I just went through and read every single on of my blog posts starting back in September 2009. Man, I have come a LONG way from where I used to be. I read some of those posts and could tell that the person writing that was not the person I am today. She was lost, hopeless, angry, sad, etc. A few times I was like, "Holy crap...I wrote that stuff? Man...I'm glad I'm not who I used to be." The way I became who I am today: God. My life only started to change my attitude about life. By constantly focusing on the bad stuff, it blocks your ability to see the good things. When I changed my attitude, I became closer to Christ. I finally could say sincerely to God that I was ready for Him to help me. I said that prayer probably 1,000 times in the last 2 years, but I never said it sincerely. I was never really ready to give God control. Well, I was finally ready and God began to heal my heart. I haven't cut since December 23, but this time, I'm not counting days. I'm counting the fact that in the last 6 months, I've only cut 5 times, which is a HUGE improvement from my time at Xavier and when things were bad this summer. The suicide thoughts have gone away because God has shown me what a gift life really is and how precious it is. I actually believe that people genuinely love me.
I no longer ask myself, "Can this person really love me? They must be faking it. How long before they leave, just like everyone else?" I'm beginning to trust people more (which was a really big problem). I'm really feeling the love of God. I've spent at least 20 minutes in prayer every day for the last week. First, I've talked to God the Father, then Jesus, then the Holy Spirit, then Mama Mary, St. Michael, and Padre Pio. I know that praying to all these specific people may sound ridiculous, but it's truly helping. Yesterday, I went to Confession after noon Mass with Fr. Tom, the pastor of my parish. I'd emailed him on Sunday telling him I was about to go to Austria and I wanted to get to Confession before I left. It was a really good Confession. I told him how I'd cut a few times since I came home, how I'd tried to replace the cutting with other things that were NOT good, how I'd rejected God's love for me and other's love for me. The rejecting love thing hasn't been lately, but it's been there since the last time I went to Confession, which was right before finals began. I walked out feeling like I had a clean slate and that I was created good. A few tears fell as I talked to Fr. Tom about this stuff, but I was genuinely sorry for having done all this stuff. I'm feeling better than I have in a really long time. I sent Fr. Greg a few texts the other night and he responded with, "Wow...you're finally getting it and I can tell you actually believe it." I really feel like I'm going in the right direction.
God's really healing my heart and a lot of it is coming from the program I'm doing. Today's day 38 of the program and it's really helped. I told my friend Christina, who's going to Austria with me, that I want the 4 months we spend in Europe to be like a big retreat. I'm looking for ongoing conversion over there. She told me that she did too, so we're going to do that together. Fr. Rick gave me specific directions to go to visit the Blessed Sacrament every day while I'm over there, which I definitely agreed to. I texted one of my friends who's going to be one of my roommates and asked her if she'd make sure I go to the chapel every night. She said only if I'd make her go too. So, yay for accountability partners! I'm really, really looking forward to my time in Austria. It'll be the experience of a lifetime and honestly, it'll be really good to get away from home and Steubenville for a little while. The reason I want to get away from Steubenville has absolutely nothing to do with needing to get away from people. After living in the poorest city in Ohio for a year, I just need a little time away. So, it's sounding to me like I need some time away from the entire U.S., which I'll be getting 4 days from now. Fr. Rick e-mailed me just to check on me a few days after Christmas. I was brutally honest with him and told him what all had been going on. He responded in his usual loving way, and told me that he'd be praying that "2011 is a year full of healing and joyful experiences in Europe." I just have this feeling inside of me that my time in Austria is going to change me a lot. I'm not taking any blades over to Austria with me, so I won't be cutting while I'm there. I'm going to be there until May. What a victory when I come back clean for 4 more months!
Wow...I can really tell that the virtue of hope has increased in my heart a lot lately. Glory to God!
The next time I post, I'll probably be in Austria! Please pray for safe travels for all of us. Thanks!
No comments:
Post a Comment