I had a counseling appointment today and it went pretty well. There were a few tears, but hey, tears are a good thing for me. Joe asked me about my relationship with God and I told him it was rocky and he asked why. I explained to him that I don't blame God for this, but I just wish He would give me a break (I feel like crap is just constantly being thrown at me, so I don't even have time to breathe). Joe said exactly what Fr. Greg has told me many times. I continue to pray and go to God, even in His silence or His allowing me to suffer. Joe said that is true faith. And for the first time today I realized he and Fr. Greg are right. I've gone through SO MUCH SHIT the last 3 1/2 years of my life, but I've never said, "Screw you, God." Well, I have out of anger, but I've never quit on God. And therefore, He hasn't quit on me. And even though I am a broken mess of a human being, I know that God deserves so much praise, not for what He's done, but for who He is. I haven't cut in 124 days, but my depression is almost crippling right now. But despite that, I muster up everything I have and praise Him through the crap.
I recently found this INCREDIBLE Christian music album called "Music Inspired by the Story" and it's songs by famous Christian artists all pretty much directly from Scripture. It is some of the best music I've ever heard. I am able to pray with it and meditate on the stories in which the songs are written about and dang, it's beautiful. I would definitely recommend getting it.
This song is beautiful. It is the story of Job and in listening to it, it hits home. A lot. I wonder a lot about why the God of the ENTIRE universe would wanna mess with me, a broken college kid. And then He reminds me that He made me good and He loves me.
No matter what I've gone through, I have kept my faith. And yeah, when crap happens I might get mad at Him, but NEVER will I decide I don't want Him anymore. Ever.
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