138 Days

I don't want to fight anymore. I am worn down and all I want to do is cut. It's been 138 days since the last time I cut and the days are only getting harder. I'm tired. I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like God's cast me aside to deal with this on my own. I'm slowly cracking. The one thing that had given me a little bit of hope can't happen. The depression controls me and I don't want to deal with it anymore. I want to run away from it all, but I can't. I can't get out of my own head. What do I do at 2am when all the lies are running through my head and the Enemy is screaming at me to pick up the blade? I cry out to God from the depths of my soul and He stays silent. I've never felt so alone. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being me. How can I ever be a decent missionary like this? Maybe I shouldn't go to Romania. Those kids deserve someone better than me. They deserve someone who can take really good care of them. And that's not me.

Exactly how I'm feeling right now:

"Set Me Free" - Casting Crowns
It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains

Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away

Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am...