All In

Well, to be completely honest, it was not a good thing for me to be home. I don't know why I have such a hard time when I go home, but I do. I really feel like when I go home, God's no where to be found. It's weird. But I did end up cutting when I was at home and I even found some really sharp single-edged blades and brought them back to school with me. I went to Confession last night and admitted to Fr. Rick that I brought them back with me and he told me to throw them away. So, as hard as it was, I did end up throwing them away. Fr. Greg's also been getting on me about it. So last night he asked me if I really wanted to stop. I told him that I do, or else I wouldn't have gone to see Fr. Jim right before break and I wouldn't have thrown out the blades. He then asked me if I was 100% committed to stopping for good. I said yes. I wouldn't have taken the risk to come here to Franciscan if I didn't want to stop (I was cutting myself 4-5 times a week at Xavier). The last thing he asked me is if I was all in. I said yes. Then he said, "Okay. Go back to the counselor." All I could think was "Are you kidding me??" It took me a minute, but then I agreed. If I want my life back, I have to beat this. I don't know if I'll go back to see the counselor or if I'll talk to one of the nuns here who's a spiritual director. Apparently she's really good, and a friend recommended her, so we'll see. I'm not going to lie, I actually cried last night when thinking about going to counseling because of the horrible experience I had at Xavier. Then I asked Fr. Greg what I'm supposed to do if I want to cut again. He said, "Remember 2 words: ALL IN." So yeah, I'm all in.

I bought a St. Benedict cross today and a few medals to go on a necklace. The St. Benedict cross is said to protect you from demons, so I'm all over that. I actually have one on my keys, but since I don't always have my keys on me, I decided today that I should get one. So I did :) I'm going to have on of the priests on campus bless them for me. I'm really praying that it's going to help me. I've basically run out of options.

I did tell my roommate and my friend that I cut over break and how I was pretty down on myself about it. They said not to worry about it. Healing has begun and not to give up. So with the help of God and my friends, I'm picking myself up and starting over.

I get an e-mail everyday with Catholic quotes. Here was today's. Quite appropriate!
"As for certain lesser faults, we must believe that, before the Final Judgment, there is a purifying fire. He who is truth says that whoever utters blasphemy against the Holy Spirit will be pardoned neither in this age nor in the age to come. From this sentence, we understand that certain offenses can be forgiven in this age, but certain others in the age to come."
- Pope St. Gregory the Great