The Gift of a Second Chance

I'm overboard, too far from shore
A castaway trying to make it home
I catch my breath to save myself but I can't
In my sight You were just in time
I feel You now You're by my side
And I know You gave me, a gift of a second chance

Those are the lyrics to the chorus of Chasen's song "Castaway" and they've been extremely pertinent in my life lately. I came to a realization last week. I've been given so many chances. I screwed up in high school and God led me to change high schools and attend the retreat where my conversion happened. God gave me a second chance after I'd rejected Him, saying that this whole God stuff was crap some guy who had too much time on his hands made up. He revealed Himself to me and I was never the same. Then, when I dug myself into a very deep hole over the last 2 years, I was sure God was done with me. I'd given up on myself, so why should He stick with me? Then, 6 weeks ago, everything changed. The night Fr. Rick prayed over me in the car was when everything changed. I see cutting as the evil lie that it is and I don't ever want to do it again. I know there will be days when I want to, but things are so different now. God's given me so many chances to start over, and He continues to do so every time I go to Confession and receive absolution. God's given me the gift of a second chance so many times. That's the beauty of our God!!

A Bunch of Random Thoughts

Well, I'm 34 days clean and feeling really good. I think this might be the beginning of my new life: a life where cutting isn't a part of it. Being back at school with everyone here has been a huge blessing. One thing I realized about Franciscan is that is what it is because of the people here. It's not just being at Franciscan. It's definitely the students that make it so incredible.

Yes, this summer was full of trials, but as Oscar Wilde once said, "What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise." Through all the shit that happened this summer, I was able to start my relationship with the Blessed Mother, which really helped increase my faith in the night that Fr. Rick prayed over me in my car. Everything changed that night.

I had a kinda hard night last night, but being able to text with Fr. Greg definitely helped. Last night was a night where I was doubting people's love and wondering why people put up with me. I asked him why he puts up with my and why he hasn't given up on me. I told him he really should just give up on me. He told me he's not going anywhere, which actually made me tear up because I've never really had someone support me like he has. I cannot explain to you how many times the littlest things he's done have saved my life. The text he sent me last night saying that he's not going anywhere is now locked in my phone and whenever I need it, I'll look at it. I was thinking the other day about how he and I met. It was so random, but definitely God's plan. We met at the March for Life in Washington, DC in 2009 when the group from Xavier stayed at his church at the time. I almost didn't go to the March for Life that year because I had a very poor experience my senior year of high school, but for some reason, I went that year. I knew the minute I met him that something about Fr. Greg was different. He ate dinner with us and talked with us like we were friends. It was cool. Then, he knew exactly what to tell me in Confession that night. Never have I felt such a strong calling on my heart than when I felt the Lord calling me to talk to him about everything. He was kinda my last hope. I talked a lot to 2 priests at Xavier, but I told God that if talking with Fr. Greg was pointless, I was giving up for good. Well, that night, so much changed. I know a lot of incredible people, but Fr. Greg has shown me how God can truly work through people. He really is the truest example of Christ in my life. I pray for him every single day. He doesn't know this, but if my vocation is to get married, I plan on asking him to preside over my wedding. I seriously would've been gone a long time ago if it weren't for him.

Back at Franciscan

Life has been so beautiful lately. Oh my goodness. God just continually amazes me! Well, I'm back at Franciscan from my 10 days of summer. Things are ABSOLUTELY INSANE here right now. I'm currently being trained for Orientation Team. It's a blast, but it's crazy busy and absolutely exhausting. But now that I'm with my friends, it's great. My time at home was really good and really blessed. I got to hang out with my friends and just be loved by my parents. Ever since I told my parents, my life has gotten so much easier. I'm no longer living a lie, you know? Well, I'm 27 days clean and I've seriously never felt better. I have only had 2 rough nights in that time. Lately, I've been praying for other people more and not so much for myself. Yesterday we had a Holy Hour and today we had one as well. During that time, the only time I prayed for myself was when I asked for perseverance to keep going and to be the best orientation team member I can be. I've also asked God for the strength to stay clean. I'm no longer asking Him to take it away. I've just been asking for the grace to get through the tough times. I've also started praying for every single person I come into contact with during the day. I ask God to bless everyone whom I'm going to come in contact with during the day. It's been such a freeing experience to pray for others more than begging God to take away my cross which I've been given to bear.

Well, I've been at school for 3 days and I'm already sleep deprived. BUSY weekend ahead with Orientation beginning on Thursday afternoon. Please, pray for all the new students coming to Franciscan and please, pray for the Orientation Team.

Rest assured I am praying for you. If there is any intention you'd like me to pray for, please, let me know. I'd gladly pray for you and your intention.

Hiding Things

It's one of those nights...One where I start believing the lies that I'm not good, not worthy of love, etc. Tonight especially, I've been wondering how in the world my parents aren't disappointed in me. I was with my parents most of the evening and pretended like I was perfectly fine. Well, I wasn't. I went to the psychiatrist today and he prescribed new medicine, which I'm praying can be the fix. It was kind of a rough appointment though. I was more honest than I'd been with him in a long time. It helped me and I'm glad he knows, but I needed my mom and dad tonight and I feel like they kinda weren't there. One thing they've told me over and over is that they can't read my mind, and I don't expect them to, but sometimes I wish they would pay a little more attention and ask me if something's wrong.

I can't really help the fact that I hide things from people. The person who knows the most about me is Fr. Greg. He's one of the very few people I feel like I can be completely vulnerable with. I haven't talked to him in like a month, so it's been kinda hard lately. I don't let anyone see the real me because I'm so ashamed of the addiction I've struggled with for almost 2 years. I've lost so many friends as a result of it. That's why I don't tell anyone anymore. Only 2 of my household sisters know: my big sister, Lauren, and my friend Kyrie. I worry about telling the rest my sisters. I don't know why, but I know if I told them, they'd love me anyway. One big relief is that my roommate this semester, my friend Casey, does know. That helps. Wow...I just realized that this is completely all over the place. Sorry...

There's a verse in Casting Crowns' song "Stained Glass Masquerade" and it goes like this:
But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

So sometimes I wonder...

Update: 18 Days Clean

Sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. I just finished my summer classes and now I'm home, but I just wanted to give you an update on everything. I have been clean for 18 days and I feel great. That's the longest I've gone since starting again after 66 days clean when Fr. Greg challenged me to go 30 days. After telling my parents, I only cut once, and it wasn't nearly as bad as it had been. I haven't wanted to cut in a while either. I think getting away from school was a really good thing. I LOVE Franciscan, don't get me wrong, but I prefer it when everyone's there, like during the fall and spring semesters. I have to be there next summer as well, but now I'm prepared for what it's going to be like.

I just came to a realization as I sit here and write this. I think I used to hate coming home because when I was here, I had to hide stuff. Now, EVERYTHING'S out in the open. They know about the almost 2 years of cutting, the tattoo, everything. I used to absolutely dread being at home, but now, it's actually really nice. I have an incredible family. I don't want you to think that it was anyone else's fault as to why I hated being home. It's not like my parents are mean to me (although sometimes they drive me nuts, but hey, everyone's got parents. haha). I have been so blessed. I have two incredibly loving parents who would do anything for me, a younger sister who's got the motivation to do anything she sets her mind to, and an older brother who's in medical school and one day will be a phenomenal doctor. It was all me. It had nothing to do with my family. But, now that I don't have to hide, a HUGE burden has been lifted and I actually enjoy coming home.

John 8:32 says, "...and the truth will set you free." Well, telling the truth has helped a lot. The only thing that's been hard is my mom keeps asking me to show her my tattoo. I keep telling her I don't want to. She asks why and I say I just don't want to. The truth is, I don't want her to see the scars on my arm. I have 7 very obvious scars on my left arm. You really can't see the other ones. I never used to cut deep enough to do any real damage. The night I cut when Fr. Rick prayed over me was the night that these 7 scars are a result of. I'm ashamed of my scars. It's going to take a lot of healing for me to accept the scars as a sign that I survived through some real shit in my life, not the fact that I almost didn't. I don't have a problem wearing short-sleeved shirts because I know how to hold my arm (and it's actually become a habit) so that you can't see my forearm. I got through all of last summer, where at one point, I had cuts all the way from an inch below my wrist to my elbow, without them knowing, so I know how to hide it. Now, it's just a relief to know that if I forget to hold my arm a certain way, it's not a big deal.

So, yeah, things are going really well at this point. I'm headed back to Franciscan a week from today. I have to be back early because I am on Orientation Team, which I'm really excited about. I get 10 days of summer and I am totally going to enjoy it.

I hope all is well with you. You are loved.