My Secret Got Posted!

This is a secret I created in May. I mailed it to Frank Warren, the creator of PostSecret, three weeks ago. It was posted on today's secrets (Go to postsecret.com and check them out). I got on about 1am this morning to see the new secrets and imagine my surprise when I saw this. I was like, "Wait a minute! I RECOGNIZE THAT!" I immediately called my friend, Rose, and told her to get online as soon as she could to see the new PostSecret. I told her that there was one she'd recognize. Right before I mailed in the post card, I took a picture of it and sent it to her. I don't really know why, but I did. So at like 1:30 this morning, I received a picture message from her on my cell phone. It was of her making a peace sign next to the secret. Then she sent me 2 text messages. The first one said "I am so honored and cool that I know the story behind a real PostSecret!" The second said, "I'm so glad that millions of people get to read your secret and become a part of your story." Never in a million years would I imagine that my secret would be posted for millions of people to see.

If you've read any of my other posts, I'm sure you can assume (and assume correctly) that the priest I referenced on the post card is indeed, Fr. Greg. The night he held me was when he was here in Steubenville a few weeks ago, at the end of May. I was in kind of a funky point at that time where the suicide thoughts came back. I was kinda freaked out that I actually might go through with it. Well, Fr. Greg hugged me and just held me as I cried. He reminded me what it feels like to be genuinely loved. It actually felt kind of like God had his arms around me. Read my blog post about it. It's from the end of May.

I thank God everyday for the incredible and holy priests that have been brought into my life, as well as those who serve in His Church around the world. Praise God for creating such wonderful men!

Today's day 11. I'm felling really good about it this time. I'm gaining strength going one day at a time as well as really turning to the Lord in my struggle. Fr. Mike said something to me in spiritual direction yesterday that made suffering all kinda make sense. He said "You can't have the Resurrection without the Cross." I guess I never really thought of it that way (even though I should have), but when he said that to me yesterday, something finally clicked in my head.

Raw Emotion From A Very Dark Night

Well, last night was a pretty dark night. I think I pissed off the devil by saying that my cutting doesn't own me anymore. He was not happy as a result of that. There was massive spiritual warfare going on last night. I texted my friend and asked her what she does when she struggles with an urge to cut. She said she cries her eyes out and then calls someone. Well, my problem was I couldn't cry last night. So, I wrote down some feelings then I went into the chapel. Well, as soon as I knelt down in front of the Eucharist last night, the tears started flowing and I had a huge sense of peace come over me. As I knelt there in prayer, crying, I asked the Blessed Mother to "kick some ass for me tonight." Well, she did. St. Therese of Lisieux once said, "In trial or difficulty, I have recourse to Mother Mary, whose glance alone is enough to dissipate every fear.” Mary helped me so much last night. After I left the chapel, I was strong enough to get through the night and stay clean. I'm feeling much better today. I went to Mass this morning at one of the churches nearby and I know that today's going to be much easier.

I wanted to share with you what I wrote last night. It was just how I was feeling at that point in time. Most of this, I don't really believe most of the time. But when I start believing the lies that the devil has been feeding me for the last 2 years, this is what happens. These are raw emotions put into words and written down in desperation.

The scars are so hard to look at
My left arm and legs covered in reminders
So much pain, anger, hatred
My past haunts me
No self-control, an addict at 20
This isn't how I imagined my life.

Every single day is a fight
Reason vs. emotion, spirit vs. flesh
My body wants that which my spirit hates
God, I don't want this anymore
Please, I'm begging You to help me
Take the pain, anger, self-hatred away

I'm supposedly Your masterpiece
Why would You create one with such ugly scars?
Love tattooed on my arm
But how could You love me like this?
Why do You put up with me?
I've let You down so many times

I'm so afraid that I will never see
Myself as anything more than a cutter
I feel like my addiction defines me
I long for relief, so I turn to the blade
But the blade only brings along more pain
I long for freedom; I WANT TO BE FREE

I'm sick of trying and failing
Sometimes I don't wanna live anymore
I can't imagine dealing with this addiction
For the rest of my life
So overwhelming...who would hire a cutter?
Who would want to marry a cutter?

Fr. Rick once told me something in Confession.
He said that problems arise when you mess with His plan
And that's what suicide is: messing with God's plan.
Sometimes, God, I'm not a fan of this plan
I know You don't mess with free will,
But can just once You take away my free will?

I don't believe I'm good and most of the time,
I struggle with believing I'm loved.
Lord, sometimes I just don't wanna go on
This is just me. There's nothing special about me.
I wish I could see my scars as a sign,
A sign that I got through the hard times, not that I almost didn't

I'm a failure. I'm not beautiful.
I'm not lovable and I'm nothing more than a cutter
And that's all I'll ever be.
I'm sorry, Lord.
This is it. I'm giving up the fight.
It's way too dark in this night.

"Dear X" - Disciple

I'm not letting the fact that I'm a cutter own me anymore. Today's day 7.



Dear pain, oh, it's been a long time
Remember when you were holding me tight
I would stay awake with you all night
Dear shame, I was safe in your arms
You were there when it all fell apart
I would get so lost in your beautiful lies
I let you go
But you're still chasing

Go ahead
You're never gonna take me
You can bend
But you're never gonna break me
I was yours
I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Dear hate, I know you're not far
You would wait at the door of my heart
I was amazed at the passion in your cries
Dear anger, you made me so high
You were faithful to show up on time
Such a flame that was burning in your eyes
I let you go
But you're still chasing

Go ahead
You're never gonna take me
You can bend
But you're never gonna break me
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead
Put a target on my forehead
You can fire
But you've got no bullet
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

You tempted me to look back
But everything that we had together was a lie

Go ahead
You're never gonna take me
You can bend
But you're never gonna break me
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead
Put a target on my forehead
You can fire
But you've got no bullet
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead
Put a target on my forehead
You can fire
But you've got no bullet
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

The Desire for God

Paragraph 27 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church states "The desire for God is written in the human heart, because man is created by God and for God; and God never ceases to draw man to himself. Only in God will he find the truth and happiness he never stops searching for." AMEN TO THAT!!!

I was texting my friend Dan tonight. He told me he's been feeling empty lately. I know exactly how he feels. I used to feel so empty. When I would pray the Rosary with the Catholic group at Xavier, I never felt anything. I was like a robot spitting out words, words I didn't really even believe in at that point in my life. I was so lost. I tried so hard to have faith, but I was at a point in my life where I wasn't ready for God to work in my life. I still wanted to be in control. It wasn't until I started asking God to help me in major decisions and LISTENING to His response that my heart changed. It was not an overnight change. It was a long, sometimes frustrating, and sometimes painful process, but I asked God to show His love to me and eventually, He did. It took an 8-page angry letter to Him, talking to Fr. Greg for over a year on a regular basis about God, transferring to Franciscan, removing certain people from my life, etc. It was a long process to be "filled" again, but God filled me. I know there will by spiritually dry points again in my life, but right now, I'm overflowing with God's love and just want to share it with people! I think that's why I'm so intent on getting Dan to fix his relationship with God. I know how happy I am with my relationship with God and I want more than anything for others to see how God can change lives. Once someone genuinely experiences the love of God, they are never the same. I know when I was 15 and God finally became real to me, I was never the same. I never went back to where I was before then. Yeah, I had a dry period of like 3 years, but never did I give up on my faith. I always kept going, and now that I'm filled, I'm happier than ever. I don't know if you noticed it, but I changed the little description of my blog. It used to say "A college student's struggle with faith and self-injury." Now, it says "A hardcore Catholic college student's struggle with self-injury" because it's not a struggle with faith anymore.

There's a song called "God-Shaped Hole" and the chorus is so true. It says "There's a God-shaped hole in all of us and the restless soul is searching. There's a God-shaped hole in all of us. It's a void only He can fill." Blaise Pascal once said “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every person, and it can never be filled by any created thing. It can only be filled by God, made known through Jesus Christ.” I tried to fill that emptiness with so many other things: cutting, drugs, and drinking. That void wasn't filled by anything except God. I know nothing can ever fill that void but Him.

"Come Home" - Meredith Andrews

This song...Oh man. This song is what I imagine God saying to me A LOT. It shows how much God wants each and every one of us to turn away from our sinful ways and "Come Home." The lyrics in bold hit me the hardest.



It hurts me to see you this way
I can't sleep, I'm lying awake
Wondering what you're battling tonight
You've bought into all of the lies
And you've buried your fears inside
Haunted by a past you can't erase

What will it take
There's no mistaking
Only one place you belong

Please come home
Please come home
The door is open wide
You don't have to fix your life for me
I die a little every time that you leave
So come home

Your voice rings inside my ears
I'm fighting to hold back the tears
How can I make you see while there's still time

What will it take
There's no mistaking
Only one place you belong

Please come home
Please come home
The door is open wide
You don't have to fix your life for me
I die a little every time that you leave
So come home

You're not a disappointment to me
You're just like the rest of us
Struggling through the journey
I don't care what secrets you may keep
I could never love you less
Than all the love inside of me

Please come home
Please come home
The door is open wide
You don't have to fix your life for me
I die a little every time that you leave
So come home

The Importance of the Eucharist

Fr. Greg posted this on his blog today. It explains the importance of the Eucharist better than I ever could!

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"Dear brothers and sisters, in the school of the saints, let us be enamored of this sacrament!” Pope Benedict XVI recently wrote these words as an exhortation for Catholics to fall in love with the Eucharist. Right on, Holy Father! It has been especially as a priest who offers the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass daily that I am enamored of this sacrament. In my thanksgiving after Mass, I constantly say to the Lord that I am not worthy to offer, celebrate, participate, share in, and receive the Eucharist. I am truly unworthy to be the vessel through which Consecration happens by the power of the Holy Spirit.

"Let us willingly and frequently converse, face to face, in the company of the Most Blessed Sacrament!" I was speaking about this with a woman yesterday who I am preparing to receive the Sacrament of Confirmation. We spent the prior two meetings talking about the Eucharist, Mass, and Adoration. One of the main points of our discussion was that conversing in the company of the Most Blessed Sacrament is so personal, so life-changing. Adoration is such a powerful experience of the presence of God and so needed for each one of us. When we are praying face-to-face with the Eucharist, we should be enamored of this encounter: we are looking at the Body of Christ, the Son of God! People who put themselves in this situation are not just enamored at what they are looking; they are often enamored of the overwhelming experience of peace and joy. It truly is the Real Presence of Christ. It truly is the Real Presence of Peace and Joy. We all long for the peace and joy of Christ; we find it in the Eucharist.

It is a tremendous gift to see people every day being enamored of the Blessed Sacrament. We have about 40 people who attend our daily Mass at the Newman Center. Many of them are workers in the area who take their lunch break to attend Holy Mass. They truly live out the reflection of the Holy Father: "Let us understand well why St. Thomas and other saints celebrated the Holy Mass shedding tears of compassion for the Lord, who offers himself in sacrifice for us, tears of joy and of gratitude…Let us participate in the Holy Mass with recollection to obtain its spiritual fruits, let us nourish ourselves on the Body and Blood of the Lord, to be incessantly nourished by divine grace!”

It has also been a blessing to read comments of bloggers over the years who are enamored of the Eucharist. One blogger recently wrote the following:


Over the last four years, I’ve been fortunate enough to begin to discover the intricacies of the Eucharist. What I’m learning is that the understanding the Eucharist is not a one time, “I get it” moment - it’s a culmination of many “I get it” moments.

A few years ago I heard the bread of life discourse mentioned in a homily. I didn’t know what the priest was talking about. I kept my ignorance (and pride) to myself and went on-line to see what I could learn. I found an article that referenced a prayer by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, a French Jesuit philosopher that I’d never heard of. Teilhard de Chardin’s prayer is heavy reading, but after reading it a few times, the end of his second sentence jumped out at me.

“Lord God, when I go up to your altar for communion, grant that I might derive from it a discernment of the infinite perspectives hidden beneath the smallness and closeness of the host within which you are concealed. Already I have accustomed myself to recognize beneath the inertness of the morsel of bread a consuming power which, as the greatest doctors of your Church have said, far from being absorbed into me, absorbs me into itself.”

When I read, “…far from being absorbed into me, absorbs me into itself” I felt like I’d been hit on the head with a 4x 4. I realized I’d been approaching communion with the thought of Christ becoming part of me but never, ever thought in terms of me becoming part of Christ. John 6: 56, “Whoever eats my Flesh and drinks my Blood remains in me and I in him” took on a whole new meaning for me. At that moment, I realized the obligation that comes with my assent, my “Amen” to the priest’s, “…through Him, with Him and In Him…”.

A second truth that I believe the Eucharist reveals has to do with suffering. Pain and suffering are something I have a hard time grasping and embracing. I was thinking about the Eucharist I realized that when I receive Christ’s body, I have to be willing to take the whole package –the good, the bad and the ugly. I know I want the salvation end of His deal, the good stuff – who wouldn’t want eternal life surrounded by nothing but calm and love? But, at that moment, I realized that suffering goes hand in hand with salvation. It's all part of eternal life. Somehow the suffering we all endure made a little more sense.

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Amen to everything he said! The Eucharist is an absolutely vital part of my life. It makes my days easier. Heck, my household is the Servants of the Eucharistic Heart of Jesus!

"Can Anybody Here Me" - Meredith Andrews

Here's the thing about this song...It totally hits home for me because during those times when I question God, sometimes I wonder if He really can hear me. Let me make one clarification: I don't doubt the existence of God. If there wasn't a God, I would've been dead a long time ago. He's done so many radical things in my life that I know 100% that He exists. When I say I question God, I mean that I question whether or not He's right here or a million miles away. Sometimes, I experience feelings of abandonment and feel like God just left me here to fend for myself. I'm finding more and more often that I don't have these feelings. I think it's mostly becuase I go to daily Mass. You can't be closer to God than when He is within you, after you've consumed the Eucharist. That's why it's so important. With the strong devotion I have to the Eucharist, I'm sure I'll write a blog on the importance of the Eucharist later.

Again, the bold lyrics are the ones that hit me the hardest




I’m staring at these empty walls
Wondering when You’ll visit me again
When will You come?
If there is anything at all
Coming in between our love
Please show me, ‘cuz I am barely hanging on
Can anybody hear me?
The silence is deafening
Why do You feel so far away?
When I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love

Believing what I can’t see
Has never come naturally to me
And I’ve got questions
But I am certain of a Love
Strong enough to hold me when I’m doubting
You’ll never let go of my hand

Can anybody hear me?
The silence is deafening
Why do You feel so far away?
When I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love

I will trust in You, even in the moments
I can’t find you, and I will hold on to
Your promises of love
You’ve never failed before

I know You can hear me
When the silence is deafening
Even though You seem far away
And I know You’re here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love