A Support System Rooted In Christ

Last night, I realized how truly amazing my friends here at Franciscan are. I have to give my testimony in my Intro to Catechetics class tomorrow morning, so I needed to practice doing it without reading it off the paper, like I normally do when I give it. So I asked a few of my friends if they'd be willing to listen to it. They instantaneously agreed, so we went to one of the dorms' common room and I had everyone sit down. Then I just spilled my heart out to them. I'm not going to lie, I was kind of hesitant because a lot of people don't know how to handle self-injury, but I felt like I could trust these 7 people. When I was finished, they gave me some constructive criticism and then my friend Mel asked if they could pray over me. I said "Of course!" and Travis, Nick, Josh, Jessica, Kristine, Linda, and Mel then placed their hands on me. Mel led an amazing, touching prayer and I started to tear up. Even though I've only known these people a little over a month, I cannot figure out how I lived my life without them...I guess I really wasn't living my life without them. When Mel was done praying, we all sat down and talked. Josh asked a little more about Fr. Greg and it turns out Josh knows him. Josh is from Maryland, near St. Andrew's, which is where Fr. Greg used to be the parochial vicar. But then Josh made a amazing point, there is a support system here that is rooted in Christ, and that's what I was missing at Xavier. I had a support system, but something was missing. I've found it here, in an incredible support system rooted in Christ. My life is so much better, even though I've only been here a month. I feel better, my relationship with God is improving day by day, and I'm becoming a better person. I threw away my last blade the other day and now that I have friends who know, they've promised to be my accountability people. I'm so happy to be here and I cannot wait to see what else God has in store for my life!! :)

What Ifs

First of all, Mass today was AWESOME!!!!!! Fr. Rick was the main celebrant and Fr. Calloway con-celebrated. Two very holy men...very cool. In Fr. Rick's homily today, he talked about having to take risks. I have somewhat of a problem taking risks. You might not guess that, but I do. I had a massive freak out right before I switched high schools and I had quite the freak out before I came here to Franciscan. Heck, I even dyed my hair pink last night. Haha. Just the tips, but it looks really sweet :) But back to what I was talking about. Fr. Rick said doing the safe thing never accomplished anything. He's so right. I've been stressing out about getting a counselor here on campus because I've had so many problems with ones in the past. I still have yet to turn in the paperwork, but I'm working on it. I'm thinking of giving it to a friend to turn in for me. Chances are, I won't do it, knowing how things could turn out. But Fr. Rick's homily was exactly what I needed to hear. It was really encouraging. I guess we'll see.

Here's a song that's really touched my life. I saw Nichole Nordeman in concert with Casting Crowns before I truly believed in God. This song really helps me when I'm struggling with doubt.





What if you're right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you're right?
What if it's true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it's true?

What if he takes his place in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

But what if you're wrong?
What if there's more?
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends?
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions down inside?
That's all you find.

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Than folklore that must be told and retold?

But what if you're wrong?
What if there's more?
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

You've been running as fast as you can
You've been looking for a place you can land for so long...
But what if you're wrong?

An Interesting Night...

The weirdest thing ever happened to me today. I went to Confession tonight because I cut myself last night. I confessed to Fr. Rick that I'd been struggling with cutting and that I'm extremely hesitant to get help. He explained to me that the counseling center here is pretty good and really encouraged me to call them. Well, I guess I'll be calling the counseling center tomorrow. Here's where it gets weird...After I walked out of the chapel, I instantly felt like crap. I felt like I hadn't even gone to Confession. It was so bad. I almost started to cry. It was the craziest feeling ever. I wanted to cut so bad as soon as I left the chapel. So of course, my having no self-control led to me cutting tonight. It's getting really frustrating. Satan's got a hold of my thinking. He makes me think I'm worthless and not worthy of God's love, which is completely untrue. Fr. Greg told me last week that I've gotta quit believing the lies. I know I do, but really, I can't help it. I'm constantly going back to the blade.

Right now, the song "Savior, Please" by Josh Wilson is playing on my iTunes. It's basically going to be my prayer for tonight. Here are the lyrics.

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last


I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me

Some Tough Love in Confession

Well, to be totally honest, it hasn't been the best of weeks...I love it here at Franciscan, but I'm still struggling with cutting. I've been rejecting professional help for a while now, but thanks to Fr. Dominic, I have to get it. I went to Confession today and Fr. Dominic was my confessor. I told him how it'd been like 5 days since my last confession and explained to him how I'd cut myself twice in the last 5 days. He told me I'm not alone and I'd probably be surprised at how many times he's had students confess self-injury to him. He asked me if I'd gotten a counselor's help lately and I told him no. I told him how it never seems to work and that I feel like it's a waste of both my and the counselor's time. He then said something that literally made me feel a stabbing pain in my chest. He said "Catherine, look. You've gotta do this. Look at the cross and look what He did for you. Now it's your turn to pick up your cross. When you're in counseling and it starts to hurt, think of Him and what He did to save you." I started crying and I know he could tell I was pretty upset. Then he said to me "If I make your penance to call the counseling center, will you do it?" I said "To be totally honest, Father, yes, but it'll take a while." He agreed and said "Okay. Your penance is to call the counseling center sometime in the next 6 weeks." I agreed and so now I'm praying that God gives me the strength to actually do it. It was some tough love from Fr. Dominic today, but I know that he wants me to get the help. It's nice to be in a new environment and kinda have a fresh start. Only one of my friends here knows about my cutting, and he's been a big support system already. Because it was a penance, I pretty much have to call the counseling center. I don't know when it'll be, but it'll be when God gives me the strength to do it.

Let The Waters Rise - MIKESCHAIR

Confession with Fr. Michael Scanlan

I went to Confession for the first time here on campus tonight and holy crap...It was AMAZING!!! We have Confession 4 times a week on campus and tonight I went to Fr. Michael Scanlan, who is pretty famous. He's currently the chancellor of the university, but used to be the president, he's published like a billion books, etc. He's just an amazing guy. Patrick, the youth minister of my church, told me to find him sometime and talk to him. Patrick said that when Fr. Michael looks into your eyes, it's like he looks into your soul. I felt tonight that Fr. Michael knew what was in my heart and soul. It was an incredible experience. I confessed to him my sins and he looked at me in the eye and said "I can tell you've truly felt God's mercy before and that's what you want more than anything, isn't it?" I told him that's exactly what I want and need. He then absolved me from my sins and as I was about to get up, he put his hand on my shoulder and asked me to wait a minute. He then placed his hand on my head and prayed a beautiful blessing over me. Tonight was one of the best Confessions ever. God's given me a clean slate, and I'm going to do my best to keep it clean.

Safe - Phil Wickham

I love this song. It reminds me how much God loves me.



To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong and never let you go
oh you're not alone


You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms


Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free