4 months.

Today, I am 4 months cut-free. 120 days. Man, it's crazy. I didn't think I could ever do it, but day by day I am realizing that I am really starting to beat this. I've gone through some REALLY rough nights this last week, but I got through it because of the help of Erinn and Fr. Greg. They have been an incredible support team. There are no words for how grateful I am for them and the way they have stepped it up for me.

I have had 3 phone calls with Fr. Greg in the last week (which is A LOT more than usual. I maybe talk to him once every 2-3 weeks, if that). So, that kinda shows you where I'm at...He's been tough, but has been so compassionate in it all as well. He's reiterated how he's not going to bail on me. He said that if he hasn't left by now, he's not going anywhere. Just to talk to him is calming. Late Thursday, I talked to him and had a vent session. He just let me bust out everything that I'd been letting sit there. I went on a rant about how some of the people here at Franciscan need a humility check. So many people have a "Holier Than Thou" mentality and it pisses me off. I went on this huge long rant about it and then he told me that the cross wasn't pious. It wasn't perfect. It was dirty and nasty. So, he told me to remember that Jesus is able to understand what I'm going through. And I took that with me to Mass on Good Friday. I sat there and thought about how gruesome the cross was and what Jesus would have said to me from the cross. There were a lot of tears that day.

And Erinn. How to describe Erinn. Simply, one of the most phenomenal people I've ever met. She is such a great person to be around. We can just hang out doing something stupid or we can sit and have serious conversations. And I am completely comfortable with telling her I'm struggling. She has encouraged me a lot this week, especially when it comes to talking. I'm not someone who likes to talk about what is really bothering me, but there was one occasion in which she pretty much demanded I call Fr. Greg. She will also randomly text me to check on me and she knows when I'm giving her a bullshit answer. We hang out every single day and I am so grateful for that. She went with me to Haiti too, so we can talk about our "Haitian Baby Fever" together. Hahaha. Erinn, I know you read this. So, from the very bottom of my heart, thank you.

So, that's kinda where I'm at. I've got my ups and my downs, as usual. Some days are almost impossible to get through, but by the grace of God, I can.

I graduate from Franciscan University in 30 days and I'm moving to Romania in 4 months. Man, I can't believe it! Here comes the rest of my life, whether I'm ready for it or not. I'm pretty sure I'm ready ;)

Sometimes

Just saw this on Tumblr. I cannot even tell you how many times this exact thing has run through my head.

Well, I've officially gone longer than ever before. 111 days cut-free. I should be happy about that, right? I can't help but be afraid of a relapse soon. That's how it always goes.

Scars - Jonny Diaz

She holds for dear life to the ends of the sleeves in her hands
Covering up lies that she wrote with a razor sharp pen
And the sting of the blade is no match for the pain
of the loneliness that she's going through, but we've all been there too

Praise God, we don't have to hide scars
They just strengthen our wounds and they soften our hearts
They remind us of where we have been
But not who we are
So praise God, praise God we don't have to hide scars

You can still see the mark on his hand
Where there once was a ring
He watched decades of history dissolve when she wanted to leave
And the hole that it left there
Inside of his chest is a canyon a thousand miles deep
We all know how that feels

Praise God we don't have to hide scars
They just strengthen our wounds, and they soften our hearts
They remind us that where we have been
But not who we are
So praise God, praise God we don't have to hide scars

There once was a king who so burdened with grief
Walked into death so that we could find peace
He rose up with scars on His hands and His feet
by them we are healed, by them we are healed

So praise God we don't have to hide scars
Yeah we know his are covering ours
Praise God we don't have to hide scars
They just strengthen our wounds and they soften our hearts
They remind us of where we have been But not who we are
So praise God, praise God
Oh, praise God, praise God, praise God we don't have to hide scars

God Came Through For Me

God really worked tonight in Confession. It started out pretty funny. The 3 priests who came in first were Fr. Seraphim, Fr. Dan, and Fr. Conrad. I said to the Lord "I'll go to the next priest who walks in." Well, 10 seconds later, Fr. Rick walked in. I was like "Very funny." So, I sat down next to Fr. Rick. He asked me about my foot, then Confession began. I spilled my heart more than I ever had in Confession. I had to get all this crap out. I talked for like 5 minutes straight. When I was done, Fr. Rick looked at me and said, "Catherine, you have no idea how much this world needs you. Those Romanian kids need you. They already know you're coming back. You can't let them down." Then he asked me why I loved Haiti so much. All I could say was "The love." He sat there for a second and then asked me my birthday. All I could think was "Why does that matter?" Then he said, "Did you decide to be born on June 6, 1990?" I said no. Then he said, "Well, you don't get to pick the day you die either." I needed to hear that so bad. And I hadn't even said anything about the thoughts of wanting to give up. He reminded me how loved I am, especially by him, and the joy that I bring so many people. He also said that my faith inspired him. He said that throughout all this, I constantly turn back to the Lord. I go to Confession generally every other week. He is my regular confessor, so he's always hearing my crap. He said that I have more faith than I think I do, or else I wouldn't have been sitting there. I agreed and he said that I have to share that. The people in Romania need to have their faith renewed and he said that he knows I'm the one who is going to change the whole country of Romania. He then took my arm and pointed to my white "love" tattoo. He told me to look at it and remember all that it stands for. Then he took my other arm and told me to look at my other arm. He asked me what it said (he just wanted me to say it out loud. He knew what it said. lol) I said "fighter" and he said that is exactly who I am and who he sees me as. A fighter of the good fight. A woman who has dealt with so much crap, but continually fights with the Lord as her commander. Then after I did my penance and walked outside with Erinn, I took the post-it note I'd written all my sins on and set it on fire in the parking lot. It was a kind of "In your face, Satan!" move. I'm white as snow and this is where I start completely new.

So, because of Fr. Rick and his words (which were most definitely inspired by the Holy Spirit), I will conquer day 104.

Now, to think about who I believe God truly is and let Him just love on me through that meditation. Those are Fr. Rick's orders. Gotta do what Padre says :)

My prayer tonight:
Lord, thank you for the gift of faith You have instilled in me. Please, increase that faith more and more every day. Jesus, may every single beat of my heart be for your glory. As St. Augustine said, "Thus, before all else, Christ came so that people might learn how much God loves them, and might learn this so that they would catch fire for Him who first loved them." Lord, set my heart on fire for You, so that all I want to do is share Your love with others. Amen.

Needing God Really Bad

The last 4 days have been bad. I haven't cut, but to deal with my problems (including pain from an injury in Haiti), I've fallen into other sins like drinking too much, smoking, and other things. I'm going to Confession tonight to start over. I'm officially getting my life together starting NOW.

I think about what I've done the last 4 days and I want to throw up. It's not me and I don't know who the hell it is. I sit here and can't believe I've done what I've done. It makes me feel like such a horrible person. I'm such a freakin' hypocrite. It's times like this that I truly struggle to believe that God can REALLY love me like this. He's watched every single thing I've done and I know it broke His heart more than ever. I've got a blade sitting next to me, ready to punish myself for all the stuff I've done.

Hopefully Confession helps. I need God to show up for me tonight. REALLY need Him.

To Jesus through Mary

I consecrated myself to Jesus through Mary 2 years ago today. One year ago, I was on Apparition Hill in Medjugorje and renewed my consecration. Today, I renewed it on the other hill that changed my life: Franciscan University's campus. All for Jesus Eucharistic through the Heart of Mary.


103 days cut-free.

Christ the King Chapel on Franciscan's campus

Apparition Hill in Medjugorje, Bosnia

Photos from Haiti

Our trip to Haiti was beyond amazing. There are no words. Even the pictures don't do it justice. 

97 days cut-free.

God is so good.

Making faces with Youri

Holding 2-year-old Sonson

Becoming a human jungle gym for a week :)

Youri rocking my sunglasses