Some Tough Love in Confession

Well, to be totally honest, it hasn't been the best of weeks...I love it here at Franciscan, but I'm still struggling with cutting. I've been rejecting professional help for a while now, but thanks to Fr. Dominic, I have to get it. I went to Confession today and Fr. Dominic was my confessor. I told him how it'd been like 5 days since my last confession and explained to him how I'd cut myself twice in the last 5 days. He told me I'm not alone and I'd probably be surprised at how many times he's had students confess self-injury to him. He asked me if I'd gotten a counselor's help lately and I told him no. I told him how it never seems to work and that I feel like it's a waste of both my and the counselor's time. He then said something that literally made me feel a stabbing pain in my chest. He said "Catherine, look. You've gotta do this. Look at the cross and look what He did for you. Now it's your turn to pick up your cross. When you're in counseling and it starts to hurt, think of Him and what He did to save you." I started crying and I know he could tell I was pretty upset. Then he said to me "If I make your penance to call the counseling center, will you do it?" I said "To be totally honest, Father, yes, but it'll take a while." He agreed and said "Okay. Your penance is to call the counseling center sometime in the next 6 weeks." I agreed and so now I'm praying that God gives me the strength to actually do it. It was some tough love from Fr. Dominic today, but I know that he wants me to get the help. It's nice to be in a new environment and kinda have a fresh start. Only one of my friends here knows about my cutting, and he's been a big support system already. Because it was a penance, I pretty much have to call the counseling center. I don't know when it'll be, but it'll be when God gives me the strength to do it.

Let The Waters Rise - MIKESCHAIR

Confession with Fr. Michael Scanlan

I went to Confession for the first time here on campus tonight and holy crap...It was AMAZING!!! We have Confession 4 times a week on campus and tonight I went to Fr. Michael Scanlan, who is pretty famous. He's currently the chancellor of the university, but used to be the president, he's published like a billion books, etc. He's just an amazing guy. Patrick, the youth minister of my church, told me to find him sometime and talk to him. Patrick said that when Fr. Michael looks into your eyes, it's like he looks into your soul. I felt tonight that Fr. Michael knew what was in my heart and soul. It was an incredible experience. I confessed to him my sins and he looked at me in the eye and said "I can tell you've truly felt God's mercy before and that's what you want more than anything, isn't it?" I told him that's exactly what I want and need. He then absolved me from my sins and as I was about to get up, he put his hand on my shoulder and asked me to wait a minute. He then placed his hand on my head and prayed a beautiful blessing over me. Tonight was one of the best Confessions ever. God's given me a clean slate, and I'm going to do my best to keep it clean.

Safe - Phil Wickham

I love this song. It reminds me how much God loves me.



To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong and never let you go
oh you're not alone


You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms


Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free

Oh, How I love FUS

This place is absolutely incredible. I just thought I'd share with you what went on last night. My really good friend came over and brought his guitar. Then me, my roommate, and 2 of our friends came over. Travis played praise and worship songs on his guitar while the girls sang. This all took place in the lobby of my dorm. Other people even came and joined us. It was incredible. I love being at a school where it's cool to be playing praise and worship songs on the guitar and singing along. Like even right now, there's a girl playing her guitar in the stairwell. Her voice is incredible. But last night was so awesome. It was great to be praising God with such wonderful friends. I love being at a place where "Are you going out tonight?" has been replaced by "Wanna go to Mass then get dinner afterwards?" I really did feel the power of God last night. I NEVER sing in front of people. That's just not what I do. I sing in the car and that's about it. But somehow, Travis got me to sing last night and it was great to be able to bow down to God and just praise His name with such good friends. I love it here. I definitely came to the right school.

I haven't cut 2 weeks and not a single impulse. LIFE IS AWESOME!!!

First Day of Classes

Well, to be perfectly honest, today was quite overwhelming. I'm so glad to be back in school, don't get me wrong, but being in a completely different place right now is hard. A lot of people told me it would be an adjustment, and I didn't really believe them, but they were so right. It's just been a crazy, busy day.

Today, we had our opening of the semester Mass. It was so amazing. Mass here is so powerful. I love it. Everyone sings and I really can feel the power of God. What's funny is right before Mass, I ran into Fr. Calloway, the priest who has an INCREDIBLE conversion story who I blogged about at the beginning of December. I e-mailed him on Friday night to ask him when he thought he'd be around campus. He said he wasn't sure, so I just figured I'd randomly run into him one day. Well, as my friend Jessie and I were walking out of the student center to go to Mass, guess who walks right in front of me...Fr. Calloway. I called his name and he stopped. I walked over to him and introduced myself and he insantly remembered me. He said he was so glad to finally meet me and he asked me how I liked it here so far. We talked for a few minutes and it was a really fruitful conversation. Fr. Calloway's definitely a man of amazing faith.

I'm also overwhelmed because I feel like everyone here is so strong in their faith, and here I am, as someone who's extremely broken and needs a whole lot of healing. My faith has greatly suffered over the last year and a half. It's juts really hard. I'm praying for healing for my heart right now. That's what I need the most.

I'm Finally Here!

I moved into my dorm yesterday and started orientation last night. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. Franciscan is so freakin' amazing. Everyone here is on fire for God and it's absolutely incredible. During Mass today, I realized that I am, in fact, in the right place. OMG...This place is so holy it's AWESOME!!!!! I finally feel like I've found where I belong. When I used to go to daily Mass at Xavier, a lot of times I'd get looks from people as I walked into the chapel, but here, literally everyone goes to daily Mass. I'm not uncomfortable to admit I'm Catholic and that I'm into my faith. Here, I know there's no way I can't not grow closer to God. This is the change I've needed for the last year and a half. I feel like I belong here. I kind of felt like I belonged at Xavier, but there was something missing. There was something missing in my life and now I've realized that it was God. I was not at a place where my faith was being nurtured. Here, they're main mission is to nurture each student's faith.

The theme for the 2009-2010 school year is Matthew 16:24, which says, "Whoever wished to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me." How crazy is that? That's totally what I've had to do. I had to deny all my fear about leaving Xavier and leaving my comfort zone. I had to take up my cross, which was definitely cutting and follow Him. I followed God's call away from Xavier and now I'm so happy. I know I've only been here for like 24 hours, but it feels right already. I can just tell.

Secrets and Regrets - Pillar

I heard this song for the first time a little while ago. I was driving home from my last physical therapy appointment (YAY!! lol) and I was about to change the station but something told me not to. I'm glad I didn't.



No matter how hard you try to
You can't make the clock rewind to
The moment that you lied to yourself
It never really mattered how they felt

Your secrets and regrets
Are keeping you from going very far
And you can't let all this get you down
And keep you living in the dark

'Cause all you're looking for is love
You're living in the dark
You just can't get enough
Your secrets and regrets

You're holding on this pain inside you
Can't seem to leave it all behind you
Tomorrow it'll be today soon
Don't wait until it's too late to move

Your secrets and regrets
Are keeping you from going very far
And you can't let all this get you down
And keep you living in the dark

'Cause all you're looking for is love
You're living in the dark
You just can't get enough
Your secrets and regrets

How many times do you need second chances?
Not everybody gets a another second chance
How many times do you need second chances?
Not everybody gets another second chance, second chance

Your secrets and regrets
Are keeping you from going very far
And you can't let all this get you down
And keep you living in the dark

'Cause all you're looking for is love
You're living in the dark
You just can't get enough
Your secrets and regrets

It's no more secrets, no regrets
It's no more secrets, no regrets
No living in the dark, no living in the dark
No living in the dark, no living in the dark

Music Speaks What Cannot Be Expressed

So if you couldn't already tell from all my other posts about songs, I'm really into music that expresses how I feel. I have a really hard time putting my feelings into words most of the time, and songs like "Fight Inside" by Red or "Cut" by Plumb really put some of my feelings into words. This quote describes it really well: "Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul." I've always been really into music. It's a rare occasion I'm not listening to music. Even right now, I'm listening to Lady Gaga. Haha. I don't like silence, so I think that's a big reason I've always got noise going on.

I heard a song as I was driving today. It's called "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets. It really got me thinking. I've been asking God to show me that things really are going to be okay. This song was pretty much the sign I was looking for.



Three in the morning
And I'm still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing
Just what I'd say
If we were face to face
I'd tell you just what you mean to me
I'd tell you these simple truths

Be strong in the Lord and
Never give up hope
You're going to do great things
I already know
God's got His hand on you so
Don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say

Last time we spoke
You said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart
I want to tell you
That I keep on praying
Love will find you where you are
I know cause I've already been there
So please hear these simple truths

Be strong in the Lord and
Never give up hope
You're going to do great things
I already know
God's got His hand on you so
Don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say

From one simple life to another
I will say
Come find peace in the Father

Be strong in the Lord and
Never give up hope
You're going to do great things
I already know
God's got His hand on you so
Don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
Thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say

The Size Of The Blade Doesn't Matter

Well, I did something REALLY stupid yesterday. I went and bought box cutter blades for the sole purpose of cutting myself with them. It was a huge lapse in judgement. I'm trying to figure out why the hell I did it. I was in a weird state of mind yesterday. It's like it wasn't me. I could have pretty easily killed myself with a box cutter blade. Those things are freakin' dangerous. I cut with them yesterday and got rid of them today. I took them to Fr. Robert a few hours ago. When he saw them, he was like "Are you kidding me? Catherine, these could have done some serious damage. What the hell were you thinking?" I almost showed him my left forearm, but didn't. No matter how big the blade is, serious emotional damage is done every time.

Now that I officially have no more blades in the house, I'm beginning to start freaking out. My coping mechanism is gone...completely gone. I've been cutting for almost 15 months now and all of the sudden, I've got nothing. I'm wondering if I'm really ready for this or not. I'm trying to believe that it's all going to be okay once I get to school. I'm trying to completely rely on God. I've prayed the prayer to St. Michael the Archangel a few times already when I can feel the impulses coming on. I'm praying that the impulses don't get so bad that I resort to a kitchen knife. Talk about doing some damage. I'm just trying to stay calm and not go insane.

I'm really trying to trust in this verse right now: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10

Why - Rascal Flatts

This is an incredible song by Rascal Flatts about suicide. Whenever I start to think about taking my own life, I put it on my iPod and turn it way up. It reminds me that life IS worth the fight.



It must have been a place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reaching for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd

Oh why, that's what keep I asking
Was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
God only knows what went wrong
and why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen as a 17-year-old
Rounding third to score the winning run
You always played with passion, no matter what the game
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun

Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh, I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
God only knows what went wrong
and why you would leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now the oak trees are swaying in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
Tangled thoughts I hear the mocking bird sing
This old world really ain't that bad a place

There's no comprehending and who am I to try judge or explain?
But I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasnt worth the fight?
They were wrong
They lied
Now your gone and we cry

It's just not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song