"The place of God in my soul is blank"

"...This terrible sense of loss, this untold darkness, this loneliness, this continual longing for God, which gives me that pain deep down in my heart. Darkness is such that I really do not see - neither with my mind nor with my reason. The place of God in my soul is blank. There is no God in me. When the pain of longing is so great, I just long and long for God and it is then that I feel - He does not want me. He is not there...God does not want me. Sometimes, I just hear my own heart cry out - "My God" and nothing else comes. The torture and pain I can't explain."

I read this last night in Adoration and could not believe what I was reading. This was written by one of, if not the holiest woman to live in the 20th century: Mother Teresa. It's in the book "Come Be My Light" and even still, I cannot believe that a woman like Mother Teresa felt the exact same way I do a lot of the time. It was a real wake up call. A soon to be saint felt the EXACT same way I did. For me, Mother Teresa put a feeling that I couldn't put words to into words for me. It's actually kind of encouraging. I mean, maybe this is the way I'm supposed to feel. My suffering puts me in union with Christ's passion.

Sorry this wasn't a little longer. I don't have much time tonight.

"The Reason For The World" - Matthew West

God tends to speak to me in music. I somehow manage to find the perfect song at the perfect time. I've come to believe that it's the Spirit.

On my drive back to Steubenville today, I listened to this song and it really hit me. It gave me a reason to keep going. Lately, I've wanted to give up. I realized I can't.



There are no words in times like these
When tears don’t hide the tragedies
And all you want is a reason for the world
No comfort in a greeting card
‘Cause God is good, but life’s still hard
And your heart just wants a reason for the world

But maybe the reason for the pain
Is so that we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for our hope
Is so that we can face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home

For God so loved your broken heart
He sent his Son to where you are
And He died to give a reason for the world
So lift your sorrows to the One
Whose plan for you has just begun
And rest here in the hands that hold the world

'Cause maybe the reason for the pain
Is so that we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for our hope
Is so that we can face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home

Well, I know you’re past the point of broken
Surrounded by your fear
I know your feet are tired and weary
From the road that you walk down here
But just keep your eyes on Heaven
And know that you are not alone
Remember the reason for the world


No ear has heard, no eye has seen
Not even in your wildest dreams
The beauty that awaits beyond the world
When you look into the eyes of grace
And hear the voice of mercy say
Child, welcome to the reason for the world

A Four Word Text Message.

All it took was a 4-word text message to bring me to tears this morning. I was texting Fr. Greg last night, just letting him know how down I was. He didn't respond when I was awake. I fell asleep praying the Rosary at about 11:30 last night. I was out cold, or as my dad would say, "sawing logs" (He's a country boy. Can you tell? lol) I had a really bad night last night. Fr. Greg is really the only person I feel like I have in my life that I can be completely vulnerable with. He's seen me at my best and he's seen me at my worst. These are pretty raw emotions from last night. Here are the texts I sent Fr. Greg:

"Why do I still feel like there's all this crap inside me that I can only get out by cutting when there shouldn't be. It's day 89. Things should be better by now."

"I feel so alone. I shouldn't want to cut. Where is God when I need him? He's supposed to never leave me. I feel like He's left me here to fix myself."

"I've done everything I know to do. I can barely even pray anymore, which is a HUGE problem. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know why I'm here. I don't want to be here anymore."

"I'm sorry for being such a screw up. I wish I wasn't such a piece of hunk. Remember in Confession at St. Andrew's when you told me God didn't create junk? He did. He created me."

"I feel like my life's not worth shit. I've tried so many times over the last 2 years to fix it, yet here I am. Still screwed up. I'm done."

At 1:06am, I received a text (which I didn't get until this morning at 7:00am) with 4 little words. It said "I love you, Catherine." I was blown away this morning. I had no idea that all I needed was for someone to tell me they loved me. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. He's stuck by me for the last two years and if God hadn't brought him into my life when He did, I wouldn't be alive today. Fr. Greg has been someone who's constantly kept me grounded and been there for me when my life became a living hell. In one of Matthew West's new songs called "Hold You Up" there's a line that I feel like Fr. Greg has done for me. It says "I'm not gonna leave you when your world becomes a war. I'm staying in the trenches 'cause you're worth fighting for."

I've been in kind of a funk today because of it. I keep looking at the text to make sure I actually got it. I had no idea that a little 4-letter word text would make me feel better than anything else he could have said.

Call or tell someone you love them today. It may save their life.

One Of Those Nights...

Tonight's one of those nights...One of those nights where things just seem to suck. I'm having a really hard time. I feel like inside me there's all this crap, and cutting is the only way to get it out. That's how I always felt before I stopped cutting, but tonight, all I want to do is grab a blade and drag it across my arm. Then I look at my tattoo and remember what it stands for. It is a reminder that even when I don't feel loved, I am actually loved. I am loved by God, my parents, my friends, Fr. Greg, Fr. Rick, Fr. Mike, and so many other people.

I look at my arm and see scars from my elbow to my wrist and honestly, that scares me. I don't ever want to go back to that. I know that cutting is an evil lie and I never want to do it again, but nights like tonight, I feel like it's the only way that I can feel better. I'm feeling down because I'm really tired. I was gone all day yesterday leading a retreat for 400 teens in the Diocese of Steubenville. The retreat was 2 1/2 hours away and we got back at 1am this morning, so I'm exhausted. I'm also kinda down because I haven't been getting along with my household sisters as much as I would like to. I guess that's just what happens when you live with friends you see ALL the time. It's a challenge sometimes, but most of the time, it's great. One sister in particular is driving me nuts, but otherwise, things are okay there.

I think I'm just going to go pray the Rosary and see what happens.

3 weeks from today is day 108.

"Beautiful" - MercyMe

This song I randomly discovered on Tuesday. You have no idea how much I wish I believed this...



The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

And praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the Cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to death

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

"Broken Girl" - Matthew West

Matthew West released a new record last week. The whole album is incredible, but this is the song that hit me the hardest.



Look what he’s done to you
It isn’t fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn’t care
He took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast

Now words like innocence
Don’t mean a thing
You hear the music play
But you can’t sing
Those pictures in your mind
Keep you locked up inside your past

This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are, hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl

Those damaged goods you see
In your reflection
Love sees them differently
Love sees perfection
A beautiful display
Of healing on the way tonight
Tonight, tonight

This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are, hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl

Let your tears touch to the ground
Lay your shattered pieces down
And be amazed by how grace
Can take a broken girl
And put her back together again

This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are, hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl

The Tiniest Spark of Hope

It amazes me what the tiniest spark of hope inside a person can do. I had a spiritual direction meeting with Fr. Mike Scanlan yesterday and that's one thing I told him. I told him that for 2 years, I wanted to give up so many times, but something inside me wouldn't let me. It was the tiniest spark of hope and that yearning inside my soul to better my relationship with Christ. Honestly, I thought I was a hopeless case. It wasn't until Fr. Greg told me one night that giving up hope is a greater sin than cutting did I realize that there was something inside me that wanted to keep going. That thing was a tiny spark of hope, given to me by God. George Weinberg once said “Hope never abandons you; you abandon it.” That's so true. God didn't abandon me. I abandoned Him.

Now that I see what my life is like without cutting, I'm realizing what I'd missed if I had given up. I wouldn't be at the most incredible school in the world. I wouldn't be blessed with the world's most amazing friends. I wouldn't have gotten to see Fr. Greg twice this summer. I wouldn't have been able to take 17 friends home to see Matt Maher and Tenth Avenue North. I wouldn't be living in the most amazing dorm hall ever. I wouldn't get to go to study abroad in Austria next semester. I wouldn't get to see my sister graduate high school in May. I wouldn't get to see my brother graduate medical school and become a doctor in a year and a half. I would miss EVERYTHING God has planned for me! I would've missed SO MUCH!!

I'm realizing how beautiful life is. Yeah, it can REALLY suck sometimes. But looking at the bigger picture really does change everything. I realize that everything that has happened to me has happened for some reason. Some things, I have no freakin' clue at this point why they happened, but in God's time, He'll reveal it.

"When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God." -Charles L. Allen

"Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope." -Hal Lindsey

"And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." -Romans 5:5

"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." -George Iles

"Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn't permanent." -Jean Kerr