Well, I did something REALLY stupid yesterday. I went and bought box cutter blades for the sole purpose of cutting myself with them. It was a huge lapse in judgement. I'm trying to figure out why the hell I did it. I was in a weird state of mind yesterday. It's like it wasn't me. I could have pretty easily killed myself with a box cutter blade. Those things are freakin' dangerous. I cut with them yesterday and got rid of them today. I took them to Fr. Robert a few hours ago. When he saw them, he was like "Are you kidding me? Catherine, these could have done some serious damage. What the hell were you thinking?" I almost showed him my left forearm, but didn't. No matter how big the blade is, serious emotional damage is done every time.
Now that I officially have no more blades in the house, I'm beginning to start freaking out. My coping mechanism is gone...completely gone. I've been cutting for almost 15 months now and all of the sudden, I've got nothing. I'm wondering if I'm really ready for this or not. I'm trying to believe that it's all going to be okay once I get to school. I'm trying to completely rely on God. I've prayed the prayer to St. Michael the Archangel a few times already when I can feel the impulses coming on. I'm praying that the impulses don't get so bad that I resort to a kitchen knife. Talk about doing some damage. I'm just trying to stay calm and not go insane.
I'm really trying to trust in this verse right now: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10
No comments:
Post a Comment