An Image I'll Never Forget

Last night, we had prayer group like we do every Tuesday. Well, what happened was something I’ve never had happen before. As usual, we did praise and worship and then my friend Jose did a teaching about friends and how the wrong group of friends can lead you down the wrong path, etc. Of course we all know that by know. Heck, we’re juniors in college. But this was different. This wasn’t about peer pressure and that kinda stuff. It was about how the wrong group of people can hurt your faith. Honestly, that’s becoming a worry in my mind right now because I’m going home to the U.S. in a little over 2 weeks and my two best friends back home don’t care about their faith. My best friend of 16 years, Gabbie, renounced the faith when she was in high school, but comes from a legit Catholic family. My best guy friend Sam is gay and lives with his boyfriend (The Catholic Church’s teaching on homosexuality is not why I feel like I can’t be me around him. Love the sinner, hate the sin). It’s hard for me because when I’m around them, I feel like I can’t totally be myself. I wish I could. I think that’s part of why going home is always so hard for me. I don’t have really any friends in Cincinnati who are hardcore Catholic. There are a few, but none of them are like my friends here at Franciscan. People with faith like Franciscan students seem to be pretty few. So, I’ve been praying a lot about how to approach the subject with both of them when I get home, so Jose’s teaching on it tonight was PERFECT. Praise the Lord.

After Jose’s teaching, there was the opportunity to get prayed over as usual. For some reason, I didn’t go up. I stayed in my chair and prayed. Then, the Lord gave me an image (which with some discernment, Fr. Brad confirmed for me after was from the Lord). It was not a vision. It was just a picture in my head that the Lord showed me. While in prayer, I saw Christ. I saw on Him a cut every single place I’d ever cut. It was gut-wrenching to see. There He was, the One who loves me more than any human person ever could, and I had put every single one of those cuts on Him when I cut myself.  Then, the Lord showed me something else. First, I saw a close up of Christ’s leg. It looked very muscular, but on His upper legs were the EXACT same scars I have, except His weren’t scars. His were bleeding. Then, I saw Christ on the Cross. I saw His hand with the nail in it, but His wrists were bleeding. Not from His crucifixion, but from my cutting (I used to cut on my wrists a long time ago).  Fr. Brad and I talked about it after and he reminded me how Christ took on every single thing I ever did to myself. This makes me not want to cut even more. Then he said something that he said in a homily a while ago. Fr. Brad said, “When you doubt His love for you, look at the Cross. He hasn’t changed His mind.”

I’ve changed A LOT this semester. I no longer have the desire to cut. The temptation is there, but I don’t feel like I have to do it anymore. Fr. Brad actually kind of threw a bombshell on me last week. He told me that he’s pretty sure I got a deliverance at some point. I would agree with that. I’m not exactly sure when, but the baptism of the Holy Spirit doesn’t happen when someone needs deliverance. Yeah, it’s kinda scary to think about, but it’s true. There’s a reason that my cutting couldn’t be fixed by medication of after 5 counselor and having the most incredible priests in my life. But, I’ll admit that I have cut once in the last 6 weeks. It was because the temptation, not the desire. I admitted it to Fr. Brad on Monday and he told me that I have been given a new life and this is where the decision had to be made: I can go back to the old ways and be beyond miserable again, or I can claim my healing and live my new life. I definitely chose the second one. I don’t want to go back to that miserable person. I talked to Fr. Greg on the phone the other night and he could tell that something had changed. He said that he could actually hear a difference in my voice. Fr. Brad said that since the deliverance (whenever it was), that I carry myself differently. He also said I speak and even my eyes look different. Well, I’m totally okay with that because it means that the Lord is on my side. I’m staying on the right path. I’m no longer Catherine, the cutter, the screw up. I’m Catherine, a precious daughter of the God Most High, who was bought at a price: the life of His dearly Beloved Son, Jesus Christ.

“You were bought with a price…” -1 Corinthians 7:23

I’m leaving tonight to spend Easter in Rome. We have tickets for the Easter Vigil at the Vatican, which I’m so beyond excited about. There’s even a chance that we will get to meet the Holy Father, which would make me SO happy, but if it’s not God’s will, that’s totally fine. The ability to spend the Triduum in Rome is just another blessing that the Lord’s just pouring out on me! Follow His Word and apply it to your life and it will change EVERYTHING. Trust me.

Have a blessed Triduum. Rest in Him (Matthew 11:28).

The Baptism in the Holy Spirit

God is so good to me! All kinds of craziness happened last night. Here in Austria, Fr. Brad has a prayer group every Tuesday where we do praise and worship, a teaching, then prayer ministry (praying over people). The teachings the last few weeks have been all about healing and the healing of my heart came from the services we had about that. Last night, we talked more about physical healing and I received healing in my foot. I fell down some stairs a few weeks ago and it kinda messed up my left ankle. I had surgery on my left ankle about a year and a half ago. Ever since I fell down the steps, there's been this kind of ache in my ankle, so I asked Fr. Brad if he could pray over it. He did, and it doesn't hurt anymore!! Praise be to God!!

That's not the only thing that happened last night. I received something I've been wanting for a long time. Last night, I was baptized in the Holy Spirit. The extremely simple way to explain what Baptism of the Holy Spirit is a deepening of the Spirit within someone. Usually when someone is Baptized in the Spirit, they receive a gift of the Spirit. Well, last night, I got one. I received the gift of tongues and I was INCREDIBLE! It started when Fr. Brad was praying over me and he asked me if I wanted the Baptism in the Holy Spirit. I said yes and he said, "Well, prepare yourself because God's gonna give it to you!" Then he asked if I wanted the gift of tongues, I again said yes and he began explaining to me how it was going to happen. He started speaking in tongues (his dialect is ancient Chinese, which is SWEET!!) and told me to repeat what he says, each time getting a little faster. As I repeated what Fr. Brad said, I had my hands open and then I literally felt the anointing of the Spirit. It was physically heavy and Fr. Brad started laughing because he was so happy and then he told me that his knees went weak. He asked me if I could feel it and I smiled and said "For sure." I was talking in syllables and then all of the sudden, it wasn't me repeating Fr. Brad anymore. It was syllables that I wasn't hearing, they were coming from my mouth, but they weren't me.

I got it. The Lord gave me the gift of tongues last night and it was crazy incredible! God is so good to me and I don't deserve a single thing He's given me. He's blessed me so much because I've gotten into His Word. I find the principles and LIVE THEM. Living them is the most important part. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3:5. The Lord has made my path straight because I'm relying totally on Him. I haven't cut in over a month and yesterday when I was telling Fr. Brad about our mission trip to Romania, he asked me how I looked at cutting now. I told him that I think it's a thing of the past. Of course it will always be there, but now it's not a constant thought in my head. It's just a little something there from time to time.

Praise God for all of His goodness!!!

Update (It's a good update. Trust me.)

Here is the e-mail I just sent to Fr. Greg. It explains how things are going right now. Things have changed like you wouldn't believe.


Fr. Greg,

I just wanted to let you know that things are going MUCH better. I've been blessed with a lot of healing over the last few weeks as the result of healing of the heart services that Fr. Brad's been doing.  The first night, the hysterical crying was out of the hurt that's built up over the last 2 1/2 years. The second night, it was out of pure anger at the Lord. I was SO mad at Him. I told Fr. Brad that I believed that God could fix me, but He wouldn't. I couldn't have been more wrong. From those nights, I finally came to the realization that in no way is it God's fault. All the cutting was my choice and He loves me enough to give me the right to choose. As a result of the healing services and the changes that have happened within my heart, the Lord has blessed me more than I ever could've imagined and the blessings keep coming. I'd lost all hope and He has restored my hope. When we were on our pilgrimage to Rome and Assisi, I told Fr. Brad that I was done and I really was. I told God I wanted nothing to do with Him anymore. For a week after we got back, I didn't pray or go to daily Mass. I was truly defeated because I gave up on God. By His grace, He showed me that things were only worse without Him and I went running back to Him. The Eucharist, Confession, prayer, and Scripture are incredible things. Everything that has happened is all from the Lord and all glory goes to Him. This past weekend in Medjugorje was so good as well. God did some really crazy things there and because of my experiences, I will never again doubt the goodness of God or the Blessed Mother. God is so good!

I know right now that this is a spiritual high, but I've learned so much since I began spiritual direction with Fr. Brad. I've learned that every single thing in the Bible is complete truth. Being able to read a passage of Scripture and find the spiritual principles has changed everything. Psalm 1:1-2 says "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on His law he mediates day and night." Fr. Brad and I talked about those 2 verses for over 2 hours. It completely changed my whole mentality about Scripture. Things have changed because I've learned that I have to claim the victory of the Cross and put on the whole armor of God. Life's all about fighting the good fight of faith. After learning so much from Fr. Brad and as much as we've talked, we've determined that most of, if not all, the problem is spiritual warfare. I decided that I'm going to become Satan's worst nightmare. I've learned how to cover myself in Christ's Precious Blood for protection. Another thing I learned is how to stop the feelings of wanting to cut as soon as I feel them. It all starts in my head and I've been able to replace the lies that I've believed for so long with the truth. That was what I struggled with the most. The lies sounded so much like the truth, but since learning how to fight, taking Ephesians 6 extremely seriously, and not letting Satan control me anymore, I'm winning.

This semester started out really hard and I was SO discouraged, but my hope in the Lord and in myself has been restored. For so long, I believed that being able to stop cutting was impossible and that fear caused so many problems. Now, I know it's not impossible. I've got complete confidence that soon, it won't control me anymore. The change in my heart has all come from the Lord. God has saved my life once again. All glory goes to Him. 

Tomorrow begins our second 10-day break. I'm going on a mission trip to Romania, so I just wanted to ask for your prayers. We're preparing ourselves for our lives to be completely changed.

I hope you're doing well and that your ministry at GW is extremely blessed. I'm always praying for you.

Sending love and prayers from Austria,

Catherine

God is good. That's all I can say.

Please pray for my mission team and I as we go to Romania

Spiritual Warfare

A lot has changed in my heart lately. This semester abroad has been more blessed that I ever could have imagined it would be. Spiritual direction with Fr. Brad has rocked my world. I'm realizing how true Scripture really is. I realized that I care more about quitting cutting than I ever had before. That's why I feel SO guilty when I do it. I haven't done it in over 2 weeks. Fr. Brad and I have talked about how the devil has put those lies in my head and that I need to stop them before they get overwhelming. Well, I've decided that I'm going to become Satan's worst nightmare. I'm going to whoop his ass. He has no idea what's coming. He has no more control ove me. He has no right to try to take my soul. My soul belongs to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and he can't touch me anymore. I claim the victory of the Cross and I'm covering myself in the Precious Blood of Christ. He's got no chance.


This weekend, we went to Medjugorje, Bosnia. It's where the Blessed Mother has been appearing for 30 years. The Blessed Mother rocked my world while we were there. I had no idea what it was going to happen, but I'm SO happy I went.


"The Devil fears the Virgin Mary more, not only than men and angels but, in a certain sense, than God himself. It is not that the wrath, the power and the hatred of God are not infinitely greater than those of the Blessed Virgin, since Mary's perfections are limited: it is because, in the first place, Satan, being proud, suffers infinitely more from being overcome and punished by the little, humble servant of God, her humility humiliating him more than the divine power; and secondly, because God has given Mary such great power over devils that, as they have often been obliged to admit, in spite of themselves, through the mouths of possessed persons, they are more afraid of one of her sighs of grief over some poor soul, than of the prayers of the saints, and more daunted by a single threat from her than by all their other torments" -Msgr. Leon Cristiani 


The Blessed Mother's on my side, Jesus is on my side, St. Padre Pio, St. Michael the Archangel, and the entire communion of saints and angels are on my side. Look out, Satan. You're going down.

Feeling This Way

Am I making a bigger deal out of this than it really is? I'm not nearly as bad off as most people. I've got a good life. My parents love me more than I could ever imagine, we don't struggle with money, my parents are paying for my college, I go to the best Catholic college in the U.S., I'm currently studying abroad in Austria.

I have no reason to feel this way...

God, What Have I Been Doing?

The title is a line from Matthew West's song "My Own Little World"

I'm tired of seeing scars all over my arms and legs. I'm tired of hurting. I’m tired of trying and failing. Why should I hope when all I ever do is get let down? I’ve done EVERYTHING. I gave it all to God and I’m still struggling. I don’t want to cut, but the devil has such a strong hold on my mind and I can’t get him to let go. Every time I think it’s getting better, he makes me think it’s not. He’s just constantly waiting for a chink to penetrate my armor and he takes full advantage of that. It hurts. I just want to feel okay. That’s all. I want to forgive myself, but I can’t. I’ve tried and tried and tried. It took me over 2 years to forgive myself for cutting in high school and I only cut twice in high school. How long is it going to take me to forgive myself for almost 3 years of cutting?

I had my worst day in 2 ½ years last Thursday. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye for fear that I would just break down crying. I was in spiritual direction with Fr. Brad for over an hour and stared at the floor the entire time. He tried to get me to look at him, but there was no way that was happening. He asked me to write a letter to Jesus about everything that’s going on, but I don’t think I can do it. I feel like I’m backwards when it comes to this stuff. I have no problem praying when things are fine where most people quit praying when things are fine. I don’t pray when things are going bad because I feel like God doesn’t want to hear it. Most people pray their butts off when things get bad.

Lord, what am I doing?? Is this worth it??

A Confession and Where I'm At Right Now

You know that saying, "The darkest hour is just before the dawn breaks"? Well, I'm at that point in my trying to stop cutting. I fell back into cutting about 3 weeks ago. Things have gotten really rough and I've cut multiple times in the last 2 weeks, but I'm not giving up hope. I can feel that there are some things that have already started to change from working with Fr. Brad. Right now, the devil is super pissed that I'm about to beat him and I can feel that. He's made my life really hard, but I'm not going to let him win this time. Yeah, I've given in a lot, but I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm almost there. I've noticed in the last 2 times I've cut that it doesn't even give me that 5 minutes of relief anymore. So, I've decided it's not worth it at all. Working with Fr. Brad's been really good. It definitely is extremely painful, but I know it's what has to happen. It's been 2 1/2 years of wounds that have never healed correctly. I'm more hopeful about this than I have been in a long time.

Fr. Brad's got me really into Scripture. We talked for an hour and a half last week on Ephesians 6. In that time, we got through 5 verses about the armor of God and it's teaching me that Sacred Scripture really is a two-edged sword that can beat the enemy. I've immersed myself into Scripture more than I ever have before.  I don't get why Catholics aren't more into Scripture. It's incredible. There are SO many encouraging things in Scripture. My favorite passages really do keep me going. Ephesians 6 is one of my favorites, but my absolute favorite verses are Psalm 147:3 (He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds) and Exodus 14:14 (The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still). It's making me realize the genuine goodness of the Lord. He's done so much for me since being here. He's healing my heart. Right now He's ripping off those band-aids so that he can cleanse the wounds of my heart and help them heal correctly. It hurts like hell and I've fallen into cutting as a result, but I'll get there in time.

So, I can tell that my finally beating this is coming soon. It's gotten really hard, but I'm not going to let it beat me. I'm a fighter and I have been for 2 1/2 years. Why stop now? That would mean that 2 1/2 years of my work as well as countless other peoples' work was totally pointless. I'm not going to let everything that so many people have done for me be totally pointless because it hasn't been. So, I'm getting there. I'm not letting go of hope, because as Fr. Greg once told me, losing hope would be a bigger sin than cutting. I've also come to realize that as soon as I completely lose hope, I'm going to die. Humans can't live without hope. I've learned that at the concentration camps and from a book we read in my Philosophy of the Human Person class. That class is changing my life more than I ever would have thought. It's making me realize my value.