138 Days

I don't want to fight anymore. I am worn down and all I want to do is cut. It's been 138 days since the last time I cut and the days are only getting harder. I'm tired. I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like God's cast me aside to deal with this on my own. I'm slowly cracking. The one thing that had given me a little bit of hope can't happen. The depression controls me and I don't want to deal with it anymore. I want to run away from it all, but I can't. I can't get out of my own head. What do I do at 2am when all the lies are running through my head and the Enemy is screaming at me to pick up the blade? I cry out to God from the depths of my soul and He stays silent. I've never felt so alone. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being me. How can I ever be a decent missionary like this? Maybe I shouldn't go to Romania. Those kids deserve someone better than me. They deserve someone who can take really good care of them. And that's not me.

Exactly how I'm feeling right now:

"Set Me Free" - Casting Crowns
It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains

Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away

Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am...

It's Like the Weather

Interviewer: Give us your best tip for overcoming depression.

Stephen Fry: To regard it as being like the weather. It's not your responsibility that it's raining, but it is real when it rains, and the fact that it's raining does not mean that the rain is never going to stop. The only thing to do is to believe that, one day, it won't be raining and accept it so you can find a mental umbrella to shield yourself from the worst. The sun will eventually come up.

--------------------------------


The sad part? I don't believe that. I do believe it's all my fault. I know that's irrational, but welcome to the way my head works.


Struggling a lot right now. The depression is taking over me again. Feeling like God can't love me like this. Feeling like I'm not good enough. Feeling like I am never going to amount to anything. Feeling like I'm going to fail at this whole missionary thing. Feeling like giving up.

Alive - Natalie Grant

I know I've explained why I post songs on here before, but I just want to say it again for anyone who doesn't know. Music is very important to me and one of the ways God speaks to me is through music. There will be times when I get in the car and the PERFECT song comes on the radio. There are times I listen to "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North and I know that's what God is saying to me. Other times, I don't know what to pray, and then I find a song that puts words to my prayer perfectly. I post songs not just for me, but for anyone else who may just need to hear that song.

This song came from the same album as "Broken Praise." This song is written from Mary Magdalene's perspective and it is another one where the lyrics hit my heart. The lyrics are on the video, but here are the ones that really hit me.



What kind of king
Would chose to wear a crown that bleeds and scars
To win my heart?
What kind of Love
Tells me I’m the reason He can’t stay
Inside the grave?


Who could speak,
And send the demons back from where they came
With just one Name?
What other heart
Would let itself be broken every time until He healed mine?
You. Only You.
Could turn my darkness into dawn
Running right into Your arms

Broken Praise - Todd Smith

I had a counseling appointment today and it went pretty well. There were a few tears, but hey, tears are a good thing for me. Joe asked me about my relationship with God and I told him it was rocky and he asked why. I explained to him that I don't blame God for this, but I just wish He would give me a break (I feel like crap is just constantly being thrown at me, so I don't even have time to breathe). Joe said exactly what Fr. Greg has told me many times. I continue to pray and go to God, even in His silence or His allowing me to suffer. Joe said that is true faith. And for the first time today I realized he and Fr. Greg are right. I've gone through SO MUCH SHIT the last 3 1/2 years of my life, but I've never said, "Screw you, God." Well, I have out of anger, but I've never quit on God. And therefore, He hasn't quit on me. And even though I am a broken mess of a human being, I know that God deserves so much praise, not for what He's done, but for who He is. I haven't cut in 124 days, but my depression is almost crippling right now. But despite that, I muster up everything I have and praise Him through the crap.



I recently found this INCREDIBLE Christian music album called "Music Inspired by the Story" and it's songs by famous Christian artists all pretty much directly from Scripture. It is some of the best music I've ever heard. I am able to pray with it and meditate on the stories in which the songs are written about and dang, it's beautiful. I would definitely recommend getting it.

This song is beautiful. It is the story of Job and in listening to it, it hits home. A lot. I wonder a lot about why the God of the ENTIRE universe would wanna mess with me, a broken college kid. And then He reminds me that He made me good and He loves me.

No matter what I've gone through, I have kept my faith. And yeah, when crap happens I might get mad at Him, but NEVER will I decide I don't want Him anymore. Ever.

Like A Losing Battle

A friend wrote this on her blog and I cannot even explain how true this is: "I'm fed up of fighting all this on my own. Feels like a losing battle against my own head."


Here's what sucks about it all: the battle she and I are fighting is one that we have to do on our own. Yeah, we can have people there by our sides to support and encourage us, but in the end, when we're alone late at night, we are the ones who have to fight all the horrible thoughts. And that fight SUCKS. It's emotionally and sometimes physically draining. 


I can't even tell you how many times I have said to Fr. Greg that when this crap goes on, there is no escape. It's not like I can just leave Steubenville for a couple hours and then come back and it all be fine. No matter where I am, those thoughts are there. Here, home, I had them in Haiti, when I was studying in Austria, always. They are always there. And it is so hard. SO hard. 


I can't ever seem to find peace. I don't ever sleep very well. Even in Mass or in front of the Blessed Sacrament, there is no peace. There are nights that I'm laying in bed with tears streaming down my face and I'm begging God, from the absolute depth of my soul, for Him to bring me some kind of peace.


I know God has a reason for all of this. Maybe one day I'll know, maybe I won't know until I get to ask God face to face. All I know is that I want to live for Him and His glory.


Still cut-free. 122 days.

Triggered...

I've been triggered and now it's taking every single ounce of the tiny amount of strength I have left in me not to pick up a blade and rip into my arms. 

All that is running through my head is that I deserve every cut I've ever made and that I deserve more. Part of me just longs for the feeling of the blade running across my skin. I know that sounds sick, and it is, but if you ask any self-injurer, that feeling is indescribable. I don't want to talk to anyone, which is why I guess I'm spilling my guts on here. 

I was fine yesterday. I had a decent day. Most of today was fine. Then, something made me want to cut. I still have blades from when I was cutting last semester, and tonight was the first time I've touched them since December 12. I dug into the box where the package is, pulled one out, and just looked at it. Then through my head ran all the times I've ever cut. It was weird. And I wanted to pick that blade up. I wanted to make myself bleed. And, well, to be completely honest, I still do. I texted Fr. Greg to let him know I was struggling, but I'm not sure I'll get a response. 

When I started this post I had planned on writing down everything that was going through my head. Now I can't even put all that crap into words. This is all I can get out right now. Sorry it's so jumbled. 

I guess we'll see what happens...Either I'll beat day 121 or tomorrow will end up being day 0...

4 months.

Today, I am 4 months cut-free. 120 days. Man, it's crazy. I didn't think I could ever do it, but day by day I am realizing that I am really starting to beat this. I've gone through some REALLY rough nights this last week, but I got through it because of the help of Erinn and Fr. Greg. They have been an incredible support team. There are no words for how grateful I am for them and the way they have stepped it up for me.

I have had 3 phone calls with Fr. Greg in the last week (which is A LOT more than usual. I maybe talk to him once every 2-3 weeks, if that). So, that kinda shows you where I'm at...He's been tough, but has been so compassionate in it all as well. He's reiterated how he's not going to bail on me. He said that if he hasn't left by now, he's not going anywhere. Just to talk to him is calming. Late Thursday, I talked to him and had a vent session. He just let me bust out everything that I'd been letting sit there. I went on a rant about how some of the people here at Franciscan need a humility check. So many people have a "Holier Than Thou" mentality and it pisses me off. I went on this huge long rant about it and then he told me that the cross wasn't pious. It wasn't perfect. It was dirty and nasty. So, he told me to remember that Jesus is able to understand what I'm going through. And I took that with me to Mass on Good Friday. I sat there and thought about how gruesome the cross was and what Jesus would have said to me from the cross. There were a lot of tears that day.

And Erinn. How to describe Erinn. Simply, one of the most phenomenal people I've ever met. She is such a great person to be around. We can just hang out doing something stupid or we can sit and have serious conversations. And I am completely comfortable with telling her I'm struggling. She has encouraged me a lot this week, especially when it comes to talking. I'm not someone who likes to talk about what is really bothering me, but there was one occasion in which she pretty much demanded I call Fr. Greg. She will also randomly text me to check on me and she knows when I'm giving her a bullshit answer. We hang out every single day and I am so grateful for that. She went with me to Haiti too, so we can talk about our "Haitian Baby Fever" together. Hahaha. Erinn, I know you read this. So, from the very bottom of my heart, thank you.

So, that's kinda where I'm at. I've got my ups and my downs, as usual. Some days are almost impossible to get through, but by the grace of God, I can.

I graduate from Franciscan University in 30 days and I'm moving to Romania in 4 months. Man, I can't believe it! Here comes the rest of my life, whether I'm ready for it or not. I'm pretty sure I'm ready ;)

Sometimes

Just saw this on Tumblr. I cannot even tell you how many times this exact thing has run through my head.

Well, I've officially gone longer than ever before. 111 days cut-free. I should be happy about that, right? I can't help but be afraid of a relapse soon. That's how it always goes.