One Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

Well, my "huge" step to recovery didn't last too long...Some crap happened today and I ended up taking apart a razor and cutting with the blades. My forearm is now covered in cuts from 2 inches below my wrist to almost my elbow...It's not a pretty sight. I know I shouldn't have, but I just got so overwhelmed. I'm trying to figure out how to tell Fr. Robert or really even if I want to. Right now, I just feel like a hopeless case. Nothing is giving me enough reason to quit. I know it hurts the people I love and I know it could kill me, but for some reason, that's not enough. I absolutely HATE that I haven't found a reason to quit. It's really, really frustrating. I cannot even describe how frustrated I am with myself right now. I know Fr. Robert's frustrated with me, but I know he knows this isn't something I can really help. But here's the thing...take Fr. Robert's frustration and multiply it by like 10. That's how frustrated I am with myself. For some reason, I'm constantly going back to the blade. It's making me feel like I'm never going to be able to stop.

A HUGE Step Toward Recovery

So today, I took a HUGE step towards stopping my self-injury. I am really good friends with one of the priests at my church, Fr. Robert. He and I had quite a long conversation yesterday. He told me that this has got to stop or this is going to kill me. Of course, I already knew that, but having someone else tell me made me realize how serious this all really is. Fr. Robert is genuinely concerned about me and I could tell when he said that to me yesterday. His tone absolutely broke my heart. I almost started crying. So last night, I decided I was going to get rid of my blades. Before I came to this conclusion, I did end up cutting. There was a lot of drama that occurred last night. It was ridiculous. But when I was done cutting, I decided that I was going to get rid of the blades. I tried so hard to throw them away, but I just couldn't. I just couldn't drop the blades into the trash can, so I e-mailed Fr. Robert and asked him if he'd do me a favor. I asked him if I stopped by his office and gave him the blades, would he get rid of them for me. He gladly accepted and as soon as I walked into his office this afternoon, the first thing he said to me was "Give them to me, NOW!" I hesitated for a second and then handed all 4 blades to him. He took them and put them in a drawer and locked the drawer.

By giving Fr. Robert my blades, I no longer have anything to cut with. It was extremely hard for me to give them to him today, but I knew that it had to be done. I also promised him that I would not cut the rest of the time I am at home. I am not one to break promises, so I know for sure that I will not be cutting for the next week and a half.


And you will know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. They answered Him, "We are Abraham's descendants and have never yet been enslaved to anyone; how is it that You say, 'You will become free'?" Jesus answered them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son does remain forever. So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed."
- John 8:32-36

The Way She Feels - Between The Trees

This song is an incredible one. I cannot even describe how it makes me feel. Between The Trees isn't technically a Christian band, but this song definitely involves God at the end. It also reminds me a lot of my conversations with John. It's just an incredible song. The music video was put together by Between The Trees and the INCREDIBLE organization, To Write Love On Her Arms.



Shes upset
Bad day
Heads for the dresser drawer to
Drive her pain away
Nothing good can come of this.
She opens it theres nothing there
Is only left over tears
Mom and dad had no right she screams
As the anger runs down both of her cheeks.

Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries

All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Bite the lip just forget the bleeding

Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries [x2]

Curled up shes on the floor
Relief left her she had hoped for something more
From it (hoped for something more)
From it
He leans down to comfort her
She is weeping and He
Wraps His arms around
And around and around and...
The deeper you cut
The deeper I hurt
The deeper you cut
It only gets worse

Now shes slowly opening...
New eyes...

Then she opened her eyes
And found relief through His life
And put down her knives

Then she opened her life
And found relief through His eyes
And put down
She put down her life

Forgiveness

My friend sent me this picture today. It almost made me cry. It's now the background of my phone.

I have HUGE issues with forgiveness. It doesn't take me long to forgive others, but when it comes to forgiving myself, yeah right. It took me 2 1/2 years after I stopped cutting in high school for me to forgive myself. I was at a Steubenville youth conference in Atlanta when God finally gave me the grace to forgive myself. I haven't stopped cutting, so right now, me forgiving myself is almost out of the question. I have to quit first. I asked Fr. Greg once why it's so hard for people to forgive themselves and he told me it's because people don't understand God's forgiveness. Then he challenged me to go to Confession weekly for the next year. If you don't know this by now, I trust Fr. Greg more than almost anyone. Therefore, I'm going to do my absolute best to do it. So far, so good. This past summer, he asked me to go to Adoration everyday for 30 days and he promised I'd be changed. He was right. I did it for all 30 days, even though at one point things got REALLY bad. I almost quit going because I was so angry with God. So what I did was I went for like 15 minutes a day and let God hear it. I was so angry that a lot of times I would start to cry. I told God how angry I was at Him, I asked Him how He could let all this crap constantly come back in my life, etc. After 30 days, things did get better. That's why I'm open to weekly Confession for a year. It might sound like a lot, but I really know it's not. Fr. Greg told me I had to be open to God's grace if this weekly Confession is going to work. I'm doing my absolute best to be as open as possible. Forgiving myself is just not something I'm good at. Fr. Greg said that as soon as I feel God's forgiveness, I'll be able to forgive myself. So, I'm giving this a shot. I guess we'll see where it goes.

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." -Lewis B. Smedes

I'm My Own Worst Enemy

Being a self-injurer, I can tell you that I am my own worst enemy. I basically torture myself. It's so weird. No one is a harsher critic of me than myself. I'm always beating myself up when I do something stupid, make a mistake, or cut. There's a song by Red called "Fight Inside" which pretty much describes the internal fight that goes on inside me. One part of me is always saying "Don't cut. You know it only makes things worse." The other part of me says "It's 5 minutes of relief. That's better than nothing." So basically, there's a fight going on inside me.



Enemy, familiar friend
My beginning and my end
Knowing truth
Whispering lies, and it hurts again

What I fear, what I try
The words I say and what I hide
All the pain; I want it to end
But I want it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's still the same
Pursuing pain
Isn't worth the light I've gained
We both know how this will end
But I do it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again
And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without you
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's nothing
(It's everything)
It's nothing
(It's everything)
It's nothing
(It's everything)
It's nothing
It's everything!

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again
And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without you
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's breaking me!
It's breaking me!

I'm falling apart!
I'm falling apart!

New Year Spiritual Resolutions

I helped out with my church's youth group last night. We had a Christmas party that was OFF THE HOOK!! First, we went to Adoration and did a sweet reflection on the Parable of the Sower. It was pretty awesome to have Jesus there as we read His words. After we read the parable, we were given 4 questions to think about. I figured I'd share them and my answers with you.

1) What is my life like right now? The path, the rocky ground, the thorns, or good soil?
-My life is definitely the thorns right now. I'm always having experiences (like tonight) where my faith is strengthened, but then something ALWAYS happens to make me fall away again.

2)What were the ways in which I cultivates a place for God in my life?
-Getting very involved with Life After Sunday, the Catholic group on Xavier's campus (A Catholic group on a Catholic college campus...Weird, I know), going on the Eyes of Faith retreat, where the idea of going to Steubenville was first planted in my head, going on Credo, listening to God and deciding to go to Steubenville.

3) What have been the things in life that have led me further from God this year?
-Cutting, drinking, suicidal thoughts, never taking time to pray

4) What can I do to cultivate my life to receive Jesus more in 2010?
-STOP CUTTING, pray more, get professional help for cutting, quit living my life for myself,m read more Scripture

After the reflection, I went and talked to my friend, Russ, who's about to be ordained a deacon in the spring. He knows about my cutting because he was on the retreat over the summer where I gave my testimony. He and I talked for a while about what's going on. I explained how I wasn't sure if I was going to Steubenville because I wanted to or because God wanted me to. He told me it really didn't matter because I'm going to an INCREDIBLE place and holiness just radiates from every inch of that campus. He told me not to worry, that he has complete faith in me, and that God loves me more than I'll ever know. He then said something that I know is going to stick with me for a long time. He said, "Catherine, you've suffered for a long time with some really rough stuff. But you know what? That means you're like Him." He pointed to the Blessed Sacrament exposed on the altar. I just sat there thinking, "Yeah. He's right. Jesus knows how I'm feeling even when I can't put the feelings into words." Then, Russ prayed over me and it was awesome. I can't even describe it. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I started to cry. I could feel the love of God. Russ reminded me how loved I am. It was incredible.

Cut - Plumb

This song puts some of the feelings of cutting into words better than I can ever explain. The lines in bold are the ones that hit the closest to me.



I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile frame aged
with misery
And when our eyes meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Oh I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut