In My Deepest Wound

It is in those places that hurt the most - those deep wounds in my heart - where I have seen God and how He works. Keep the hope. It will not disappoint (Romans 5:5).

My 23rd Birthday

Today is another one of those days that sometimes I felt like I'd never see. Today I turned 23. That might not seem like a big deal to most people, but I'm someone who didn't expect to live to see myself graduate college (and that was over a year ago now!). Most of the time, I look at my life and think "Man, this sucks. I feel like I'm always depressed." But, it's days like my birthday that I get a reality check. I've got a degree from the most Catholic university in the United States. I've got friends who are some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I'm a missionary in an AMAZING country that I love so much. I've raised almost $35,000 to build an orphanage (only $30,000 more to go!). I've got a God who loves me more than I'll ever understand and who has sustained me in the times I've wanted to quit. He's never let me quit.

I leave for Romania on Sunday. I'm SO excited to finally get back after all this crazy crap with my shoulder. Four months later than I had planned, but God knew what He was doing. Please, as always, pray for me and the mission. You can see me post more often here (my mission blog).

Jeff Becomes a Priest

On April 6, 2010, I met a young man named Jeff after a night of praise and worship at Franciscan.

Click here to read the blog post about when I met him.

Today, he is being ordained a priest. That's so glorious! He is going to be an AMAZING priest! I ask that you pray for him in his new ministry.

Countdown to going back to Romania: 15 days.

Relapse

I promised myself that I'd always be brutally honest on here, so, here goes.

One week ago today, I relapsed. I cut myself for the first time after 17 months and 1 day of not cutting. There are about 10 things that lead to it that I'd rather not get into the details of, but I can tell you that it was bad. I cut myself 6 times in 5 days. It sucks to see the cuts on my legs and my arm, but they're healing, as is my heart. My heart has taken a huge beating over the last couple months, especially the last month. Last Wednesday, I'd finally just had enough.

I told Fr. Rick and he's been really supportive in helping me pick myself back up. I texted Fr. Greg, but got no response. I'm not sure right now that I could handle his response. I hate that I've let him down. I hate that I've let God down. I haven't gotten up the strength to go to Confession yet, but I'll get there soon.

I ask that you keep me in your prayers. I'm doing the best I can to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. It's a process that's taking time.

I leave for 6 months in Romania in a mere 18 days. I'm praying I can get it together between now and then.

Today has been a good day and I'm determined that tonight be good too. You know, depression and addiction recovery SUCK about 99% of the time, but then you get a little break, like I got today, where God help you carry your cross and He lets you know that you really are gonna be okay.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3

"Always remember..."

It's 1:30am and I just got off the phone with the future saint, Fr. Greg. I've been having a rough time since my shoulder surgery and this is the first time we've talked in about a month. I called him about 12:15am and he didn't answer, so I sent him a text saying "Just trying to keep my end of the deal." (if you don't know what that means, it comes from the night I met Fr. Greg. He made me promise that I'd call him before I was allowed to cut myself). He called me back a few minutes later and he asked me what was going on. He let me ramble for like 10 minutes. There was so much shit that I just needed to get out. He's so good. He knows when to just let me talk and he knows when I'm looking for a response. So, after my word vomiting, he told me that all this stuff is going on because God is strengthening me. I rolled my eyes and he somehow knew it. He goes, "I know that's not what you wanna hear, but years down the road, you'll look at this time and think that if you could get through that, you can get through anything." So, I agreed with that, as much as I didn't want to. Haha.

Then he asked me if I would do something for him. He told me that self-injury has become an epidemic on college campuses and he asked  me if I would write a brochure that he could give to the students who come to him. He was like, "You've fought this heroic battle for the last 5 years and for the last 16 months, you've won" (He kept saying that I'm fighting heroically. I know he sees it that way, but I definitely don't). He told me that he thought it'd bring some healing to the emotional wounds left from struggling with the addiction to cutting for 4 years. So, I agreed. At this point, I don't even know where to start, but with the guidance of the Lord, I know it'll be what He wants. This quote kinda goes along with this new project: "Why didn't God take away the scars? Because it was the most powerful story. Jesus didn't cover up His scars. They were healed wounds. Our scars are a witness to the world. They are a part of our story. Healed wounds are symbols that God has restored us." -Louie Giglio

At the end of our conversation, I thanked him for putting up with me and he said, "Always remember, I love you." And that's when the tears started flowing. I told him that he had no idea how bad I needed to hear that right at that moment. And as soon as he said it, an intense peace came over me. The anxiety and all the feelings that were raging inside of me just calmed down.

It amazes me how when I feel like I'm one tiny thing away from crashing and burning, God shows up and brings me exactly what I need. And tonight, that was to hear someone say, "I love you."

Peace and blessings to you tonight.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." -Psalm 23:4

"Worn" by Tenth Avenue North

If you know me at all, you know that one of my favorite bands of all time is Tenth Avenue North. I saw them first after they just put out their first album and were on tour with Santus Real. I was blessed to meet the lead singer and be able to tell him how their music has gotten me through some rough nights. In the last 4 years, they've become huge. Their latest album has an AMAZING song on it called "Worn" and talk about a song being a personal prayer. I feel like that song is the prayers I've said to God from the very depths of my soul on many hard nights. They recently put out the music video for that song and it's beautiful. You can watch it here: http://youtu.be/zulKcYItKIA (I can't get it to embed correctly. Sorry)

I'm tired, I'm worn.
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let me hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world.

I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn.

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up


And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn.

My prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn
Even before the day begins
I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So Heave, come and flood my eyes


I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause all that's dead inside can be reborn

Though I'm worn.
_______



And I just realized as I'm writing this, that I am 15 months cut-free today. Praise God! He's so good!

Pray for me. Surgery is on Thursday.

Shoulder Surgery

I miss my kids. I just want to be in Romania.

And now I won't be back in Romania until June. I have to have shoulder surgery next Thursday and I'm not excited. It came from an injury that happened 4 days before I left Romania. I did everything I could do avoid surgery: 6 weeks of physical therapy, 2 cortisone shots, 2 months of anti-inflammatory meds, and 1 steroid. I was supposed to go back at the end of March, but then the other day my shoulder popped funny and the pain intensified to the point where I could hardly take it. After a night of no sleep, I called the orthopedic and saw him Friday, and we decided surgery was all that we could do to fix this.

I'm trying so hard to look at this with eyes of faith. It's WAY easier said than done. I'm trying to believe God has a reason for me to be here. What it is, I have no freakin' clue right now. But, I'm here and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

Say some prayers for me. I miss my kids insanely and this shoulder thing is causing lots of problems too.