At 11:35pm last night, I had a revelation...Yesterday was the first day in a year and a half where I haven't had a single impulse to cut. I thought about it, but I didn't feel the need to do it! I just wanted to share my news with you. It made me realize that I am okay and that I can live my life without this.
“I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all of my heart.” – Van Gogh
Friday, October 8, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
75 Days
75 days...I've gone the last 11 weeks without cutting. I can't believe I've made it this far. Honestly, I had huge doubts that I would ever have made it this far. It truly was all by the grace of God.
Today, I had a prayer answered. We had a guest speaker in my Parish and Personal Evangelization class (Only at Franciscan do you have classes like this one. Haha) named Michael Poirier. He's a Catholic singer who travels the country with his wife and kids sharing the salvific message of Christ. He sang a part of a song that he sings after Holy Communion in Mass when he does the music. He sang it today and it brought tears to my eyes, because just last night, I asked the Lord to let me know His love for me. Here's what Michael sang.
You are beautiful to me, but still you don't believe me
You are beautiful to me, it's why I'm telling you again.
You are beautiful to me, please stop trying to win the love that was yours from the beginning
You are beautiful to me, you think you understand
You are beautiful to me, so tell me, why do you still run?
You are beautiful to me, I'm longing for the day you will believe me.
Never have I felt that a message was made more for me. After class, I talked to Michael for a few minutes and told him that this really was an answer to my prayer. This exactly what I needed to hear because most of the time, I don't feel beautiful. For 2 years, I listened to the lies of Satan and abused my body. I still get the temptation...a lot actually. To be totally honest, it's every single night that I have to fight the urge. It usually comes at least once during the day as well. I hate it, but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is my Cross to carry right now. I have a friend named Erinn who's in the class as well. We had a little conversation about how this got me emotional and after class today, she sent a tweet to Twitter that said that "catherinengland (my username), you're beautiful." It got sent to my phone, and I started to tear up. She has no idea how much that means to me. Each time someone says it, even though I don't really believe it, I can feel myself coming closer to really knowing Christ really does love me and created me beautiful. One day, I'll get there. All in God's time.
I spent a lot of time thinking about the last 2 years lately. I know it's not good to dwell on the past, but I feel like to heal, I need to look at it. 23 months ago, I started cutting again. After 2 years of being addicted to cutting, I look at the scars on my upper arm, my legs, and my forearm and I'm appalled at the fact that I did all this damage to myself. But then, I remembered something Fr. Greg told me a while ago. He told me not to look any further down my arm than my tattoo. So, I'm trying not to. I'm trying to see my scars as battle scars. I look forward to the day that I can look at them and say that I won the battle and that they are a sign of how bad things were, but how good they can be, and that life is so much better. Again, it's all in God's time.
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3
Today, I had a prayer answered. We had a guest speaker in my Parish and Personal Evangelization class (Only at Franciscan do you have classes like this one. Haha) named Michael Poirier. He's a Catholic singer who travels the country with his wife and kids sharing the salvific message of Christ. He sang a part of a song that he sings after Holy Communion in Mass when he does the music. He sang it today and it brought tears to my eyes, because just last night, I asked the Lord to let me know His love for me. Here's what Michael sang.
You are beautiful to me, but still you don't believe me
You are beautiful to me, it's why I'm telling you again.
You are beautiful to me, please stop trying to win the love that was yours from the beginning
You are beautiful to me, you think you understand
You are beautiful to me, so tell me, why do you still run?
You are beautiful to me, I'm longing for the day you will believe me.
Never have I felt that a message was made more for me. After class, I talked to Michael for a few minutes and told him that this really was an answer to my prayer. This exactly what I needed to hear because most of the time, I don't feel beautiful. For 2 years, I listened to the lies of Satan and abused my body. I still get the temptation...a lot actually. To be totally honest, it's every single night that I have to fight the urge. It usually comes at least once during the day as well. I hate it, but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is my Cross to carry right now. I have a friend named Erinn who's in the class as well. We had a little conversation about how this got me emotional and after class today, she sent a tweet to Twitter that said that "catherinengland (my username), you're beautiful." It got sent to my phone, and I started to tear up. She has no idea how much that means to me. Each time someone says it, even though I don't really believe it, I can feel myself coming closer to really knowing Christ really does love me and created me beautiful. One day, I'll get there. All in God's time.
I spent a lot of time thinking about the last 2 years lately. I know it's not good to dwell on the past, but I feel like to heal, I need to look at it. 23 months ago, I started cutting again. After 2 years of being addicted to cutting, I look at the scars on my upper arm, my legs, and my forearm and I'm appalled at the fact that I did all this damage to myself. But then, I remembered something Fr. Greg told me a while ago. He told me not to look any further down my arm than my tattoo. So, I'm trying not to. I'm trying to see my scars as battle scars. I look forward to the day that I can look at them and say that I won the battle and that they are a sign of how bad things were, but how good they can be, and that life is so much better. Again, it's all in God's time.
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3
Sunday, October 3, 2010
"Only in Me is your satisfication to be found"
This is by St. Anthony of Padua. It currently hangs beside my desk here in my dorm room. It's motivation for me to always be seeking a deeper relationship with God. Who better than to be in a relationship? He promises multiple times in Scripture to never fail or forsake us. People do it all the time fail and forsake us all the time. He never will.
--------------------
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a
deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and
exclusively.
But God says, "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and
content with living, loved by ME ALONE, with giving yourself totally
and unreservedly to ME ALONE. I love you, my child, and until you
discover that ONLY in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will
not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned
for you. You will never be united with another until you are united
with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other
desires or longings.
"I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you
that most thrilling plan existing, one that you can't imagine. I want
you to have the BEST! Please allow me to bring it to you. You just
keep watching me, expecting that satisfaction, expecting the greatest
things, and know that I Am. Keep learning and listening to the things
I tell you. YOU MUST WAIT!
"Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others
have received. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just
keep looking off and away up to me, or you'll miss what I want to show
you.
"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more
wonderful than you would ever imagine. I am working this very minute
to have both of you ready at the same time, until you are both
satisfied exclusively with me and the life I have planned and prepared
for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies
your relationship with me... and this is perfect love.
"Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to
see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and to enjoy
materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and
perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you
utterly. I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied."
--------------------
I love it. My friend Brooke first shared it with me, then I felt called to share it with my sister as well as multiple friends. It amazes me how God works :)
73 days. November 7, 2010 is what I'm aiming for. That'll be day 108, which will be the longest I've ever gone without cutting.
--------------------
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a
deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and
exclusively.
But God says, "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and
content with living, loved by ME ALONE, with giving yourself totally
and unreservedly to ME ALONE. I love you, my child, and until you
discover that ONLY in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will
not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned
for you. You will never be united with another until you are united
with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other
desires or longings.
"I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you
that most thrilling plan existing, one that you can't imagine. I want
you to have the BEST! Please allow me to bring it to you. You just
keep watching me, expecting that satisfaction, expecting the greatest
things, and know that I Am. Keep learning and listening to the things
I tell you. YOU MUST WAIT!
"Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others
have received. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just
keep looking off and away up to me, or you'll miss what I want to show
you.
"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more
wonderful than you would ever imagine. I am working this very minute
to have both of you ready at the same time, until you are both
satisfied exclusively with me and the life I have planned and prepared
for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies
your relationship with me... and this is perfect love.
"Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to
see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and to enjoy
materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and
perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you
utterly. I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied."
--------------------
I love it. My friend Brooke first shared it with me, then I felt called to share it with my sister as well as multiple friends. It amazes me how God works :)
73 days. November 7, 2010 is what I'm aiming for. That'll be day 108, which will be the longest I've ever gone without cutting.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Rough Times
Lately, life's just been tough. I haven't been myself lately and I don't know why. Satan's really trying to convince me I'm not good enough and don't deserve to be loved by anyone, especially God. It's hard because I believe that. I believe the lies. For 2 years, I denied Christ's sacrifice for me by cutting, so why should He love me now? I don't know. I'm just so frustrated. I had to leave praise and worship the other night because I felt like it was all crap. Fr. Greg texted me the other day, telling me to read Isaiah 43:1-4, which says
1But now, thus says the LORD, your Creator, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel,
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!
2"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.
3"For I am the LORD your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I have given Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your place.
4"Since you are precious in My sight,
Since you are honored and I love you,
I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life.
I read that and can't help but not believe it. I feel like it's not for me, you know? I don't know. Things are just so messed up in my head lately, I don't know. I'm meeting with my spiritual director, Fr. Mike Scanlan, on Monday. Hopefully he can help me.
1But now, thus says the LORD, your Creator, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel,
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!
2"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.
3"For I am the LORD your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I have given Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your place.
4"Since you are precious in My sight,
Since you are honored and I love you,
I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life.
I read that and can't help but not believe it. I feel like it's not for me, you know? I don't know. Things are just so messed up in my head lately, I don't know. I'm meeting with my spiritual director, Fr. Mike Scanlan, on Monday. Hopefully he can help me.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Happy Feast of the Archangels
Today, in the Catholic Church, we celebrate the Feast of the Archangels. The archangels are St. Michael, St. Raphael, and St. Gabriel. I'm a huge fan of St. Michael. He's done so much for me. Through his powerful intercession along with the Blessed Mother, I was able to get my life back. This is my favorite picture of St. Michael the Archangel.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
"Strong Enough" - Matthew West
Another song that is totally the story of my life...It just came out like 2 weeks ago and I'm a huge fan.
Monday, September 20, 2010
60 days
Wow...60 days. 60 days clean. Sometimes I can't believe it. I've only gotten this far by the grace of God. If He hadn't intervened when he did, I probably wouldn't have made it to today. Life is generally really good. I went home this weekend to see Matt Maher and Tenth Avenue North play a concert together, which was really cool! I took 17 friends with me and it was so great. I cried when Tenth Ave sang "You Are More" because that song is totally my life story. My household big sister was there and when she realized what song was playing, she turned around and hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You're so much more." What was even crazier was that Mike, the lead singer of Tenth Ave, made eye contact with me. We were close enough that I know he could see us and I wonder if he recognized me from two years before. I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy, but if he did make eye contact with me, then that makes that song so much more special.
I am more than a cutter. It took so long for me to realize that. For almost 2 years, I let it define me. My friend Jackie has been a huge support the last 6 months and the other day, she made a comment. She said, "You know...you don't wear your jacket as much as you used to." I said, "Yeah. It's because I'm finally not letting my struggle define me anymore."
These post-its are from Jackie :)
I am more than a cutter. It took so long for me to realize that. For almost 2 years, I let it define me. My friend Jackie has been a huge support the last 6 months and the other day, she made a comment. She said, "You know...you don't wear your jacket as much as you used to." I said, "Yeah. It's because I'm finally not letting my struggle define me anymore."
These post-its are from Jackie :)
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