Why Do I Have To Be Strong?

I should be 8 weeks clean today, but no. I'm 3 days clean.
You have no idea how frustrating that is.

Why do I always have to be strong? 

Can I please just have someone tell me it’s okay to screw up for once in my life and not tell me to be strong all the freakin time? People think I’m strong because I've dealt with this the last 3 years and I'm sill here and I still have my faith. I’m not. I’m weak. I give into the lies the devil feeds me. I was 53 days clean. I can't be strong anymore. I don't have any fight left in me.

I was talking to Fr. Brad about it last night. He said he knew I was headed back. He didn't tell me that, so I was really frustrated. If I'd known, I would've been ready to fight it more. Then he got kinda angry with me. Well, not really angry, but just frustrated (Story of my life. Priests frustrated with me? I can name 3 right off the bat who would love to smack me right now). He was very forceful with what he said and that kinda bothered me. I knew I'd screwed up and I feel like he was kicking me while I was already down. When I mess up nowadays, I don't need someone to give me the tough love. I used to need that, but now I know the consequences, etc. and it actually only makes things worse when someone gives me the tough love. I know it hurts people and all that stuff, but when the tough love comes out, I only start beating myself up worse, which I already do that enough. I'm harder on myself than most people when I screw up. When I mess up, I just need someone to tell me that it's okay and that they love me anyway.

So, what am I going to do now? I have no idea...

Where I'm At

Things have been going downhill a lot lately. SO much stress with school, plus I think that some of it is spiritual warfare coming as a result of my thesis topic: the Blessed Mother's role in spiritual warfare. Please, just pray for me. I relapsed the other night, so I'm trying to keep going, but it's hard. I basically fell flat on my face. It was a reminder that I can't do this without God.

Prayers would be EXTREMELY appreciated.

On a happier note, two years ago today, the Lord revealed to me that I had to make the hardest decision of my life. When I was in front of the Eucharist, I felt in my heart stronger than any words ever before, "If you don't leave Xavier, you're not going to live to see graduation." I had to make a huge decision. Was I going to stay at a college where I was unhappy because I was comfortable or was I going to leave everything behind and move 4 hours away and go to a school I didn't know much about except that it was super Catholic? Well 2 years later, I can tell you I made the right decision. Transferring to Franciscan University was the best decision I've ever made.

50 Days

50 days clean. Praise God! Yeah, I still struggle sometimes, but you know what I've come to realize: it's SO not worth it.

I officially have plans for fall break. My friends Erinn, Maura, Erinn's fiance Kevin, and I are going to Washington DC from October 28-November 1. I'm SO excited to spend 4 days with some of my incredible friends.

While there, I get to see my favorite priest in the entire world, the one and only Fr. Greg. I know I've talked about him on here a lot, but I'm completely serious when I say I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for him.  No one could ever understand how much he has done for me. He's been the truest example of Christ in my life. He's put up with me and all my crap for almost 3 years now. He showed me the unconditional love of Christ. In those 3 years, when almost everyone else quit on me, he didn't. He loved me when I needed it most. He stuck by me when I felt like everyone else had left. Seeing how he is in DC and when I met him, I was a freshman at my other college in Cincinnati, the way we happened to meet was incredible. I know it was in God's will for him to come into my life when he did. God wasn't going to lose me, even though I wanted to quit. Honestly, I wasn't expecting to live to see 19 when I met Fr. Greg. Here I am, 21 years old, a senior in college, and wanting to devote my life to mission work. That's a HUGE change from when he first met me.

I never would have imagined when I left on that bus from Cincinnati to DC, I would come back changed and with a friendship that I've cherished and will cherish the rest of my life.

A Purpose in Life

The last few days have been a little rough. Yesterday, I hit 6 weeks. I know I'm getting better because I'm going one week at a time, not just one day or one minute at a time. I met with Fr. Brad tonight for the first time since leaving Austria. He's back in Steubenville, which is great. He wanted to know how I was: no bullshit. I think Fr. Brad, Fr. Rick, and Fr. Greg can tell when I'm bullshitting them. They all know me well enough to be able to tell. So, I didn't bullshit him. I was honest with him. The guilt has been overwhelming lately, but it's only been the last week or so that I've even felt really guilty about all the cutting. After some discernment, we both figured out that the devil's angry that I'm beating him, so he's trying to make my life hard. We talked and he helped me realize how just talking to someone when I'm feeling like I want to cut helps tremendously. I actually had been struggling all evening, which is why at about 5pm, I called him asking if he could make time for me tonight. I went in feeling like I wanted to cut, but in talking to him, the urge went away.

In our talk tonight, we talked some about my 4 months in Austria. He was the one who saw the change in me the most in Austria. He said that I was the most hopeless person he'd ever seen in his 8 years of priesthood. That hit me hard, because I knew it was true...I went to Austria with no hope. He said I was one of his hardest cases, but, the Lord then blessed me beyond belief over there. I received the Baptism of the Holy Spirit and the gift of tongues. God came into my life deeper than ever before while I studied abroad. I was so blessed. After saying that I was one of the most hopeless people he's ever seen, Fr. Brad also said that I was one of the most blessed people he's ever seen. He saw my life radically change before his eyes. He knew that my friend Jose had to DRAG me to prayer group. He saw me the day I couldn't look anyone in the eye. I sat in his office for an hour looking at the floor. He knew there was expectant faith within my heart where the Lord would do INCREDIBLE things in my life. Fr. Brad saw the most radical transformation in my life happen right in front of his face. He saw me go from a hopeless cutter to a young woman of God who had more faith than ever before.

He also reminded me tonight of my purpose in life. He said that I must remember that it's when I forget my purpose in life, I start to slip. Well, he reminded me of the work I did in Romania with those absolutely beautiful children. He calls them "my babies" and every time I think about them, my heart hurts. I miss them so much! I received confirmation from the Lord last night that Romania is where I'm supposed to go. So, I trust that the Lord's going to make that happen. I also shared with Fr. Brad that my friends and I are going on a mission trip to Haiti over spring break. We're going to southern Haiti to work in a small village and orphanage. I can't wait! Again, he referred to them as "my babies" and that just brought me to tears. That's what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'm supposed to just love the babies that have been abandoned. After my trip to Romania, I had a purpose: to love like I've never loved before. This little 5-year-old boy completely changed my life forever, and actually probably saved my life. Even though we couldn't speak to one another, we were just able to love each other. Just looking at this picture of him brings tears to my eyes.

Why - Nichole Nordeman

5 weeks clean today. 35 days...The changes in my life have been incredible.


I just heard this song for the first time. As I listened to it, my heart hurt and I felt like a ton of bricks hit me. The magnitude of what Jesus did hit me harder than ever before. Especially the last line. I was why He had to die. I was the one who nailed Him to that Cross. But as Fr. Greg tells me constantly, He knew what I was going to do and struggle with, but He died for me anyway. He'd rather die for me than live without me. It's all beyond what my tiny human brain can understand, but I'm thankful anyway.

Little girl : We rode into town the other day,
Just me and my daddy.
He said I’d finally reached that age,
And I could ride next to him on a horse
that of course was not quite as wide.
We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
And there was that man that my dad said he loved,
But today there was fear in His eyes.
So I said, “Daddy, why are they screaming? 
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is He dressed in that bright purple robe?
I’ll bet that crown hurts Him more than He shows.
Daddy, please can’t you do something?
He looks as though He’s gonna cry.
You said He was stronger than all of those guys.
Daddy, please tell me why. 
Why does everyone want Him to die?”

Later that day, the sky grew cloudy,
And daddy said I should go inside.
Somehow he knew things would get stormy, 
Boy, was he right, but I could not keep from wondering 
If there was somethin he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out. 
I was not afraid of getting lost, 
So I followed the crowds 
To a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from the cross
And it said,  JESUS: ”Father, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for my robe?
This crown of thorns hurts me more than it shows.
Father, please can’t you do something?
I know that You must hear my cry.
I thought I could handle a cross of this size.
Father, remind me why.
Why does everyone want me to die?
O, when will I understand why?”

 God: ”My precious Son, I hear them screaming.
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming.
But soon I will cloth You in robes of my own.
Jesus, this hurts me much more than You know.
But this dark hour I must do nothing
Though I’ve heard Your unbearable cry.
The power in Your blood destroys all of the lies.
Soon You’ll see past their unmerciful eyes.
Look there below, see the child
Trembling by her father’s side.
Now I can tell You why;
 She is why You must die. 

Scars...

Sometimes I wonder how long I’m going to let my scars define me. I try to believe that I’m more than a recovering self-injurer, but tonight, I don’t feel like more than that. I haven’t cut in 31 days, which for me, is a really long time. I have no open wounds - only scars. The scars on my legs are pretty bad. I did a lot of damage. It makes me wonder if any man will ever love me. I'm actually thinking about getting tattoos on both of my legs over my scars when I've been clean for 6 months. We'll see if I can actually make it that long. One leg would say "He heals the brokenhearted" and the other leg would say "And binds up their wounds." That is Psalm 147:3, the verse that has given me more hope than anything in the last 3 years. 

I need my heart to heal and for God to give me the grace to that I might be able to forgive myself for scarring up what He gave me.