Steady my Heart - Kari Jobe

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much


But You're here
You're real
I know I can trust You


Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart 


I'm not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan


And I will run to You
You're my refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are


You steady my heart

Super Angry Rant

I swear to you, if another person tells me that I shouldn't feel the way I do because nothing super devastating has ever really happened in my life, I’m going to shake them so hard that their brain is liquid by the time I’m done.

I’m sorry that I have depression that’s based on my brain chemistry (It's genetic. My mom and brother both have depression) and is then affected by life events. I've dealt with it for 9 years and never have had any real relief from it. No medication has helped. Ever. And it’s taken 5 different counselors for me to find one I like and for him to actually be able to help me. 

I may have a theology degree from Franciscan, but my life is far from fucking perfect and my relationship with God isn't any good. Life is not all fine and dandy just because I go here. In fact, it’s harder because instead of getting shitfaced drunk all the time like I was at Xavier, I’m dealing with my shit the right way.

I’m sorry that you think that you think the fact that I cut myself for 3 1/2 years was me being over dramatic. Until the day you put a blade to your skin and make yourself bleed to make the emotional pain go away, don’t even begin to fucking judge me. You have no idea how much pain you have to be in to do that to yourself. And I’m not talking just once. I’m talking multiple times a day for years. And even though I haven’t cut in 223 days, I still have the urge to cut. EVERY.SINGLE.FUCKING.DAY! You think that’s me being over dramatic? Do you realize that if I wrote down for you what goes through my head every night, you’d be horrified? Do you realize that I think I am a complete piece of shit and that no one can ever actually love me? Do you realize that I believe I am a total failure of a human being?

Do you REALLY think I want to be like this? I would do anything to get the tiniest bit of relief from this darkness that’s hung over me for the last 9 years. I don’t even know what being happy means anymore.

Spend one night in my head and you’d crack. I’ve been doing it for 9 years. Don’t tell me I’m weak. Don’t you even start to judge me. Fuck off.

The end.

Saying Goodbye to Fr. Rick

Today, I had to say my last goodbye to Fr. Rick. He has been appointed the director of formation for the Order of Friars Minor (one of the orders of Franciscans) in Boston and today was his last day in Steubenville. I did special ministries for the youth conference this weekend, so I knew I'd get to see him today, which made me happy. I caught him right before he left. He hugged me, I thanked him for all he has done for me. I thanked him for all the hours of talking with me and all the prayers he's said for me. He knew that I wasn't expecting to make it to graduation when he first met me. He said that he has never been more proud of anyone walking across the stage. I started to tear up and he hugged me again. All I could say was "Thank you for saving my life." Then he started to tear up. Talk about a mess. Hahaha. 

The best thing said during our conversation was in response to me saying, "Thanks for whooping my ass into shape." He right away responded to "I didn't whoop your ass into shape. I prayed your ass into shape." It's only by the prayers of those who I love that here I am, 215 days clean, and leaving for Romania in exactly one month. He made me promise to love those kids in Romania like God made me to. I didn't even hesitate to agree :)

I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the constant love and prayers of Fr. Rick. He loved me when I needed it most. He helped pick me up when I constantly fell flat on my face. I'm really glad that the Lord used such an amazing, holy priest to be my biggest supporter at Franciscan.

Fr. Rick is going to be in Lourdes, France in October and I'm hoping to be able to travel there to see him. Please pray that can happen :)

The Week from Hell

Well, the last 8 days have been pure hell, to put it nicely. It's a very long story with lots of details, so just trust me when I say it was bad. I was already beginning to spiral downward when I got the news of Tyler's death, so when I got the news, things only got worse. Everyday has been so ridiculously hard. I've cried more than I ever thought I could. I've wanted to cut so bad, but every night, I've ended up crying myself to sleep.

I had a really good talk with Fr. Greg last night. He called at about 11pm to check up on me. I texted him on Saturday night that Tyler had died, but he hadn't heard from me since then. He got me to talk about Tyler, the stuff going on with my family, my anger at God, my mission work, etc. He knows what a horrible week I've had, so then he asked me if I'd cut. I said no and he started laughing. I asked him why he was laughing and he said that he was astounded that I'd gone through a week of pure hell and hadn't cut. I don't think it's that big of a deal, but he does. He told me that as a recovering alcoholic, he gets it (he will be 18 years sober tomorrow). He said that he was literally speechless because with everything life's thrown at me in the last 208 days, I haven't cut. He once again told me how I am the person he respects the most. He said that my strength is inspiring.

He always tells me that I'm good and I am loved when we talk. I told him that I'm at a place right now where I think that's bullshit. He told me that if he didn't love me and think my life was worth it, he wouldn't still be around. For 3 1/2 years, he's dealt with me. He's seen me at my best and he's seen me at my absolute worst. He's been there for me when no one else was. He really is the truest example of Christ in my life.

Once again, Fr. Greg saves the day. He's such an amazing person and I'm so blessed to be able to call him one of my best friends.

Today's second reading at Mass seems pretty appropriate: for what's going on with me
“A thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” -2 Corinthians 12:7-10

He's Gone...

This is my friend Tyler. He graduated this year with me. He was getting ready to go to Malawi, Africa to serve as a missionary. Well, he died  last night. He was riding his bike when his heart gave out. Please pray for the repose of his soul, for his family, for his friends, and our Franciscan University community. 

I received a text from a friend while doing special ministries at the youth conference last night. I was about to take a girl out at the very end when I saw it. I had to have someone else take her out. I just stood there, completely numb, and then it slowly started to sink in. All I could do was cry. Fr. Rick was at the conference, he saw me pretty upset and he already knew. He came over to me. I didn't want to talk, but after some prodding, he got me to talk and got me somewhat calmed down. He also made me promise not to cut. Praise the Lord for that man and all that he's done for me. 

The hardest thing I had to do was tell my friend Kevin, who started Missions of Hope (the organization I'm going to Romania with and Tyler was going to Africa with). Kevin and his wife, Kara, are also going to Malawi. I didn't want Kevin to find out on Facebook, so I texted him (he's on his honeymoon). I asked him if he had heard about Tyler, and he hadn't and asked me what was going on. I told him and he immediately called me. Kevin was in tears asking me what the hell we are supposed to do. I told him that I have no idea and that crying is all I can do right now. 

I barely slept last night. I cried almost constantly for 7 hours. My eyes are swollen and I still have a headache. I can't believe he's gone...And now I have to go back to the youth conference. 

Lord, 

I don't understand why, but I know Tyler is home now. Please comfort his family and friends in this time of heartache. And Lord, please help me.