If you know me at all, you know that one of my favorite bands of all time is Tenth Avenue North. I saw them first after they just put out their first album and were on tour with Santus Real. I was blessed to meet the lead singer and be able to tell him how their music has gotten me through some rough nights. In the last 4 years, they've become huge. Their latest album has an AMAZING song on it called "Worn" and talk about a song being a personal prayer. I feel like that song is the prayers I've said to God from the very depths of my soul on many hard nights. They recently put out the music video for that song and it's beautiful. You can watch it here: http://youtu.be/zulKcYItKIA (I can't get it to embed correctly. Sorry)
I'm tired, I'm worn.
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let me hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world.
I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn.
I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn.
My prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn
Even before the day begins
I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So Heave, come and flood my eyes
I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause all that's dead inside can be reborn
Though I'm worn.
_______
And I just realized as I'm writing this, that I am 15 months cut-free today. Praise God! He's so good!
Pray for me. Surgery is on Thursday.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Shoulder Surgery
I miss my kids. I just want to be in Romania.
And now I won't be back in Romania until June. I have to have shoulder surgery next Thursday and I'm not excited. It came from an injury that happened 4 days before I left Romania. I did everything I could do avoid surgery: 6 weeks of physical therapy, 2 cortisone shots, 2 months of anti-inflammatory meds, and 1 steroid. I was supposed to go back at the end of March, but then the other day my shoulder popped funny and the pain intensified to the point where I could hardly take it. After a night of no sleep, I called the orthopedic and saw him Friday, and we decided surgery was all that we could do to fix this.
I'm trying so hard to look at this with eyes of faith. It's WAY easier said than done. I'm trying to believe God has a reason for me to be here. What it is, I have no freakin' clue right now. But, I'm here and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.
Say some prayers for me. I miss my kids insanely and this shoulder thing is causing lots of problems too.
And now I won't be back in Romania until June. I have to have shoulder surgery next Thursday and I'm not excited. It came from an injury that happened 4 days before I left Romania. I did everything I could do avoid surgery: 6 weeks of physical therapy, 2 cortisone shots, 2 months of anti-inflammatory meds, and 1 steroid. I was supposed to go back at the end of March, but then the other day my shoulder popped funny and the pain intensified to the point where I could hardly take it. After a night of no sleep, I called the orthopedic and saw him Friday, and we decided surgery was all that we could do to fix this.
I'm trying so hard to look at this with eyes of faith. It's WAY easier said than done. I'm trying to believe God has a reason for me to be here. What it is, I have no freakin' clue right now. But, I'm here and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.
Say some prayers for me. I miss my kids insanely and this shoulder thing is causing lots of problems too.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Uncertainty
I had another one of those "long nights" again the other night. I did everything I could to be distracted. I watched a movie, read a bunch of a book, but I just couldn't get the feelings to go away. So, once the tears started, I sat on my floor and cried to Jesus...a lot...telling Him I couldn't do this anymore and that I felt so alone. I told him how much I missed my baby brother and that I wished he was here. I then had an image in my head of the Blessed Mother holding Patrick, she looked at me and said that she had him and he was praying for me. I'm sitting here tearing up just thinking about it. It was beautiful. I begged for His presence to come to me, and after a little while, it did. The tears slowed down and this peace came over me. I knew Jesus was with me.
There is just so much uncertainty in my life right now, which I was hoping that some of it would be resolved when I went to the orthopedic on Monday to get the results of the MRI on my shoulder, but all he said is that it's a waiting game. I hurt my shoulder the last week I was in Romania and had it looked at the first week of January. Finally I got the MRI results, and when I was hoping for answers, I really got nothing. I have capsulitis in one of the tendons from when I hurt it. I've not gotten 2 cortisone shots, had a month of physical therapy, and nothing. Still an insane amount of pain. The doctor said it could hurt for up to a year, so going back to Romania has been put on hold until I can get enough strength back in my shoulder to be able to pick up kids. There is no way I could pick up any kids right now. Not a chance. And of course, it's my right shoulder, making it all even harder. So, I'm aiming for the middle or end of March. But, if it's not God's time, then it's not time for me to go back yet.
Actually, starting about 3 weeks ago, I began feeling SUPER anxious about going back to Romania and I finally was able to talk to my parents about it on Sunday. They both said that I need to trust my gut and that there is a reason then that I'm not going back when I had planned on it. So, that's where things are at.
I'm asking for continued prayers. I can only take so much of what's going on right now. Uncertainty has ALWAYS been something I struggle with, and now this new increased uncertainty is bothering me a lot. I talked to Fr. Remus and he said not to worry about it, that I need to get healthy first, but still.
On the good news side of things, I have raised $4,600 of the $10,000 I want to go back to Romania with so that we can start construction. Almost halfway there!! It's awesome. If you can donate even the tiniest amount, please consider doing so. You can go here at donate: https://www.egsnetwork.com/gift/gift.php?giftid=F7E26965-8FDC-4418-863E-EF472F4950E9. I'm not kidding when I say that money goes a LONG way in Romania. We are able to build a 3,000 sq. ft. house for 10 kids for an estimated $65,000. Please consider helping me out. It's a big task for one 22-year-old to take on. But more importantly, I need prayers for this mission. It doesn't work without prayers.
I’m usually okay with not having a boyfriend (especially when my job as a missionary means I live in Romania most of the year), but every couple months or so I get this overwhelming sense of wanting to love and be loved. It’s not that I’m not satisfied with God’s companionship, but I’m human. I long for human love. I’m almost 23 and friends are getting married and starting to have kids. I can’t help but want that for myself. I know that as the director of the new orphanage, I’m going to be the mom to 10 Romanian orphans in the next couple years, but that’s not quite the same as having my own kids with my husband. I know it's all in His time, but I'm human. It's that simple.
There is just so much uncertainty in my life right now, which I was hoping that some of it would be resolved when I went to the orthopedic on Monday to get the results of the MRI on my shoulder, but all he said is that it's a waiting game. I hurt my shoulder the last week I was in Romania and had it looked at the first week of January. Finally I got the MRI results, and when I was hoping for answers, I really got nothing. I have capsulitis in one of the tendons from when I hurt it. I've not gotten 2 cortisone shots, had a month of physical therapy, and nothing. Still an insane amount of pain. The doctor said it could hurt for up to a year, so going back to Romania has been put on hold until I can get enough strength back in my shoulder to be able to pick up kids. There is no way I could pick up any kids right now. Not a chance. And of course, it's my right shoulder, making it all even harder. So, I'm aiming for the middle or end of March. But, if it's not God's time, then it's not time for me to go back yet.
Actually, starting about 3 weeks ago, I began feeling SUPER anxious about going back to Romania and I finally was able to talk to my parents about it on Sunday. They both said that I need to trust my gut and that there is a reason then that I'm not going back when I had planned on it. So, that's where things are at.
I'm asking for continued prayers. I can only take so much of what's going on right now. Uncertainty has ALWAYS been something I struggle with, and now this new increased uncertainty is bothering me a lot. I talked to Fr. Remus and he said not to worry about it, that I need to get healthy first, but still.
On the good news side of things, I have raised $4,600 of the $10,000 I want to go back to Romania with so that we can start construction. Almost halfway there!! It's awesome. If you can donate even the tiniest amount, please consider doing so. You can go here at donate: https://www.egsnetwork.com/gift/gift.php?giftid=F7E26965-8FDC-4418-863E-EF472F4950E9. I'm not kidding when I say that money goes a LONG way in Romania. We are able to build a 3,000 sq. ft. house for 10 kids for an estimated $65,000. Please consider helping me out. It's a big task for one 22-year-old to take on. But more importantly, I need prayers for this mission. It doesn't work without prayers.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
A Long Night
I’m hurting. A lot. For many, many reasons. I’m in a really rough spot with my depression and have been for a while now. Last night was the first time I cried myself to sleep in a very long time. I was sobbing, crying out to Jesus from the depths of my soul. I’m tired of pretending to be okay and be strong. My relationship with God sucks right now and has for the last couple months. I don’t want to pray, I don’t want to go to Mass. In fact, most of the time I don’t want anything do to with Him.
The tears were caused by many things. Not being in Romania is one reason. Being triggered by something I saw on Pinterest is another thing(It's funny. I get triggered everytime I'm on there. Maybe I just shouldn't go on there anymore). I haven't reached out to anyone to talk about stuff in a while. I think that's a big part of it. I really don't have any friends I feel like I can really trust with my whole heart here at home. That being said, I miss my Franciscan friends horribly. I know where my dad keeps the utility blades now. He's out of town for a couple days, so the blades won't be moving. I know when he gets back I can ask him to move them, but just knowing they're sitting there is driving me insane right now. There are A LOT of other things going on right now, but I'm not going to get into them.
I don’t need lecturing. I don’t need criticism. I don’t need preaching to. I need love, but most especially prayers.
I went to my little brother's grave for the first time in like 10 years today. Last night, in my prayer, God showed me that I needed to go. I've been meaning to go for a while, but just never did. Everyday, I wish he was still here. I never got to meet him. My heart aches for him a lot. This morning, it was freezing cold as I walked through the cemetery. It took me a few minutes to find his grave, but once I did, I fell on my knees and just started crying. I talked to him. I said things I have needed to say to him for years. I said things I have needed to say to God for a long time. After 20 minutes of crying and praying in the cold, I got back in the car. As I turned on the engine, "By Your Side" by Tenth Ave North came on the radio. I started crying again. All the tears were healing tears. I'm really glad I went to the cemetery.
Healing is not an instantaneous, unless God will that it is. My healing is a process. Please pray that I can continue to persevere and be strong.
Sorry this is so insanely all over the place.
I went to my little brother's grave for the first time in like 10 years today. Last night, in my prayer, God showed me that I needed to go. I've been meaning to go for a while, but just never did. Everyday, I wish he was still here. I never got to meet him. My heart aches for him a lot. This morning, it was freezing cold as I walked through the cemetery. It took me a few minutes to find his grave, but once I did, I fell on my knees and just started crying. I talked to him. I said things I have needed to say to him for years. I said things I have needed to say to God for a long time. After 20 minutes of crying and praying in the cold, I got back in the car. As I turned on the engine, "By Your Side" by Tenth Ave North came on the radio. I started crying again. All the tears were healing tears. I'm really glad I went to the cemetery.
Healing is not an instantaneous, unless God will that it is. My healing is a process. Please pray that I can continue to persevere and be strong.
Sorry this is so insanely all over the place.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
A Post By Megan
First of all, Merry Christmas. It's 7am here in Ohio and I'm still slightly jet lagged, so that's why I am awake. We agreed that we'd get up at 8:30 to do gifts, so I have to wait. Hahaha. May the newborn Christ child bring you hope, joy, and especially peace.
I want to share with you a blog post written by one of the WONDERFUL students that came on mission to Romania in October. Her name is Megan and I am so blessed to have been able to share my love of Romania with someone like her. She is a student at Belmont Abbey College and transferred to Franciscan just for the semester so that she could study abroad in Austria. She is someone with an amazing heart. Check out her blog post about her experience on mission in Romania:
http://createdforhim3.blogspot.com/2012/12/romania.html
Megan had a similar experience to what I had, but it was in my experience that I found my calling to missionary life. I'd never been on a mission trip before and actually, I had no idea where Romania was. I agreed to go before I even looked at a map to find it. I cannot be more grateful to God for His leading me to Romania in April 2011 and His guidance in establishing a permanent mission in Romania and now - the new orphanage! It was while in Romania that I found my purpose in life. I knew God created me to love on these babies for more than just a week while on a mission trip. He has called me to this for at least the next few years.
I want to share with you a blog post written by one of the WONDERFUL students that came on mission to Romania in October. Her name is Megan and I am so blessed to have been able to share my love of Romania with someone like her. She is a student at Belmont Abbey College and transferred to Franciscan just for the semester so that she could study abroad in Austria. She is someone with an amazing heart. Check out her blog post about her experience on mission in Romania:
http://createdforhim3.blogspot.com/2012/12/romania.html
Megan had a similar experience to what I had, but it was in my experience that I found my calling to missionary life. I'd never been on a mission trip before and actually, I had no idea where Romania was. I agreed to go before I even looked at a map to find it. I cannot be more grateful to God for His leading me to Romania in April 2011 and His guidance in establishing a permanent mission in Romania and now - the new orphanage! It was while in Romania that I found my purpose in life. I knew God created me to love on these babies for more than just a week while on a mission trip. He has called me to this for at least the next few years.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
My Heart Hurts
The only way to describe what's going on right now is to say that my heart hurts. There is so many things that my heart is just breaking over right now.
I leave Romania in a mere 2 weeks. I will only be in the States for like 2 months, but I don't want to go home. I feel like I'm doing something good with my life here. At home...not so much. I'm going to be doing fundraising for the new orphanage, but still. It's gonna be hard not being with the kids.
I just finished this AWESOME book called "Redeeming Love" that was recommended to me by someone in Austria. It took me 4 days to read the whole book. It's a novel based on the story of the prophet Hosea, and seriously. Every single person should read it. But, in reading it, it put an even worse longing in my heart for the spousal love that I finding myself longing for. It's ridiculous. I've never felt such a desire for that love before, but it's there. Maybe it's God reminding me how much I need him. I don't know. It's just got me down. Reminds me of some Tenth Ave. lyrics: "Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?" '
Still struggling with the urge to cut, but hanging strong. 13 days from now, I will be one year clean.
I leave Romania in a mere 2 weeks. I will only be in the States for like 2 months, but I don't want to go home. I feel like I'm doing something good with my life here. At home...not so much. I'm going to be doing fundraising for the new orphanage, but still. It's gonna be hard not being with the kids.
I just finished this AWESOME book called "Redeeming Love" that was recommended to me by someone in Austria. It took me 4 days to read the whole book. It's a novel based on the story of the prophet Hosea, and seriously. Every single person should read it. But, in reading it, it put an even worse longing in my heart for the spousal love that I finding myself longing for. It's ridiculous. I've never felt such a desire for that love before, but it's there. Maybe it's God reminding me how much I need him. I don't know. It's just got me down. Reminds me of some Tenth Ave. lyrics: "Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?" '
Still struggling with the urge to cut, but hanging strong. 13 days from now, I will be one year clean.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
A Weird Spot
Not really feeling like explaining in detail what's going on, but everything that could be going wrong seems to be doing just that. I miss my ex like crazy (which that relationship was SO unhealthy it’s not even funny), my depression’s coming back hardcore, the urge to self-injure has returned too. It’s bad. And after a 3-hour talk and cry session with one of the Franciscan priests at FUS’ campus in Austria, he told me that if things get worse than they are, I need to end my mission work early and go home because I have absolutely no resources here.
I don’t want to go home early. At least here in Romania I feel like I’m doing something positive with my life. If I go home...well, it's not gonna end well. Please just pray I can make it through the next couple weeks.
Tenth Ave North’s lyrics seem to be a pretty good fit for how I’m feeling: “I’m tired. I’m worn. My heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve let my hope fail. My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world. And I know that you can give me rest, so I cry out with all that I have left: Let me see Redemption win, let me know the struggle ends, that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn. I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life and all that’s dead inside can be reborn ‘cause I’m worn.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)