St. Simon of Cyrene

So, I went to Confession to Fr. Rick last night and I let it all out. I admitted to him that I'd started cutting on my wrists and that one night this week I cut on my wrists with the mentality of if it killed me, it was supposed to happen that way. I think that kind of freaked him out. Fr. Rick's trying so hard to understand how in the world I can think like that. It's hard for someone who's never taken a blade to their skin and made themselves bleed to understand. Fr. Rick is trying really hard to understand, and I appreciate that SO much, but it's still hard.

He kinda gave me a reality check. This is kinda graphic, but it's exactly what he told me. I was talking about how I was ready to quit and he asked me if I really wanted someone, like one of my friends, to find me in a pool of my own blood. I told him of course not. That's one thing that has kept me from actually going through with it (I do have suicide thoughts sometimes). I can't imagine someone finding my body somewhere. I just can't handle that.

He reminded me that I'm not alone. He said that I'm definitely not the only one dealing with this, which trust me, I know. It's hard because it's still such a taboo thing, even though it's actually really common. Fr. Rick told me that if I was on his end of Confession, I'd be shocked. He then said something that has never even entered my mind in the last 3 years. He reminded me that even Jesus needed help carrying the Cross. St. Simon of Cyrene was pulled from the crowd to help Christ carry the Cross. Well, I sure as hell am not Jesus, so I definitely need someone to help me. He asked me who here on campus knows about it. Fr. Rick, Joe (my counselor), and my friend Nicki knew as of Confession. He asked me if there was anyone here who I could tell, who would it be. I said my friend Joey, because he knows all of everything from last summer. So, Fr. Rick made my penance to pray for the courage to tell Joey about it and ask for help. So, I did. Joey actually brought it up in the car on the way back to my apartment last night. He was just like "Hey...that stuff from last summer...how's that going?" So, I told him that I had stopped in Austria and now I was struggling with it again. So, I think I may have found my Simon of Cyrene. I'm really hoping that Joey is the person that I can share my burden with.

Everything that was said by Fr. Rick last night was a confirmation of what Joe told me in counseling yesterday. He asked me what I needed the most when I was about to cut, and I told him that usually because I feel so alone, that I need people. Joe said that not only do I need other people, but I need to be loved by those people. Usually I would go to Fr. Greg for that, but because I'm still feeling like such a burden, I've backed off talking to him right now. I know he's worried, but I just can't handle being that burden to him anymore. So, I'm still working on finding the people who I can pretty much run to when I'm wanting to cut. Right now, Joey's going to be that person. I have a lot of people I could go to, but I can't handle feeling like a burden to anyone anymore, so that's why my prayer for right now is that he would bring people into my life that I can go to when I need people and not feel like such a burden.