Looking Back

The other night, I went back to my first post and read every single on of them all the way through. I'm not really sure exactly why I did it, but I know that it was kinda hard to do, but it was really good that I did it. From reading my own words, I could tell what a bad place I was in when I was at Xavier and how I've changed so much. I remembered how I felt when I wrote the words. Some people tell me that they can't even believe that I'm the same person. I know in some of my posts I sound really depressed and stuff, but I can honestly say that I'm happier than I have been in a long time. Yes, I still cut sometimes, but I'm not cutting nearly as bad as I used to. For example, my lowest point was probably when I was at Xavier and one night I'd had WAY too much to drink (alcohol became my way of coping with stuff) and I cut my wrist. I went unconscious and woke up on the bathroom floor of my dorm room in a puddle of my own blood. I should have died that night, but for some reason, God kept me alive, and I'm very glad He did.

I still struggle with letting people know when something is wrong. Anyone can ask me if I'm okay and it barely takes any effort to convince them that I'm fine and nothing's wrong. That's probably not a good skill to have, but I do it. But I hit a pretty low point last weekend when I carved the word "LIAR" into my leg as a result of an argument between me and a friend. During my time at Xavier, he was on of my closest friends. He felt I'd lied to him about something and I let what he said just stir in my head and eventually I started to believe it and cut the word into my leg. It sucks having to see that everyday, but I'm hoping that with time and God's healing power, the scars and emotional wounds will fade. Oh, he and I are fine now. We got it all worked out. He and I actually read through all the blog posts together and kinda talked about them over Facebook chat. It was really nice to have a friend there who knows all the stuff on here. I don't tell most people I have a blog.

If you had asked me when I was at Xavier if I'd live to see 20, I would have told you no. But through God's incredible graces, my awesome friends, Fr. Greg, and many other factors, I'm still very alive and kickin. Hahaha. People's 20th birthdays aren't usually a big deal. Mine was for me because I honestly didn't think I'd live to see it. Heck, things got bad enough after I had ankle surgery and I wondered if I was even gonna live to make it to Franciscan. Now, the thought of taking my own life isn't even in my head. Yeah, sometimes I want to give up, but giving up isn't an option. As I read back through the posts, I realized how much I let myself be defined by what I did, not actually who I was. I don't let the fact that I cut define me anymore. I used to think I'd never be anything more than a cutter, but with God's help as well as everything else He has blessed me with, I know I am so much more than that. Another thing I noticed was how before, my life was all about me. Now, I'm a 20-year-old college student who wants to do everything for the greater glory of God. It's not about me anymore. I never should have thought that way because I'm His creation, His servant, and His instrument. I am His, 100% completely and I wouldn't want to belong to anyone else.

"My Help Comes From The Lord" - The Museum

I've become a really big fan of this song lately. I really do gain strength from the Lord. The days that I go to daily Mass are much easier than the days that I don't. Plus, when I take time out of my night to go to either the chapel here or even sometimes to one of the churches in town where there's Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament, my nights are easier. I know that if He's given me this cross to bear, He's given me the strength to get through it. So, praise Him!



When sorrows come and hope seems gone
You’re the Rock I rest upon
When waters rise and I can’t breathe
You’re the love that rescues me

Out of the darkness
I lift up my eyes
Unto the hills
I feel my faith rise

Chorus
Maker of heaven, giver of life
You are my strength, my song in the night
My refuge, my shelter
Now and forevermore
My help comes from the Lord

When I’m broken, scarred by sin
Death gives way to life again
When I suffer, when I’m bound
In You I’m free, in You I’m found

Out of the darkness
I lift up my eyes
Unto the hills
I feel my faith rise

Chorus

Maker of heaven, giver of life
You are my strength
You’re my refuge
Now and forevermore

Chorus

My help comes from the Lord
My help comes from the Lord

Signs of Survival

This was a secret from yesterday's PostSecret. It really hit me hard. I texted one of my friends from Franciscan who used to cut and told her she had to see it. I told her I look forward to the day I look at my scars as a sign that I survived, and when that day comes, she'll be the first to know. She said that I'd be the first to know when she feels that way about her scars. Praise Him for bringing her into my life and having her constantly remind me I'm not alone.

Random Thoughts

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately. I just haven't really been in the mood to write out how I've been feeling. I'm still struggling with cutting. It's getting more and more frustrating as time goes on. I had a friend explain Theophostic prayer to me the other day and it's sounding like it'd be really good. Fr. Mike actually said something to me about it during our first session of spiritual direction. The biggest question on my heart lately has been why I'm still struggling with cutting. It's been almost 2 years. I've seen 4 counselors, and nothing's changed. I don't know. I'm just ready to quit trying to stop and just accept that I can't stop. I don't want to do that, but I'm so sick of trying and failing. Here's a song that's kept me going lately and reminded me that no matter what the season is, God is still God and I have a reason to praise Him.




This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

"For Those Who Wait" - Fireflight

This is for those who wait

Another day another waiting game
A little different but it’s still the same
I am here but where's the One I’m longing for
I’m having trouble feeling all alone
Will my heart ever find a home
I want to hope but sometimes I just don’t know
I know I’m not the only one

So we sing a lullaby
To the lonely hearts tonight
Let it set your heart on fire
Let it set you free
When you’re fighting to believe in a love that you can’t see
Just know there is a purpose
For those who wait

I want to open up my eyes
I know that all I need is time
I’m growing stronger every single day
God, I’m gonna lead them to You now
Letting go all of my fear and doubt
I can’t do this on my own so I’ll give You control
I know I’m not the only one

So we sing a lullaby
To the lonely hearts tonight
Let it set your heart on fire
Let it set you free
When you’re fighting to believe in a love that you can’t see
Just know there is a purpose
For those who wait

The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference

The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
And the difference makes it worth it

So we sing a lullaby
To the lonely hearts tonight
Let it set your heart on fire
Let it set you free
When you’re fighting to believe in a love that you can’t see
Just know there is a purpose
For those who wait

Set your heart on fire
This is for those who wait

Time with Fr. Michael Scanlan

Things have been kinda weird lately. Well, I cut last week and again last night. I've been beating myself up about it pretty bad. I went to Confession to Fr. Dominic on Tuesday and he explained to me that when it comes to addictions, it's not all about just the action. Most of it's about how we react. When I cut, I beat myself up about it so much. You wouldn't even believe some of the stuff that goes through my head. So, I'm working on thinking more of myself.

I met with Fr. Mike for spiritual direction this morning. I cannot even tell you how much that man has changed my life. Fr. Michael Scanlan is a pretty famous priest and I don't know how he ended up being my spiritual director, but I'm so glad he is. As I sat up in the friary today waiting for him, I was looking out into the courtyard. In the courtyard of the Holy Spirit Friary, there is a statue of St. Francis at the foot of the cross. Jesus is reaching down and hugging him. It's life size, so it's really cool. So I really started thinking and I said to Jesus, "I'm sorry for cutting last night. I love you." Right at that moment, Fr. Mike walked around the corner and we went into one of the offices in the friary. He looked into my eyes and said, "I know why you're here. You're sick of struggling, aren't you?" My jaw must have dropped because he let out a little laugh and said, "You don't have to worry, Catherine." So we talked. I explained to him how I've been to four different counselors in the last 2 years and how I'm so sick of it. He said he didn't blame me, gave me some advice, and then he prayed over me. He said an absolutely incredible prayer and as he finished, he said "Give me a hug!" So I hugged him and he said, "Catherine, You're so beautiful. When I see you in Mass, your eyes are so lit up. You've got the Holy Spirit in you. You're so on fire for Him and He's got big plans for you. You've dealt with some junk. You're good. Don't let the junk get you down!"

Fr. Mike makes me feel so loved. He's the cutest little old man and he knows how to make you feel like you're the only person in the world. You look into his eyes and he looks into your soul. He is going to be a saint. No doubt about it.

More Divine Intervention and "You Matter Very Much"

More Divine Intervention occurred earlier this week. It was Tuesday night. I was so close to cutting. I haven't wanted to cut that bad in a long time. I physically felt the longing for the blade. I knew it was a demon trying to get me to give in. It got so bad that I picked up my Rosary and begged Mama Mary to make it go away. I started crying, I was praying so intensely. Then, after like 5 minutes, it went away and I had a huge sense of peace. I felt so loved. It was awesome. The Blessed Mother is consistently rocking my world and I absolutely love it.

On another note, I wanted to post a blog that's on To Write Love On Her Arms' website right now. It was written by the founder, Jamie Tworkowski. It's called "You Matter Very Much" and it really hit home:

"I hope you know you're not the only one who feels the way you feel. You are not the only one who struggles. You are not the only one with questions. You are not crazy. You deserve to be heard, to be known. You deserve love.

You deserve love.

You deserve a place that feels like home. You deserve some hands to hold. Hands to pull you past the broken moments, hands to catch you when you fall. Eyes to see you. To say you're there, that you exist, that you change a room, that your presence is significant. Ears to hear you - hear your stories, hear you laugh. Ears to hear your questions and to say they matter.

Your questions matter.

Maybe call a friend today or invite someone to coffee. Tell someone they matter or tell someone you could use a conversation. Write a letter or ask someone how they're doing. Like a song too much. Feel the drums or get lost in the chorus. It means that you're alive.

It's good that you're alive. Who else could play your part?

i hope you get to a place, wake to a day, where that feels true. You deserve to know it's true.

To Write Love on Her Arms is a community of people with questions and struggles. It is for broken people and it is led by broken people. Life is heavy and light. Life is both. Beauty and pain, aches and dreams... We are saying that it's okay to talk about those things. We are saying that we need to. We are choosing to believe that stories deserve better endings. That hope is real, that help is real, that people need other people.

You are not alone today. You matter very much.

Peace to you.

Jamie"

My friends and I went out for an early birthday celebration today. My 20th birthday is on Sunday, so we decided to go out and celebrate. While at dinner, my friend Martha handed me a box. I opened it and inside of it were letters, written by all of my friends, telling me how much I mean to them. As I read them, I broke down in tears. I love these people so, so, so much. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have made it this far. I am so blessed!!