"It gets better, always"

I know a guy at Xavier named Luke. He's a huge advocate for suicide prevention. He was featured on the local news in Cincinnati for what he does. He almost committed suicide in high school. I felt really called to share a little bit of my story with him, so I sent him a message on Facebook. First, I thanked him for all his work with the suicide prevention movement. Then I let him know why I left Xavier: I was afraid that I was going to kill myself by way of cutting. Here's the response I got from him:

Catherine,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me, and sharing such kind words towards me. I am sorry to hear that you had to go through shit, but I am so happy you are still here! The healing process can be long and you may slip back sometimes, but know that you have friends around you and there is plenty of support out there! It took me over 2 years before I started to become open with my story. I starting sharing in a big way, which is certainly not normal (typical, average, you know what I mean). The biggest thing I always want people to know is that they are not alone; it's the whole reason I speak out. They are not the first ones to think they are too different than everyone else in this world, too bad at school, don't have any friends, etc. Talking about our pain and troubles is a way to heal the wounds, but it takes lots of time, reflection, and prayer. God wants you here, truly. This beautiful world he created would be boring if everyone who didn't "fit in" left before it was their time; but you already know this as you had the courage, strength, and love for others to put the blade down.

Just remember: It gets better, always.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I am always here.

Luke



It's just another reminder that I'm not alone in my struggle, more divine intervention

There's A Reason

After feeling like crap for a little while after my last post, I realized something. My life could completely change if I had the same outlook as all the people in "The Human Experience." So, I've changed my mentality. If God allows me to wake up in the morning, there's some reason for it. There's a reason I'm alive every day I wake up. Therefore, I'm going to not just survive the day, but live my life.

On Sunday morning, I sent Fr. Greg a text saying that I'm taking back my life from this and apologized for doubting his love for me. I know it hurt him when I didn't believe that he loved me. He always told me he couldn't understand how I could truly believe that I was not good, that I was unlovable, etc. I believed those lies with all my heart. That's what Satan does. He makes those lies sound like truths. So, I've stopped beliving the lies. This is my life, a gift from God, and Satan has no right to take it. He's going to try, but the war's already been won.

Wishing you and your loved ones a blessed Thanksgiving.

Peace.

The Human Experience

Tonight, some friends and I watched the new movie called "The Human Experience". It was made by a Catholic media company called Grassroots Films, Inc. and it was really good. It hit me really hard though. Throughout the entire movie, the main theme was the dignity of human life. In seeing all the suffering that the homeless people in New York, the handicapped children in Peru, and the AIDS patients and lepers in Africa dealt with, I realized, I have absolutely no right to feel the way I do. They are all going through SO much worse than I am, but they see a purpose in life. Over and over, they said that if God allowed them to wake up that morning, there was a purpose to their life. It just blew me away that people who are going through more shit than I ever could imagine, they keep their heads up and a smile on their face. Here I am, a 20-year-old college kid, who's never been forced to miss a meal because there wasn't food, who has a warm dorm room to come back to, who's been in school for over 15 years, who's going to study abroad in Austria next semester, who consistently finds the need to cut. Who am I to feel this way? I have absolutely no right to feel like my suffering is unbearable. It really made me think, but it also made me feel bad for feeling the way I do. I know I can't help feeling the way that I do, but after seeing this, I can't help but look at everything and think I'm a piece of crap.

Some of My Favorite Quotes

I just wanted to share with you all some of my favorite quotes. Most of the time, they get me through the day.

-"To be alive is to be broken, and to be broken is to stand in need of Grace." -Pope John Paul II

-"When you look at the Crucifix, you understand how much Jesus loved you then. When you look at the Sacred Host, you understand how much Jesus loves you now." -Blessed Mother Teresa

-"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." -Exodus 14:14

-"Fight the good fight of faith..." -1 Timothy 6:12

-"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10

-"The only difference between saints and sinners is that every saint has a past while every sinner has a future.” -Oscar Wilde

-"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." -Blessed Mother Teresa

-“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” -Psalm 147:3

-"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:34

-"The Blessed Mother wears combat boots!" -Fr. Don Calloway

-"Sometimes God allows us to hit rock bottom so that we know He is the Rock."

-"Hate your faults, but hate them calmly." -St. Padre Pio

-“In trial or difficulty, I have recourse to Mother Mary, whose glance alone is enough to dissipate every fear.” -Saint Therese of Lisieux

-“I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all of my heart.” -Van Gogh 

-"We are never defeated unless we give up on God." -Ronald Reagan

-"You can't have the Resurrection without the Cross." -Fr. Mike Scanlan (my spiritual director)

-"Confession heals, confession justifies, confession grants pardon of sin. All hope consists in confession. In confession there is a chance for mercy. Believe it firmly. Do not doubt, do not hesitate, never despair of the mercy of God. Hope and have confidence in confession." -St. Isidore of Seville

-“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” - Lucius Annaeus Seneca

-"If we persevere in our relationship with Him in the Eucharist, then our lives will be secure." -Fr. Greg

Starting Over

I got to day 108 and it was a pretty good day. Then, I messed up. On Monday night, I cut. I'd just had enough fighting the urge. I had to fight so hard for every single one of those 109 days. I just decided to quit. I felt like absolute shit after doing it and knowing that I had to go to Mass with my household the next morning, I knew I had to get to Confession.

I went that night and went to Fr. Rick, who's the priest who prayed over me in July. I hadn't been to Confession with him in a really long time, so as soon as I sat down, I think he kinda knew. I sat down and instantaneously started crying. He gave me a little time to calm down and then said "Catherine, talk to me. What happened?" All I had to say was "I screwed up" and I feel like I saw his heart break right in front of my face. He said "You cut?" and I said "Yeah..." He then asked me how long I'd gone and I told him 3 months. He said it was awesome that I'd gone like 90 days and I told him it had actually been 109. He was shocked. He was like "CATHERINE! God is so with you! You couldn't have gone that long without Him. I was really worried about you almost all summer. It was touch and go for a while. I was afraid that one day, I wasn't going to see you." I told him that honestly, it really still is touch and go.

We talked a while longer, I cried more, and then as he was giving me absolution, he put his hand on my head and said the prayer of absolution with so much intensity that again, I broke down yet again. At the end, he asked me if he could give me a hug. I told him of course and he hugged me. He whispered in my ear "You are good. Stop believing you're not. He loves you so much more than you could even imagine. I know you don't believe that, but it's the truth. Trust me." I started to cry harder and he just held me for a minute. It was the most loved I've felt in a while.

I sent him an e-mail last night telling him kinda where I was at. I tried to go to praise and worship and I couldn't be in there for more than 15 minutes. I just felt so guilty. I know that in God's eyes, it's like I never cut, but I couldn't handle it. I left in tears. I let Fr. Rick know in the e-mail and how I wasn't really sure where to go from here, but I said it was all up to God. Here's the response I got from him this morning:

"Over 100 days!!  think about that, it's amazing...miraculous...a sure sign that God is with you, helping you, loving you.  You could not have done that on your own.  God's Spirit is alive in you! Start counting now and let's string another 100 together, the first 40 or so can be a little Christmas gift you present to baby Jesus.  :) God's peace be yours! Fr. Rick"

 

I'm crying now, sitting here just typing it. Fr. Rick didn't have to do anything for me. He didn't have to offer to talk to a counselor for me. He didn't have to take my blades when I handed them to him that night over the summer. He didn't have to check on me in my car later that night. He didn't have to pray over me. He didn't have to do anything for me, but he has done all this stuff and honestly, it gets me through a lot of the time. I think one big reason I wouldn't be able to take my own life is because I can't imagine Fr. Rick hearing that I'd done it from someone. I also can't imagine how Fr. Greg would ever find out, being 5 hours away from here. I don't know. These two men have been so influential in my life and I thank God for them every day. I literally could never do that to them, let alone my family and friends.

So, today's struggles are offered up for Fr. Greg and Fr. Rick and all of their intentions (That's one benefit of being Catholic...redemptive suffering!)

It's day 2 and I'm gonna keep going strong.

Music Video for "You Are More"

The most moving part of this song for me is at 2:38, there's a shot of the chalk board and it says "I cut myself..." It made it so much more like this song is the story of my life.

The Armor of God

Ephesians 6:11-18

"Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the Gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

Oh man, oh man! What challenging words!! This passage in Ephesians is one that always gets me pumped up to be a woman of the Lord. We all, men or women, have to be soldiers for Christ in an extremely screwed up world. This past May, I went on a retreat about spiritual warfare. The man leading the retreat said that having a Bible open to this passage of the Bible is a great way to fight Satan and any demons, so most of the summer, one of my Bibles was open to this passage the whole time.

Another way I fight off the evil spirits of this world is by wearing a Benedictine medal. Here's a picture of the back of one.

On the back of the medal, the cross is dominant. On the arms of the cross are the initial letters of a rhythmic Latin prayer: Crux sacra sit mihi lux! Nunquam draco sit mihi dux! (May the holy cross be my light! May the dragon never be my guide!).
In the angles of the cross, the letters C S P B stand for Crux Sancti Patris Benedicti (The cross of our holy father Benedict).

Peace

Above the cross is the word pax (peace), that has been a Benedictine motto for centuries. Around the margin of the back of the medal, the letters V R S N S M V - S M Q L I V B are the initial letters, as mentioned above, of a Latin prayer of exorcism against Satan: Vade retro Satana! Nunquam suade mihi vana! Sunt mala quae libas. Ipse venena bibas! (Begone Satan! Never tempt me with your vanities! What you offer me is evil. Drink the poison yourself!)