It's after 1am and I can't sleep because I've got 8 billion things on my mind, so I decided I'd blog about it.
I'm so incredibly depressed. Depression just plain sucks. So much. The hopelessness, despair, darkness, the void in my soul. Even though nothing is really going wrong at the moment, I'm still feeling like complete shit. That's depression for you. And I feel so alone here, which is really tough too. And the cutting...that stupid thing that has controlled me for so long. I've done it a lot since my relapse in May. Haven't been able to shake it. Longest I've gone is about 10 days.
I feel like nothing has really changed since I was 18. I was telling Fr. Greg that last time I talked to him. I feel like sure, I'm 5 years older, but I'm still having the same conversations with him now as I had when I first met him. And that is incredibly frustrating.
I tried Skype counseling with a guy back in the States and that was a bust...That makes it 7 counselors in 5 years - only having progress with one. I told my psychiatrist and he said he's got an idea of a guy he thinks I'd like. Decided that #8 is the last shot. If this last guy doesn't work, I'm taking a break from actively looking for help.
Started a new medication a couple weeks ago. It's actually made things worse. That's the thing about anti-depressants: they either work, don't work, or make things worse. So, I have no idea what I'm gonna do about that at the moment.
I feel like right now all I wanna do is stop. I just want everything to stop for like 5 minutes so I can get my thoughts together. But, life keeps coming at me full speed and I'm dealing with it the best that I know how to. It may not be in the healthiest of ways, but I am surviving, so I guess that's a good thing.
It's getting harder and harder to get up in the morning and take on the day. That's one way I know things are getting worse.
This isn't even half of what's going on, but I can't seem to get my brain together enough to even get it all written down at the moment. I'm a wreck and I feel like my life is a wreck. Please pray for me extra hard. Things are really tough and each day gets tougher.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Confessions of a Depressed Comic
This is a TED talk by Kevin Breel, 19-year-old a stand up comedian who suffers from depression. This is just amazing. This brought me so many tears. Please watch it, whether you suffer from depression or not. Please, I'm begging you. Spend 10 minutes watching this.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
"Now will you trust me?"
This was written by my friend Emily recently. It really resonates with me.
I sit quietly and wait for the Lord to speak to me. I try to hand over my struggle and my pain to Him with all my little and weak heart. I say to Him Lord make me new, make me clean. He answers with a pointed but unexpected question that almost seems irrelevant to me.
"Do you trust me?"
I pause and think. I wish. I want to. But the answer is no.
The wind picks up slightly blowing in the trees around me. I've always felt the Holy Spirit in the wind. Especially in the dark moments before a storm. Like now, the sky is overcast.
Suddenly the leaves on the tree in front of me stop blowing. But I feel the wind continue behind me, touching the back of my neck. I glance over my shoulder and see the leaves of the dark green willow sway ever so slightly.
"See," He says, "I am still there."
A whispered word comes into my head.
'Always'
He has proven to me with this example in the wind that He is never gone, and never has been gone. Even when I can't see Him, can't feel Him, in my darkest moment, He was never gone.
He delivers me from death every day.
He says to me "See...now will you trust me?"
The wind continues.
---------------
Going to Medjugorje tomorrow. Please pray for me and our group. I really need this trip. I've been struggling terribly lately. I need to get things right with God.
I sit quietly and wait for the Lord to speak to me. I try to hand over my struggle and my pain to Him with all my little and weak heart. I say to Him Lord make me new, make me clean. He answers with a pointed but unexpected question that almost seems irrelevant to me.
"Do you trust me?"
I pause and think. I wish. I want to. But the answer is no.
The wind picks up slightly blowing in the trees around me. I've always felt the Holy Spirit in the wind. Especially in the dark moments before a storm. Like now, the sky is overcast.
Suddenly the leaves on the tree in front of me stop blowing. But I feel the wind continue behind me, touching the back of my neck. I glance over my shoulder and see the leaves of the dark green willow sway ever so slightly.
"See," He says, "I am still there."
A whispered word comes into my head.
'Always'
He has proven to me with this example in the wind that He is never gone, and never has been gone. Even when I can't see Him, can't feel Him, in my darkest moment, He was never gone.
He delivers me from death every day.
He says to me "See...now will you trust me?"
The wind continues.
---------------
Going to Medjugorje tomorrow. Please pray for me and our group. I really need this trip. I've been struggling terribly lately. I need to get things right with God.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
My Latest Ink
I just realized today that I never shared this. Just before my birthday in June, I decided to get a new tattoo (once you start getting inked, you're addicted. Seriously. I love tattoos). This is the latitude and longitude of where I am a missionary in Romania. I was actually able to find the exact latitude and longitude of our church, so I got it tattooed on my right foot. I'm a big fan of this tattoo. Every night when I am finished for the day and I take off my shoes, I have dirt covered feet and I see this tattoo. Makes me love all this that more.
Please pray for me. This missionary thing isn't always easy. It's been especially challenging lately. I'm going to Medjugorje in a few weeks. I'm looking forward to a week of spiritual rejuvenation. I'm praying that it's what I'm looking for right now.
Monday, July 8, 2013
A New Encyclical
Pope Francis just released his new encylical called Lumen Fidei or "The Light of Faith" and these are the things that stuck out to me when reading it. Catholic or not, I recommend you read it. It's awesome!
"There is an urgent need, then, to see once again that faith is a light, for once the flame of faith dies out, all other lights begin to dim. The light of faith is unique, since it is capable of illuminating every aspect of human existence. A light this powerful cannot come from ourselves but from a more primordial source: in a word, it must come from God. Faith is born of an encounter with the living God who calls us and reveals his love, a love which precedes us and upon which we can lean for security and for building our lives. Transformed by this love, we gain fresh vision, new eyes to see; we realize that it contains a great promise of fulfilment, and that a vision of the future opens up before us. Faith, received from God as a supernatural gift, becomes a light for our way, guiding our journey through time. On the one hand, it is a light coming from the past, the light of the foundational memory of the life of Jesus which revealed his perfectly trustworthy love, a love capable of triumphing over death. Yet since Christ has risen and draws us beyond death, faith is also a light coming from the future and opening before us vast horizons which guide us beyond our isolated selves towards the breadth of communion. We come to see that faith does not dwell in shadow and gloom; it is a light for our darkness." -Paragraph 4
"For Abraham, faith in God sheds light on the depths of his being, it enables him to acknowledge the wellspring of goodness at the origin of all things and to realize that his life is not the product of non-being or chance, but the fruit of a personal call and a personal love." -Paragraph 11
"Faith, tied as it is to conversion, is the opposite of idolatry; it breaks with idols to turn to the living God in a personal encounter. Believing means entrusting oneself to a merciful love which always accepts and pardons, which sustains and directs our lives, and which shows its power by its ability to make straight the crooked lines of our history. Faith consists in the willingness to let ourselves be constantly transformed and renewed by God’s call. Herein lies the paradox: by constantly turning towards the Lord, we discover a sure path which liberates us from the dissolution imposed upon us by idols." -Paragraph 13
"In the love of God revealed in Jesus, faith perceives the foundation on which all reality and its final destiny rest." -Paragraph 15
"Yet it is precisely in contemplating Jesus’ death that faith grows stronger and receives a dazzling light; then it is revealed as faith in Christ’s steadfast love for us, a love capable of embracing death to bring us salvation. This love, which did not recoil before death in order to show its depth, is something I can believe in; Christ’s total self-gift overcomes every suspicion and enables me to entrust myself to him completely." - Paragraph 16
"Once I think that by turning away from God I will find myself, my life begins to fall apart" -Paragraph 19
"Faith is not a light which scatters all our darkness, but a lamp which guides our steps in the night and suffices for the journey. To those who suffer, God does not provide arguments which explain everything; rather, his response is that of an accompanying presence, a history of goodness which touches every story of suffering and opens up a ray of light. In Christ, God himself wishes to share this path with us and to offer us his gaze so that we might see the light within it." -Paragraph 57
"There is an urgent need, then, to see once again that faith is a light, for once the flame of faith dies out, all other lights begin to dim. The light of faith is unique, since it is capable of illuminating every aspect of human existence. A light this powerful cannot come from ourselves but from a more primordial source: in a word, it must come from God. Faith is born of an encounter with the living God who calls us and reveals his love, a love which precedes us and upon which we can lean for security and for building our lives. Transformed by this love, we gain fresh vision, new eyes to see; we realize that it contains a great promise of fulfilment, and that a vision of the future opens up before us. Faith, received from God as a supernatural gift, becomes a light for our way, guiding our journey through time. On the one hand, it is a light coming from the past, the light of the foundational memory of the life of Jesus which revealed his perfectly trustworthy love, a love capable of triumphing over death. Yet since Christ has risen and draws us beyond death, faith is also a light coming from the future and opening before us vast horizons which guide us beyond our isolated selves towards the breadth of communion. We come to see that faith does not dwell in shadow and gloom; it is a light for our darkness." -Paragraph 4
"For Abraham, faith in God sheds light on the depths of his being, it enables him to acknowledge the wellspring of goodness at the origin of all things and to realize that his life is not the product of non-being or chance, but the fruit of a personal call and a personal love." -Paragraph 11
"Faith, tied as it is to conversion, is the opposite of idolatry; it breaks with idols to turn to the living God in a personal encounter. Believing means entrusting oneself to a merciful love which always accepts and pardons, which sustains and directs our lives, and which shows its power by its ability to make straight the crooked lines of our history. Faith consists in the willingness to let ourselves be constantly transformed and renewed by God’s call. Herein lies the paradox: by constantly turning towards the Lord, we discover a sure path which liberates us from the dissolution imposed upon us by idols." -Paragraph 13
"In the love of God revealed in Jesus, faith perceives the foundation on which all reality and its final destiny rest." -Paragraph 15
"Yet it is precisely in contemplating Jesus’ death that faith grows stronger and receives a dazzling light; then it is revealed as faith in Christ’s steadfast love for us, a love capable of embracing death to bring us salvation. This love, which did not recoil before death in order to show its depth, is something I can believe in; Christ’s total self-gift overcomes every suspicion and enables me to entrust myself to him completely." - Paragraph 16
"Once I think that by turning away from God I will find myself, my life begins to fall apart" -Paragraph 19
"Faith is not a light which scatters all our darkness, but a lamp which guides our steps in the night and suffices for the journey. To those who suffer, God does not provide arguments which explain everything; rather, his response is that of an accompanying presence, a history of goodness which touches every story of suffering and opens up a ray of light. In Christ, God himself wishes to share this path with us and to offer us his gaze so that we might see the light within it." -Paragraph 57
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
In My Deepest Wound
It is in those places that hurt the most - those deep wounds in my heart - where I have seen God and how He works. Keep the hope. It will not disappoint (Romans 5:5).
Thursday, June 6, 2013
My 23rd Birthday
Today is another one of those days that sometimes I felt like I'd never see. Today I turned 23. That might not seem like a big deal to most people, but I'm someone who didn't expect to live to see myself graduate college (and that was over a year ago now!). Most of the time, I look at my life and think "Man, this sucks. I feel like I'm always depressed." But, it's days like my birthday that I get a reality check. I've got a degree from the most Catholic university in the United States. I've got friends who are some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I'm a missionary in an AMAZING country that I love so much. I've raised almost $35,000 to build an orphanage (only $30,000 more to go!). I've got a God who loves me more than I'll ever understand and who has sustained me in the times I've wanted to quit. He's never let me quit.
I leave for Romania on Sunday. I'm SO excited to finally get back after all this crazy crap with my shoulder. Four months later than I had planned, but God knew what He was doing. Please, as always, pray for me and the mission. You can see me post more often here (my mission blog).
I leave for Romania on Sunday. I'm SO excited to finally get back after all this crazy crap with my shoulder. Four months later than I had planned, but God knew what He was doing. Please, as always, pray for me and the mission. You can see me post more often here (my mission blog).
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