Relapse

I promised myself that I'd always be brutally honest on here, so, here goes.

One week ago today, I relapsed. I cut myself for the first time after 17 months and 1 day of not cutting. There are about 10 things that lead to it that I'd rather not get into the details of, but I can tell you that it was bad. I cut myself 6 times in 5 days. It sucks to see the cuts on my legs and my arm, but they're healing, as is my heart. My heart has taken a huge beating over the last couple months, especially the last month. Last Wednesday, I'd finally just had enough.

I told Fr. Rick and he's been really supportive in helping me pick myself back up. I texted Fr. Greg, but got no response. I'm not sure right now that I could handle his response. I hate that I've let him down. I hate that I've let God down. I haven't gotten up the strength to go to Confession yet, but I'll get there soon.

I ask that you keep me in your prayers. I'm doing the best I can to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. It's a process that's taking time.

I leave for 6 months in Romania in a mere 18 days. I'm praying I can get it together between now and then.

Today has been a good day and I'm determined that tonight be good too. You know, depression and addiction recovery SUCK about 99% of the time, but then you get a little break, like I got today, where God help you carry your cross and He lets you know that you really are gonna be okay.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3

"Always remember..."

It's 1:30am and I just got off the phone with the future saint, Fr. Greg. I've been having a rough time since my shoulder surgery and this is the first time we've talked in about a month. I called him about 12:15am and he didn't answer, so I sent him a text saying "Just trying to keep my end of the deal." (if you don't know what that means, it comes from the night I met Fr. Greg. He made me promise that I'd call him before I was allowed to cut myself). He called me back a few minutes later and he asked me what was going on. He let me ramble for like 10 minutes. There was so much shit that I just needed to get out. He's so good. He knows when to just let me talk and he knows when I'm looking for a response. So, after my word vomiting, he told me that all this stuff is going on because God is strengthening me. I rolled my eyes and he somehow knew it. He goes, "I know that's not what you wanna hear, but years down the road, you'll look at this time and think that if you could get through that, you can get through anything." So, I agreed with that, as much as I didn't want to. Haha.

Then he asked me if I would do something for him. He told me that self-injury has become an epidemic on college campuses and he asked  me if I would write a brochure that he could give to the students who come to him. He was like, "You've fought this heroic battle for the last 5 years and for the last 16 months, you've won" (He kept saying that I'm fighting heroically. I know he sees it that way, but I definitely don't). He told me that he thought it'd bring some healing to the emotional wounds left from struggling with the addiction to cutting for 4 years. So, I agreed. At this point, I don't even know where to start, but with the guidance of the Lord, I know it'll be what He wants. This quote kinda goes along with this new project: "Why didn't God take away the scars? Because it was the most powerful story. Jesus didn't cover up His scars. They were healed wounds. Our scars are a witness to the world. They are a part of our story. Healed wounds are symbols that God has restored us." -Louie Giglio

At the end of our conversation, I thanked him for putting up with me and he said, "Always remember, I love you." And that's when the tears started flowing. I told him that he had no idea how bad I needed to hear that right at that moment. And as soon as he said it, an intense peace came over me. The anxiety and all the feelings that were raging inside of me just calmed down.

It amazes me how when I feel like I'm one tiny thing away from crashing and burning, God shows up and brings me exactly what I need. And tonight, that was to hear someone say, "I love you."

Peace and blessings to you tonight.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." -Psalm 23:4

"Worn" by Tenth Avenue North

If you know me at all, you know that one of my favorite bands of all time is Tenth Avenue North. I saw them first after they just put out their first album and were on tour with Santus Real. I was blessed to meet the lead singer and be able to tell him how their music has gotten me through some rough nights. In the last 4 years, they've become huge. Their latest album has an AMAZING song on it called "Worn" and talk about a song being a personal prayer. I feel like that song is the prayers I've said to God from the very depths of my soul on many hard nights. They recently put out the music video for that song and it's beautiful. You can watch it here: http://youtu.be/zulKcYItKIA (I can't get it to embed correctly. Sorry)

I'm tired, I'm worn.
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let me hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world.

I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn.

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up


And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn.

My prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn
Even before the day begins
I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So Heave, come and flood my eyes


I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause all that's dead inside can be reborn

Though I'm worn.
_______



And I just realized as I'm writing this, that I am 15 months cut-free today. Praise God! He's so good!

Pray for me. Surgery is on Thursday.

Shoulder Surgery

I miss my kids. I just want to be in Romania.

And now I won't be back in Romania until June. I have to have shoulder surgery next Thursday and I'm not excited. It came from an injury that happened 4 days before I left Romania. I did everything I could do avoid surgery: 6 weeks of physical therapy, 2 cortisone shots, 2 months of anti-inflammatory meds, and 1 steroid. I was supposed to go back at the end of March, but then the other day my shoulder popped funny and the pain intensified to the point where I could hardly take it. After a night of no sleep, I called the orthopedic and saw him Friday, and we decided surgery was all that we could do to fix this.

I'm trying so hard to look at this with eyes of faith. It's WAY easier said than done. I'm trying to believe God has a reason for me to be here. What it is, I have no freakin' clue right now. But, I'm here and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

Say some prayers for me. I miss my kids insanely and this shoulder thing is causing lots of problems too.

Uncertainty

I had another one of those "long nights" again the other night. I did everything I could to be distracted. I watched a movie, read a bunch of a book, but I just couldn't get the feelings to go away. So, once the tears started, I sat on my floor and cried to Jesus...a lot...telling Him I couldn't do this anymore and that I felt so alone. I told him how much I missed my baby brother and that I wished he was here. I then had an image in my head of the Blessed Mother holding Patrick, she looked at me and said that she had him and he was praying for me. I'm sitting here tearing up just thinking about it. It was beautiful. I begged for His presence to come to me, and after a little while, it did. The tears slowed down and this peace came over me. I knew Jesus was with me.

I’m usually okay with not having a boyfriend (especially when my job as a missionary means I live in Romania most of the year), but every couple months or so I get this overwhelming sense of wanting to love and be loved. It’s not that I’m not satisfied with God’s companionship, but I’m human. I long for human love. I’m almost 23 and friends are getting married and starting to have kids. I can’t help but want that for myself. I know that as the director of the new orphanage, I’m going to be the mom to 10 Romanian orphans in the next couple years, but that’s not quite the same as having my own kids with my husband. I know it's all in His time, but I'm human. It's that simple. 

There is just so much uncertainty in my life right now, which I was hoping that some of  it would be resolved when I went to the orthopedic on Monday to get the results of the MRI on my shoulder, but all he said is that it's a waiting game. I hurt my shoulder the last week I was in Romania and had it looked at the first week of January. Finally I got the MRI results, and when I was hoping for answers, I really got nothing. I have capsulitis in one of the tendons from when I hurt it. I've not gotten 2 cortisone shots, had a month of physical therapy, and nothing. Still an insane amount of pain. The doctor said it could hurt for up to a year, so going back to Romania has been put on hold until I can get enough strength back in my shoulder to be able to pick up kids. There is no way I could pick up any kids right now. Not a chance. And of course, it's my right shoulder, making it all even harder. So, I'm aiming for the middle or end of March. But, if it's not God's time, then it's not time for me to go back yet.

Actually, starting about 3 weeks ago, I began feeling SUPER anxious about going back to Romania and I finally was able to talk to my parents about it on Sunday. They both said that I need to trust my gut and that there is a reason then that I'm not going back when I had planned on it. So, that's where things are at.

I'm asking for continued prayers. I can only take so much of what's going on right now. Uncertainty has ALWAYS been something I struggle with, and now this new increased uncertainty is bothering me a lot. I talked to Fr. Remus and he said not to worry about it, that I need to get healthy first, but still.

On the good news side of things, I have raised $4,600 of the $10,000 I want to go back to Romania with so that we can start construction. Almost halfway there!! It's awesome. If you can donate even the tiniest amount, please consider doing so. You can go here at donate: https://www.egsnetwork.com/gift/gift.php?giftid=F7E26965-8FDC-4418-863E-EF472F4950E9.  I'm not kidding when I say that money goes a LONG way in Romania. We are able to build a 3,000 sq. ft. house for 10 kids for an estimated $65,000. Please consider helping me out. It's a big task for one 22-year-old to take on. But more importantly, I need prayers for this mission. It doesn't work without prayers.

A Long Night

I’m hurting. A lot. For many, many reasons. I’m in a really rough spot with my depression and have been for a while now. Last night was the first time I cried myself to sleep in a very long time. I was sobbing, crying out to Jesus from the depths of my soul. I’m tired of pretending to be okay and be strong. My relationship with God sucks right now and has for the last couple months. I don’t want to pray, I don’t want to go to Mass. In fact, most of the time I don’t want anything do to with Him.

The tears were caused by many things. Not being in Romania is one reason. Being triggered by something I saw on Pinterest is another thing(It's funny. I get triggered everytime I'm on there. Maybe I just shouldn't go on there anymore). I haven't reached out to anyone to talk about stuff in a while. I think that's a big part of it. I really don't have any friends I feel like I can really trust with my whole heart here at home. That being said, I miss my Franciscan friends horribly. I know where my dad keeps the utility blades now. He's out of town for a couple days, so the blades won't be moving. I know when he gets back I can ask him to move them, but just knowing they're sitting there is driving me insane right now. There are A LOT of other things going on right now, but I'm not going to get into them. 

I don’t need lecturing. I don’t need criticism. I don’t need preaching to. I need love, but most especially prayers.

I went to my little brother's grave for the first time in like 10 years today. Last night, in my prayer, God showed me that I needed to go. I've been meaning to go for a while, but just never did. Everyday, I wish he was still here. I never got to meet him. My heart aches for him a lot. This morning, it was freezing cold as I walked through the cemetery. It took me a few minutes to find his grave, but once I did, I fell on my knees and just started crying. I talked to him. I said things I have needed to say to him for years. I said things I have needed to say to God for a long time. After 20 minutes of crying and praying in the cold, I got back in the car. As I turned on the engine, "By Your Side" by Tenth Ave North came on the radio. I started crying again. All the tears were healing tears. I'm really glad I went to the cemetery.  

Healing is not an instantaneous, unless God will that it is. My healing is a process. Please pray that I can continue to persevere and be strong. 

Sorry this is so insanely all over the place. 

A Post By Megan

First of all, Merry Christmas. It's 7am here in Ohio and I'm still slightly jet lagged, so that's why I am awake. We agreed that we'd get up at 8:30 to do gifts, so I have to wait. Hahaha. May the newborn Christ child bring you hope, joy, and especially peace.

I want to share with you a blog post written by one of the WONDERFUL students that came on mission to Romania in October. Her name is Megan and I am so blessed to have been able to share my love of Romania with someone like her. She is a student at Belmont Abbey College and transferred to Franciscan just for the semester so that she could study abroad in Austria. She is someone with an amazing heart. Check out her blog post about her experience on mission in Romania:

http://createdforhim3.blogspot.com/2012/12/romania.html

Megan had a similar experience to what I had, but it was in my experience that I found my calling to missionary life. I'd never been on a mission trip before and actually, I had no idea where Romania was. I agreed to go before I even looked at a map to find it. I cannot be more grateful to God for His leading me to Romania in April 2011 and His guidance in establishing a permanent mission in Romania and now - the new orphanage! It was while in Romania that I found my purpose in life. I knew God created me to love on these babies for more than just a week while on a mission trip. He has called me to this for at least the next few years.