Sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. I just finished my summer classes and now I'm home, but I just wanted to give you an update on everything. I have been clean for 18 days and I feel great. That's the longest I've gone since starting again after 66 days clean when Fr. Greg challenged me to go 30 days. After telling my parents, I only cut once, and it wasn't nearly as bad as it had been. I haven't wanted to cut in a while either. I think getting away from school was a really good thing. I LOVE Franciscan, don't get me wrong, but I prefer it when everyone's there, like during the fall and spring semesters. I have to be there next summer as well, but now I'm prepared for what it's going to be like.
I just came to a realization as I sit here and write this. I think I used to hate coming home because when I was here, I had to hide stuff. Now, EVERYTHING'S out in the open. They know about the almost 2 years of cutting, the tattoo, everything. I used to absolutely dread being at home, but now, it's actually really nice. I have an incredible family. I don't want you to think that it was anyone else's fault as to why I hated being home. It's not like my parents are mean to me (although sometimes they drive me nuts, but hey, everyone's got parents. haha). I have been so blessed. I have two incredibly loving parents who would do anything for me, a younger sister who's got the motivation to do anything she sets her mind to, and an older brother who's in medical school and one day will be a phenomenal doctor. It was all me. It had nothing to do with my family. But, now that I don't have to hide, a HUGE burden has been lifted and I actually enjoy coming home.
John 8:32 says, "...and the truth will set you free." Well, telling the truth has helped a lot. The only thing that's been hard is my mom keeps asking me to show her my tattoo. I keep telling her I don't want to. She asks why and I say I just don't want to. The truth is, I don't want her to see the scars on my arm. I have 7 very obvious scars on my left arm. You really can't see the other ones. I never used to cut deep enough to do any real damage. The night I cut when Fr. Rick prayed over me was the night that these 7 scars are a result of. I'm ashamed of my scars. It's going to take a lot of healing for me to accept the scars as a sign that I survived through some real shit in my life, not the fact that I almost didn't. I don't have a problem wearing short-sleeved shirts because I know how to hold my arm (and it's actually become a habit) so that you can't see my forearm. I got through all of last summer, where at one point, I had cuts all the way from an inch below my wrist to my elbow, without them knowing, so I know how to hide it. Now, it's just a relief to know that if I forget to hold my arm a certain way, it's not a big deal.
So, yeah, things are going really well at this point. I'm headed back to Franciscan a week from today. I have to be back early because I am on Orientation Team, which I'm really excited about. I get 10 days of summer and I am totally going to enjoy it.
I hope all is well with you. You are loved.
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