Moved By Mercy - Matthew West

This song...So good. It's amazing how much this song is my prayer so much of the time and how the Lord always responds this way.

Life in Romania isn't 100% dandy all the time. I have had the Lord show me things that hurt my heart to the point of tears. I have heard stories of the terrors of Communism in this place. I have also had the enemy try to take me back to where I used to be. I'm not 100% better. I stopped cutting 9 1/2 months ago, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it or that the urge is gone. It also doesn't mean the lies don't run rampant in my head at night. They do. I am better than I one was, but I still have a long way to go. I long for the day when I truly believe the lies are lies and that I am worthy to be loved because the Lord made me worthy. But right now, the Lord is using me to love his children who were abandoned by the people He gave them to. So, it's not about me and my shit. It's about the kids at the orphanage and the people in the parish that I minister to.

Lord, let my heart be moved by mercy.

She said “I keep having the same dream 

Close my eyes and I’m chasing a younger me 

Try to wrap my arms around her 

Shield her from the hell that found her 

But I’m always just a little too late 

I see the tears falling down her face 

How come no one protected 

The little girl that the world rejected” 

Oh, where do you go when you can’t go back 

Can’t save the past 

And she cries in the middle of the night 

“Take me far away now 

From this broken place now 

Somewhere they can’t hurt me 

I wanna be moved by Mercy 

Jesus, I can’t see You 

I just know I need You

Help me start a new life 

Let my heart be moved by Mercy” 

“I used to be a future burning bright 

Now I’m just another sleepless night” 

All the hurt that you hide behind that door 

I’m not gonna let it hurt you anymore 

“For so long I thought You abandoned me 

Now I’m starting to see things differently” 

I’m the one who began a good work in you 

And I’m the one who is gonna see it through 

I’ll see you through 

“Take me far away now 

From this broken place now 

Somewhere they can’t hurt me 

I wanna be moved by Mercy 

Jesus, I can’t see You 

I just know I need You

Help me start a new life 

Let my heart be moved by Mercy”

For so long I felt so unworthy 

But in My arms all your shame is moved by mercy 

So here I stand, a child undeserving 

Take My hand and let your life be moved by mercy

“Take me far away now (I'll take you far away)

From this broken place now (From every broken place)

Somewhere they can’t hurt me 

I wanna be moved by Mercy 

Jesus, I can’t see You (I'm watching over you)

I just know I need You (I'm gonna carry you)

Help me start a new life 

Let my heart be moved by Mercy”

Quick Update

Life is very blessed here in Romania. Being a missionary is amazing. The kids at the orphanage are incredible and it's all just SO good! I've had my hard times here, but I am doing what God wants me to do, so I know He's got my back. 

The best place to keep up to date with my time here is my Romania blog. 

www.doawesomethingsromania.blogspot.com

Radio Maria Interview

I am safe and sound in Romania. Things here are amazing and super blessed. Please check out my other blog for more life updates.

Here is the link to my Radio Maria interview 2 weeks ago. I had a great time with Mark and sharing my story. This was something I did not to glorify myself or what I am doing. It was to glorify God for all that He has done in my life.

http://radiomaria.us/crossroads/2012/08/07/august-7-2012-catherine-england/

Romania blog

My new life as a permanent missionary in Romania begins in just a few days. I will be trying to post on my missionary blog once every week or so. I don't know how often I'll be able to update this one, so please make sure you check that blog out. That's where my life updates will be.

www.doawesomethingsromania.blogspot.com

The End of a Chapter

Well, I'm back home. I officially have my degree after having to take one last class and I am leaving for Romania in TEN DAYS!!!

*On Tuesday night (8/7) at 7pm EST, I will be interviewed on a national Catholic radio station. You can listen online at www.radiomaria.us. I will also post the link once it's recorded so if you can't listen to it live, you can hear it there.

My relationship with the Lord had been pretty much shit after Tyler died. I was super upset. I was beginning to question EVERYTHING. I didn't know why God chose me to go to Romania. I was afraid I was gonna fail at this whole missionary thing.

It all started last Sunday. Last Sunday, Fr. Dominic's homily was about the Gospel, which was the Miracle of the Feeding of the 5,000. Most of the time, the priest preaches about the Eucharist. This time, Fr. Dominic talked about the boy who had the 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread that Jesus multiplied. I RARELY remember homilies, but this one, I won't ever forget. He spoke about how that boy left his home that day never in a million years thinking that he would be used in one of the greatest miracles of Jesus' public ministry. He was just a regular kid. But he had what Christ needed. Fr. Dominic said to conclude the homily "You are enough" and left it at that. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

On Tuesday, I went to Confession with Fr. Shawn. I first met Fr. Shawn on a retreat in February. He was assigned to Franciscan and has been in Steubenville. I went to Confession 4 times to him this summer. He reminds me a lot of Fr. Rick. He is super compassionate and was extremely encouraging. Because my relationship with God had been so messed up, I was confessing doing the same crap. He caught onto that 2 weeks ago. When I went to Confession this past Tuesday, he was like "Tell me what's really going on with you." I asked him if he REALLY wanted to know. He said yes, so I spilled my guts. It then somehow came up that I was going to Romania in a couple weeks. He asked me if I really was ready for that. I said that I was and he asked me if I'd talk to him once before I left. I agreed.

On Thursday, I had my meeting with Fr. Shawn. He wanted to know more about me and this whole Romania thing. I told him about my past and my time at Franciscan. He asked about my mission stuff and at the end he said "In Confession, we see the worst of people. Because I didn't really know much about you, when you said you were leaving, I thought that was a bad idea. Now, I know this is the Lord's will for you and you must go. You have a beautiful heart and you are an amazing woman. You will change Romania." My heart was so at peace after he said that.

On Friday, I had my last spiritual direction with Fr. Brad. We talked, he said that I would be fine, and then as he was praying over me, he received a word from the Lord. The Lord said "I will be with you and my angels will walk with you every step of the way. You are doing my will and I am so proud. Know my love for you and be at peace in My love." To hear those words, I know I will never have a doubt about doing missionary work.

Then on Friday night, my friends Jose, Josh, Collin, Brian, and Craig came into Steubenville. So, we got even more people together and went out to the Hofbrauhaus in Pittsburgh to celebrate my finishing school and Jose being accepted to seminary. It was amazing to have some of my closest friends to celebrate with.

Just a few of the amazing people I celebrated with

To top off an amazing week, as I was packing on Saturday, I was finally able to do something I didn't think I would be able to. I threw away every single one of my blades. It was crazy. I saw them when I was getting books of a shelf. I picked them up, looked at them, and just threw them away. Fr. Greg was constantly encouraging me to get rid of them. I texted him yesterday when I did. This was his response.

I am 236 days clean. A week from today, I will be 8 months cut-free.

This last week has been amazingly blessed and I'm finally back on the right track with the Lord. And I am so happy about that.

Steady my Heart - Kari Jobe

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much


But You're here
You're real
I know I can trust You


Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart 


I'm not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan


And I will run to You
You're my refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are


You steady my heart

Super Angry Rant

I swear to you, if another person tells me that I shouldn't feel the way I do because nothing super devastating has ever really happened in my life, I’m going to shake them so hard that their brain is liquid by the time I’m done.

I’m sorry that I have depression that’s based on my brain chemistry (It's genetic. My mom and brother both have depression) and is then affected by life events. I've dealt with it for 9 years and never have had any real relief from it. No medication has helped. Ever. And it’s taken 5 different counselors for me to find one I like and for him to actually be able to help me. 

I may have a theology degree from Franciscan, but my life is far from fucking perfect and my relationship with God isn't any good. Life is not all fine and dandy just because I go here. In fact, it’s harder because instead of getting shitfaced drunk all the time like I was at Xavier, I’m dealing with my shit the right way.

I’m sorry that you think that you think the fact that I cut myself for 3 1/2 years was me being over dramatic. Until the day you put a blade to your skin and make yourself bleed to make the emotional pain go away, don’t even begin to fucking judge me. You have no idea how much pain you have to be in to do that to yourself. And I’m not talking just once. I’m talking multiple times a day for years. And even though I haven’t cut in 223 days, I still have the urge to cut. EVERY.SINGLE.FUCKING.DAY! You think that’s me being over dramatic? Do you realize that if I wrote down for you what goes through my head every night, you’d be horrified? Do you realize that I think I am a complete piece of shit and that no one can ever actually love me? Do you realize that I believe I am a total failure of a human being?

Do you REALLY think I want to be like this? I would do anything to get the tiniest bit of relief from this darkness that’s hung over me for the last 9 years. I don’t even know what being happy means anymore.

Spend one night in my head and you’d crack. I’ve been doing it for 9 years. Don’t tell me I’m weak. Don’t you even start to judge me. Fuck off.

The end.