Random Crap

I know I haven't posted lately, but I am really sick and out of commission for the day, so I figured I'd update you all on the crazy life that I live. Haha.

A week and a half ago, I went on a retreat called Born of the Spirit and it was a super blessed time. I didn't really want to go all that much, but I'm glad that I did. Thank you, Erinn, for being such a good influence in my life. Hahaha. I honestly don't know what I would do without you!

But, on the downside, I've been feeling kinda crappy lately. I just can't seem to shake this round of depression. Today is day 78, but it doesn't really seem to matter all that much. I feel like each day is not a victory when I have to fight that hard to get it. I'm worn down emotionally and spiritually. I am still in that place where I don't really want anything to do with God and that is BAD. He is the only reason that I am where I'm at and I've kinda told Him that I don't need Him right now, which is so wrong. Fr. Brad keeps trying to get that through my head, but sure I know it in my head, but I don't believe it. Here's the thing about Fr. Brad. We have a love/hate relationship with one another. He is harder on me than anyone ever had been and most of the time that SUCKS. It can be really hard for me to sit in his office and have him rip me to shreds the way that he does. Other times, he is the most encouraging person in my life. So, it's hard. Sometimes when I need that encouragement, he rips on me, so that doesn't help and that makes me not want to talk to him. He doesn't quite get that I am my worst critic and I already rip myself to shreds, so I don't really need him to do it too. I had heard that Fr. Brad was one of the toughest spiritual directors here and I didn't really believe it. Boy, I was wrong. He makes me face stuff I really don't want to and it hurts like hell, but I am hoping that healing is going to come from it one day.

I haven't seen my counselor in a month, which isn't really a good thing either, but I don't want to talk about stuff, so I'm not going to go see him. 

So, being 78 days cut-free, I guess there is a spark of hope in me somewhere. A lot of times I wish that damn little thing would go out, but God's not letting it.

We leave for our mission trip to Haiti in a mere 11 days. I am SOOOOO excited for it. One of the biggest reasons I haven't cut is because I want to go without any cuts. What sucks about it is that I have to make sure my shorts are really long because of my scars. About half of our team of 8 knows that I've struggled with it, but none of them have seen the scars. And it's not something I want any of them or any of the kids in Haiti to see.

I got a very generous donation for my mission work in Romania from one of my readers on here. You know who you are, so THANK YOU!!!

I don't know if I will post again before we go to Haiti, so please pray for the safety of our mission as well as God's will be done and that all our work may be for His glory.