A Weekend in DC

First of all, I need to admit that I've started cutting again. I don't really want to go into details with anyone.

So, I saw Fr. Greg this weekend. It was incredible. It was the first time I'd seen him in over a year. I met him in DC (my friend Nick and I stayed at our friend Josh's house, which is about 30 minutes outside DC) and now, Nick sees why I speak so highly of him. First, Fr. Greg and I just talked. He, of course, knows that I've started cutting again. Fr. Greg and Joe, my counselor, are the only ones. When I got to DC, I met him at the Newman Center at George Washington University. First, we went to his office just to talk. He wanted to know what was REALLY going on, not the typical bullshit I feed people. Before we started talking, as soon as we got into his office, he just hugged me. A few seconds later, I tried to pull away but he wouldn't let me. He said, "Catherine, I love you. I really do. Please believe me." Then, I started crying. I just let the tears flow and I basically collapsed in his arms. As I cried, he just held me. It literally felt like Christ was holding me. It was something I've never felt before. It was amazing.

We were in his office just talking about everything. Like I said, he wanted no bullshit. And he could tell when I was trying to bullshit him. He's trying so hard to understand how I can think the way that I do. He can't believe that I think some of the things that I do. We talked about how this is completely spiritual warfare. The devil physically attacks me. He makes me think the things that I do, but then I make the choice to stop fighting and cut. He told me something that I'd never really thought before. He said, "Think of spiritual warfare kind of as a compliment. The devil's not going to waste his time on a nobody who's not going to do anything. You're destined for GREAT things." That was something that made me a little stronger. It gives me a little hope. It beats the lie that I'm not going to amount to anything.

After we talked, we went to the chapel so Fr. Greg could pray over me. He brought the Eucharist out from the tabernacle and placed it on the altar. It was really cool to have Jesus present while the power of God flowed out from Fr. Greg's hands. He had me sit in the front of the chapel and he placed his hands on my head. He began praying and it was the most powerful prayer I've ever heard. He prayed with his hands on my head for a few minutes and then, he took my arms and prayed for healing. Then he placed his hands on my legs and my legs started burning. That's when I knew the Holy Spirit was working. Heat in a part of your body while being prayed over is a sign of the anointing of the Holy Spirit. He then anointed my head with oil, praying that God would bring peace to my mind. Then he took my left arm and I pulled it away. He took it again and then anointed it, making the sign of the cross on it with the oil. Then, he took my Rosary from my hands, and anointed my hands with oil. He prayed that my hands would only do good and no longer be used as a weapon against myself. He then put his hands back on my head and prayed. Then he bought the Eucharist and stood directly in front of me. All I could think about was my conversion 5 years ago, so I reached up and touched the garment he was holding the monstrance in. He then blessed me with the Eucharist and All in all, it lasted about 20 minutes. It was incredible.

He then said Mass for Nick and I in the chapel and took us out to lunch after. When we were getting ready to leave, I asked Fr. Greg if I could ask him something. I said "How do you do this?" and he looked at me, confused. I said "How have you put up with me and all my shit over the last 2 1/2 years?" and he said "It's because I love you. I'm not going anywhere. You can try as hard as you want to push me away. I'm not leaving you. God put me in your life." I was shocked. I know deep down in my heart that he won't ever abandon me, no matter what I do, but part of me can't figure out how the heck he's still in my life.

Feeling Discouraged

I've been feeling REALLY discouraged lately. Life's just taking it's toll on me. I love where I live and the friends I live with. I love being back in Steubenville and the classes I'm taking. But still, something's wrong.

I got some serious tough love from Fr. Greg last night that absolutely broke my heart. I was telling him how tempted I was to just give up and he said that when I cut, it hurt him. Well, I didn't really believe him. I have it in my head that when I cut, it only hurt me. Well, he explained to me last night how it hurt him. It broke my heart to know that I've hurt him so much.


I get e-mailed a Catholic quote everyday. It was like today's was meant for me: "No one, however weak, is denied a share in the victory of the cross. No one is beyond the help of the prayer of Christ." -St. Leo the Great

I'm headed out to Washington, D.C. this weekend to see Fr. Greg. I'm really looking forward to seeing him :)

So Ready To Cut

My heart is racing, I can’t think, I can barely breathe, I can feel ice running through my veins…I want to cut so bad. 

Satan, you have no right to be near me. In the name of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I command you to be gone. I call forth the protection of the the Most Precious Blood of Christ and I place the full armor of God upon myself. I call upon the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, and I call upon St. Michael, the Archangel to defend me. I call upon the intercession of St. Padre Pio, St. Maximilian Kolbe, and St. Mary Magdalene. 

Jesus, I trust in You. Jesus, I trust in You. Jesus, I trust in You.

A Prayer Full of "Why?"

Lord,

Why am I so afraid to let people love me? Why do I have such a hard time accepting love? Why did I let my insecurities absolutely ruin my friendship/possible relationship with Dan? I know You love me, but why do I still feel like I'm not worthy of anyone's time or their love? Just tonight, I sent Fr. Greg a text asking if he ever regrets telling me the night that we met that I had to call him before I was allowed to cut. I know he loves me. He's never left my side and he just told me that he'd do anything for me. Why do I doubt that he loves me? Lord, so much good could have come from a relationship with Dan, but here I am wondering what it would have been like if for once I stuck around instead of running away from it.

Show me the way, Lord, because I'm not really sure where to go from here.

This is my life...AND I LOVE IT!

Yesterday was my 21st birthday. It was a birthday that, like my 20th birthday, I wasn't sure I'd reach. If you go back to December 24, 2010 about a phone conversation with Fr. Greg, you'll know what I'm talking about. Before Austria, I really didn't know if I'd hit 21. Last night, Fr. Greg called me to wish me a happy birthday and all I could say is "Thank you for helping me see another birthday." He is Christ in my life. I'm not even kidding. I have no idea what I'd do without Fr. Greg. I seriously wouldn't be here. God brought him into my life exactly when I needed to be loved and to be shown the unconditional love of God. Once, I asked Fr. Greg why he put up with me and all of my crap for so long. He all he said was "This is the love of Christ." I was blown away. There really is no reason that he should still be in my life, but he is. And he's shown me more love than any single person ever has. He saved my life, on multiple occasions. I am so beyond blessed to have him as a friend.

I'm back in Steubenville for the rest of the summer and so far, it's been really good. Every night, I've hung out with my friends. There are so many more people here this summer than there was last summer, so it's WAY better. Plus, I'm living off campus in an apartment with one of my friends, so it's been cool to be out of the dorms, because dorm life just drives me nuts now. Today, I was driving back to my apartment and I thought..."This is my life. I go to Franciscan University, the most Catholic college in the world (http://franciscan.edu/News/Extras/Gines-Translation/), I just spent 4 months living in Europe, I have the most incredible people in the world in my life, and a God who loves me SO much that His Son DIED a horrifyingly brutal death so I could be in union with Him." I started to cry. God is just so good. That's all I can say. He's blessed me in so many ways and as many times as I've wanted to give up, He hasn't let me.

"So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." -Ephesians 3:17-19

Control - JJ Heller

The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me
It doesn't hurt enough to make me forget
One moment of relief is never long enough
To keep the voices in my head
From stealing my peace

Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go

Perfection has a price
But I cannot afford to live that life
It always ends the same; a fight I never win
Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go

I'm letting go of the illusion
I'm letting go of the confusion
I can't carry it another step
I close my eyes and take a breath
I'm letting go, letting go

There were scars before my scars
Love written on the hands that hung the stars
Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me

Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go...
Control
It's time, time to let you go 

Mission Trip to Romania

It's been 2 months since I've been to Romania. My heart longs to be reunited with Fr. Remus and the people we served. I realized that I'd never posted anything about the mission trip that turned my life upside down. I had no idea that this mission trip would be one of the first steps in breaking my addiction to cutting. For a week, I didn't once think about myself. It was all about the kids at the orphanage and the people of Turt. Here's my post from my Austria blog.


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When I arrived in Romania, I had no idea what to expect, but I had absolutely no idea that my world was going to be rocked so hard by a small Greek Catholic parish and by a 5-year-old boy named Codrutz and a 9-year-old boy named Bennie. My heart aches because we had to leave. We arrived in Romania hoping to lead people closer to Christ. In the process, they led us closer to Him. Turt, Romania and the Romanian people will always hold a special place in my heart.

It started out with me, Joe, Bill, and Katie arriving on Saturday night in Satu Mare, Romania. We walked out of the train station and were met by Fr. Remus. We drove about an hour and a half to the small farming town of Turt. We stayed in an apartment building near the center of town. On Sunday, we went to the Divine Liturgy (It was a Greek Catholic Church, so it’s not Mass. It’s a Byzantine Rite Liturgy) and then planned the Sunday night catechesis. Bill talked about the Holy Spirit and then the people asked us questions. On Sunday night, the two other members of our team arrived.

Each day began with our team praying Morning Prayer, going to Liturgy, and then having breakfast at Fr. Remus’ apartment. After those 3 things, we would talk about the schedule for the day and go out and take on the world. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, we visited the orphanage in the next town over. It was amazing. These kids were so happy to see us. They had so much joy and were so much fun. There were 2 kids I really clicked with: Codrutz and Bennie. Even though we couldn’t understand each other, I was able to love them and they loved me. It changed my life forever.

On Wednesday and Friday evenings, we did prayer ministry after the Stations of the Cross. We first explained to the parishioners what prayer ministry was (thanks to translating by Fr. Remus) and surprisingly, we prayed over people for an hour and a half. Everyone in the church came up to be prayed over. It was awesome. The Lord definitely worked in peoples’ hearts that night. One woman told Fr. Remus that she would remember our prayers for the rest of her life. That moved us all to tears. Even though there was a HUGE language barrier, God is bigger than that and worked like crazy that night.

So much changed in my heart during our time in Romania. I’m going through withdrawal right now, which is apparently pretty common in people after mission trips. I don’t really want to be here in Austria or back home in the States right now. All I want is to be serving the incredible people of Romania. In talking to people on both my mission and the other Romanian mission team, we all miss it a lot. I’m still trying to process all that went on during our time in Romania and I’m sure that will continue to happen for a while. I’m asking for prayers for my heart. Right now, it’s 2 countries away in Romania.

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2 months later, the people of Romania still have my heart. I miss it like crazy and want to go back more than anything in the world. I pray that God may one day allow me to return to Romania.