God, What Have I Been Doing?

The title is a line from Matthew West's song "My Own Little World"

I'm tired of seeing scars all over my arms and legs. I'm tired of hurting. I’m tired of trying and failing. Why should I hope when all I ever do is get let down? I’ve done EVERYTHING. I gave it all to God and I’m still struggling. I don’t want to cut, but the devil has such a strong hold on my mind and I can’t get him to let go. Every time I think it’s getting better, he makes me think it’s not. He’s just constantly waiting for a chink to penetrate my armor and he takes full advantage of that. It hurts. I just want to feel okay. That’s all. I want to forgive myself, but I can’t. I’ve tried and tried and tried. It took me over 2 years to forgive myself for cutting in high school and I only cut twice in high school. How long is it going to take me to forgive myself for almost 3 years of cutting?

I had my worst day in 2 ½ years last Thursday. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye for fear that I would just break down crying. I was in spiritual direction with Fr. Brad for over an hour and stared at the floor the entire time. He tried to get me to look at him, but there was no way that was happening. He asked me to write a letter to Jesus about everything that’s going on, but I don’t think I can do it. I feel like I’m backwards when it comes to this stuff. I have no problem praying when things are fine where most people quit praying when things are fine. I don’t pray when things are going bad because I feel like God doesn’t want to hear it. Most people pray their butts off when things get bad.

Lord, what am I doing?? Is this worth it??