Why? Because I love you.

My friend and roommate Emily just sent me this Facebook message. 


"this is a reflection on God's love that one of my friends sent me, and I couldn't help but share it with all of you. she's living in Haiti and felt this in her soul as she was laying up on the roof, looking up at the stars. it might be a little harder for the guys to read, but hey, God loves you passionately and completely too, and you can put your own spin on it :)

Jesus: "Come away by [yourself] to a deserted place and rest a while." (from Mark 6: 30-34) Have you ever been with someone who had something so incredibly special to show you? Do you remember the excitment in his eyes, how his voice changed as he told you about it and called you to it? Imagine him taking you by the hands, pulling you to this special thing he had waiting. Just for you. Imagine what you're feeling in your heart. Has some of that excitiment rubbed off on you? Do you feel yourself putting off distractions in order to be present for this moment you're being pulled to?

Now, imagine that person with a surprise for you is Me. Don't just imagine, actually - know it's Me. Tonight, I pull you up onto the roof, My back towards the sky, My eyes never loosing your gaze, our hands locked. I am so, so excited to be here with you right now. I am so, so happy you said yes when I asked. Watch me, now, as I fling My arms up to the sky. 'Look!' I tell you, and I gesture to the sky, a sky with more stars than you've ever seen, filled to overflowing. The stars shimmer. You catch Me staring at you as you take it in, and I am smiling, because I am so joyful to be able to give this to you tonight. And because I know your heart, I know that you, too, are joyful looking at it. Hold up your arms. It's part of letting go. You'll notice, in between your hands, a star shoots. Don't doubt that I did this, too, for you. You deserve it. Why? Because I love you. I love you. I love you.

Things will not always feel this perfect. Even now, you tremble. Did you know I was holding you even before you started trembling? Of course I was. So fall into My arms. I have felt everything you will ever feel, and there is nothing I had in all of My pain, My suffering, My dissapointment, that I will not give you, too.

Remember that My Father, your Father - our Father - made this sky and all the stars in it. Can you imagine how hard it was for me to leave Him to be on Earth? I could do it only because I knew it meant I could be with you, and thats how much I love you. Look at this sky, and feel how much you feel for your Heavenly Father in it. Then, imagine how much more I, His only Son, abandoned to come below it with you as He commanded to suffer with you. You need to understand this love I have for you before you can love in this world as I am commanding.

Thank you, my dear child, for letting Me love you tonight."


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I wish with all my heart that I believed that God truly does love me. I go back and forth a lot between knowing God loves me and believing that He can't. I hate going back and forth. I guess that because I keep going back and forth means that I don't truly believe that God loves me. I sit in Mass sometimes and wonder. We had a Festival of Praise a week and a half ago and it reminded me a lot of my initial conversion. As soon as the Eucharist came in, I lost it. I started crying hysterically and couldn't get it together. I thought "How could You love me?" I felt in my heart that He was trying to tell me that it didn't matter and that He really does love me, unconditionally. I'm trying so hard to believe it. In Mass yesterday, I prayed that the Lord would give me the grace to know His love for me. That's one thing Fr. Rick told me to do over here. I'm trying so hard to get it together. I know I need to pray more often and stop begging God to help me. I need to praise Him for all He has done for me in the last 5 years, because it's been a lot, even when I was trying to take control of my own life. Sometimes I can't believe that I don't believe God loves me. He's shown me SO many times that He does. 

I don't know what's going on. I know all of this stuff in my head, I need to know it in my heart. I want to have a good relationship with the Lord. I think some of this is coming from not cutting for so long, but still. Things are messed up. I was really hoping that this semester would be one of ongoing conversion. That's what I wanted more than anything this semester. I was hoping it could kind of be like a 4 month retreat from all the crap back home. So far, not so much. I know I've still got a while left here, but I'm afraid I've let too much time slip away. I feel like I'm almost in too deep of a hole to get myself out of...deeper than any hole I've dug myself into before. I just want things to be okay, and just for once, stay okay. I'm getting so sick of things being like this. I'm fine for a little while, but then, it's back to where I was. 

My relationship with God has always been better when I'm cutting, as screwed up as that sounds. It's when I'm at a really dark moment that I give up and drop to my knees in prayer. It's then I know that God's the one who really can help me. Then, I give it up for a while and it's like He's says go me, "Look, you're okay now. You can do it by yourself." That's what I feel like right now. This is where things really get tough. I didn't bring anything to cut with me, but I know I can get my hands on something. I feel like right now it's not worth it to stay clean because things are just as bad when I try to stay clean as they are when I cut. I just can't catch a break. It's ridiculous. I thought getting away for the semester would help. I was wrong. I'm afraid it's going to be like this for the rest of my life. I can't keep doing this whole back and forth thing. It takes a huge toll on me.


I've got a meeting with one of the friars here in Austria today. He's the one Fr. Rick told me to talk to. Hopefully it'll help.