A Weekend in DC

First of all, I need to admit that I've started cutting again. I don't really want to go into details with anyone.

So, I saw Fr. Greg this weekend. It was incredible. It was the first time I'd seen him in over a year. I met him in DC (my friend Nick and I stayed at our friend Josh's house, which is about 30 minutes outside DC) and now, Nick sees why I speak so highly of him. First, Fr. Greg and I just talked. He, of course, knows that I've started cutting again. Fr. Greg and Joe, my counselor, are the only ones. When I got to DC, I met him at the Newman Center at George Washington University. First, we went to his office just to talk. He wanted to know what was REALLY going on, not the typical bullshit I feed people. Before we started talking, as soon as we got into his office, he just hugged me. A few seconds later, I tried to pull away but he wouldn't let me. He said, "Catherine, I love you. I really do. Please believe me." Then, I started crying. I just let the tears flow and I basically collapsed in his arms. As I cried, he just held me. It literally felt like Christ was holding me. It was something I've never felt before. It was amazing.

We were in his office just talking about everything. Like I said, he wanted no bullshit. And he could tell when I was trying to bullshit him. He's trying so hard to understand how I can think the way that I do. He can't believe that I think some of the things that I do. We talked about how this is completely spiritual warfare. The devil physically attacks me. He makes me think the things that I do, but then I make the choice to stop fighting and cut. He told me something that I'd never really thought before. He said, "Think of spiritual warfare kind of as a compliment. The devil's not going to waste his time on a nobody who's not going to do anything. You're destined for GREAT things." That was something that made me a little stronger. It gives me a little hope. It beats the lie that I'm not going to amount to anything.

After we talked, we went to the chapel so Fr. Greg could pray over me. He brought the Eucharist out from the tabernacle and placed it on the altar. It was really cool to have Jesus present while the power of God flowed out from Fr. Greg's hands. He had me sit in the front of the chapel and he placed his hands on my head. He began praying and it was the most powerful prayer I've ever heard. He prayed with his hands on my head for a few minutes and then, he took my arms and prayed for healing. Then he placed his hands on my legs and my legs started burning. That's when I knew the Holy Spirit was working. Heat in a part of your body while being prayed over is a sign of the anointing of the Holy Spirit. He then anointed my head with oil, praying that God would bring peace to my mind. Then he took my left arm and I pulled it away. He took it again and then anointed it, making the sign of the cross on it with the oil. Then, he took my Rosary from my hands, and anointed my hands with oil. He prayed that my hands would only do good and no longer be used as a weapon against myself. He then put his hands back on my head and prayed. Then he bought the Eucharist and stood directly in front of me. All I could think about was my conversion 5 years ago, so I reached up and touched the garment he was holding the monstrance in. He then blessed me with the Eucharist and All in all, it lasted about 20 minutes. It was incredible.

He then said Mass for Nick and I in the chapel and took us out to lunch after. When we were getting ready to leave, I asked Fr. Greg if I could ask him something. I said "How do you do this?" and he looked at me, confused. I said "How have you put up with me and all my shit over the last 2 1/2 years?" and he said "It's because I love you. I'm not going anywhere. You can try as hard as you want to push me away. I'm not leaving you. God put me in your life." I was shocked. I know deep down in my heart that he won't ever abandon me, no matter what I do, but part of me can't figure out how the heck he's still in my life.