You know that saying, "The darkest hour is just before the dawn breaks"? Well, I'm at that point in my trying to stop cutting. I fell back into cutting about 3 weeks ago. Things have gotten really rough and I've cut multiple times in the last 2 weeks, but I'm not giving up hope. I can feel that there are some things that have already started to change from working with Fr. Brad. Right now, the devil is super pissed that I'm about to beat him and I can feel that. He's made my life really hard, but I'm not going to let him win this time. Yeah, I've given in a lot, but I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm almost there. I've noticed in the last 2 times I've cut that it doesn't even give me that 5 minutes of relief anymore. So, I've decided it's not worth it at all. Working with Fr. Brad's been really good. It definitely is extremely painful, but I know it's what has to happen. It's been 2 1/2 years of wounds that have never healed correctly. I'm more hopeful about this than I have been in a long time.
Fr. Brad's got me really into Scripture. We talked for an hour and a half last week on Ephesians 6. In that time, we got through 5 verses about the armor of God and it's teaching me that Sacred Scripture really is a two-edged sword that can beat the enemy. I've immersed myself into Scripture more than I ever have before. I don't get why Catholics aren't more into Scripture. It's incredible. There are SO many encouraging things in Scripture. My favorite passages really do keep me going. Ephesians 6 is one of my favorites, but my absolute favorite verses are Psalm 147:3 (He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds) and Exodus 14:14 (The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still). It's making me realize the genuine goodness of the Lord. He's done so much for me since being here. He's healing my heart. Right now He's ripping off those band-aids so that he can cleanse the wounds of my heart and help them heal correctly. It hurts like hell and I've fallen into cutting as a result, but I'll get there in time.
So, I can tell that my finally beating this is coming soon. It's gotten really hard, but I'm not going to let it beat me. I'm a fighter and I have been for 2 1/2 years. Why stop now? That would mean that 2 1/2 years of my work as well as countless other peoples' work was totally pointless. I'm not going to let everything that so many people have done for me be totally pointless because it hasn't been. So, I'm getting there. I'm not letting go of hope, because as Fr. Greg once told me, losing hope would be a bigger sin than cutting. I've also come to realize that as soon as I completely lose hope, I'm going to die. Humans can't live without hope. I've learned that at the concentration camps and from a book we read in my Philosophy of the Human Person class. That class is changing my life more than I ever would have thought. It's making me realize my value.
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