I’m so weak. I let the enemy beat me tonight. I took his attack and listened to the lies: I’m worthless, I’m a hypocrite, I wouldn’t be a good missionary, no one REALLY loves me, no man will ever love me because of the scars covering my arm and legs, etc. I let the enemy win. I didn’t even put up a fight. I just let the lies in and believed them. I’m a hypocrite because I’m always talking about finding peace in Christ and healing in Him, when by cutting, I’m saying that I don’t trust in Christ and in His love for me. I’m always telling people not to give up and stay strong, and here I am, giving up and being weak.
Tonight, as I watched the blood leave the cuts I made on my leg, which were actually pretty deep, and drip into the bathtub, I felt like I was watching life leave my body. I took a sick pleasure in it.
Now, my leg hurts like you wouldn't fucking believe. At least I can actually feel something. I know I'm alive.
God, I'm so screwed up.
P.S. - Sorry for the profanity.
You are strong, beautiful, and a phenomenal person. I love you more than you know! Remember, the battle is already won. Keep that head up beautiful.
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