Counseling

I cannot even begin to explain how frustrated I am right now. On Monday, I went to Confession to Fr. Rick. We talked for like 20 minutes. I explained to him the cutting (I haven't cut in 2 weeks) and stuff and then he asked me something I never expected. He said, "If I talk to Fr. Jim, who's one of the counselors, will you go see him?" I was extremely hesitant and after Fr. Rick pushed it some more, I finally said I would. He had me write down my name and phone number. Fr. Rick called me Tuesday and said Fr. Jim could meet with me Thursday evening. I was really hesitant and even tried to make an excuse not to go, but it didn't work. So I met with Fr. Jim last night...He's really nice and he's a good counselor. Here's the problem: he doesn't have time for any more patients. I understand that, I really do, but I can't keep spilling my life story to people. It hurts too much! It's so frustrating because as much as I didn't want to meet with Fr. Jim last night, I still did. My stomach was churning the entire hour before I went. I didn't want to see a counselor because things are going okay right now and I haven't wanted to cut in a long time, and I don't want things to get bad again. One of the counselors I had at Xavier made my life a living hell. I never want to feel like that again. So all the courage it took to walk up to the friary last night to meet with him, it was pointless. I probably won't be going to any of the people he recommended. I can't keep telling different people I cut myself because then it brings up the pain from the past.

So yeah, as you can tell, I'm really frustrated because I'm pretty much stuck. Right now, I'm relying on God to tell me what to do. If he wants me to go to a counselor, then He's gotta make it blatantly obvious that it'll work if I go. Otherwise, it's not happening.