Uncertainty

I had another one of those "long nights" again the other night. I did everything I could to be distracted. I watched a movie, read a bunch of a book, but I just couldn't get the feelings to go away. So, once the tears started, I sat on my floor and cried to Jesus...a lot...telling Him I couldn't do this anymore and that I felt so alone. I told him how much I missed my baby brother and that I wished he was here. I then had an image in my head of the Blessed Mother holding Patrick, she looked at me and said that she had him and he was praying for me. I'm sitting here tearing up just thinking about it. It was beautiful. I begged for His presence to come to me, and after a little while, it did. The tears slowed down and this peace came over me. I knew Jesus was with me.

I’m usually okay with not having a boyfriend (especially when my job as a missionary means I live in Romania most of the year), but every couple months or so I get this overwhelming sense of wanting to love and be loved. It’s not that I’m not satisfied with God’s companionship, but I’m human. I long for human love. I’m almost 23 and friends are getting married and starting to have kids. I can’t help but want that for myself. I know that as the director of the new orphanage, I’m going to be the mom to 10 Romanian orphans in the next couple years, but that’s not quite the same as having my own kids with my husband. I know it's all in His time, but I'm human. It's that simple. 

There is just so much uncertainty in my life right now, which I was hoping that some of  it would be resolved when I went to the orthopedic on Monday to get the results of the MRI on my shoulder, but all he said is that it's a waiting game. I hurt my shoulder the last week I was in Romania and had it looked at the first week of January. Finally I got the MRI results, and when I was hoping for answers, I really got nothing. I have capsulitis in one of the tendons from when I hurt it. I've not gotten 2 cortisone shots, had a month of physical therapy, and nothing. Still an insane amount of pain. The doctor said it could hurt for up to a year, so going back to Romania has been put on hold until I can get enough strength back in my shoulder to be able to pick up kids. There is no way I could pick up any kids right now. Not a chance. And of course, it's my right shoulder, making it all even harder. So, I'm aiming for the middle or end of March. But, if it's not God's time, then it's not time for me to go back yet.

Actually, starting about 3 weeks ago, I began feeling SUPER anxious about going back to Romania and I finally was able to talk to my parents about it on Sunday. They both said that I need to trust my gut and that there is a reason then that I'm not going back when I had planned on it. So, that's where things are at.

I'm asking for continued prayers. I can only take so much of what's going on right now. Uncertainty has ALWAYS been something I struggle with, and now this new increased uncertainty is bothering me a lot. I talked to Fr. Remus and he said not to worry about it, that I need to get healthy first, but still.

On the good news side of things, I have raised $4,600 of the $10,000 I want to go back to Romania with so that we can start construction. Almost halfway there!! It's awesome. If you can donate even the tiniest amount, please consider doing so. You can go here at donate: https://www.egsnetwork.com/gift/gift.php?giftid=F7E26965-8FDC-4418-863E-EF472F4950E9.  I'm not kidding when I say that money goes a LONG way in Romania. We are able to build a 3,000 sq. ft. house for 10 kids for an estimated $65,000. Please consider helping me out. It's a big task for one 22-year-old to take on. But more importantly, I need prayers for this mission. It doesn't work without prayers.