This place is absolutely incredible. I just thought I'd share with you what went on last night. My really good friend came over and brought his guitar. Then me, my roommate, and 2 of our friends came over. Travis played praise and worship songs on his guitar while the girls sang. This all took place in the lobby of my dorm. Other people even came and joined us. It was incredible. I love being at a school where it's cool to be playing praise and worship songs on the guitar and singing along. Like even right now, there's a girl playing her guitar in the stairwell. Her voice is incredible. But last night was so awesome. It was great to be praising God with such wonderful friends. I love being at a place where "Are you going out tonight?" has been replaced by "Wanna go to Mass then get dinner afterwards?" I really did feel the power of God last night. I NEVER sing in front of people. That's just not what I do. I sing in the car and that's about it. But somehow, Travis got me to sing last night and it was great to be able to bow down to God and just praise His name with such good friends. I love it here. I definitely came to the right school.
I haven't cut 2 weeks and not a single impulse. LIFE IS AWESOME!!!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
First Day of Classes
Well, to be perfectly honest, today was quite overwhelming. I'm so glad to be back in school, don't get me wrong, but being in a completely different place right now is hard. A lot of people told me it would be an adjustment, and I didn't really believe them, but they were so right. It's just been a crazy, busy day.
Today, we had our opening of the semester Mass. It was so amazing. Mass here is so powerful. I love it. Everyone sings and I really can feel the power of God. What's funny is right before Mass, I ran into Fr. Calloway, the priest who has an INCREDIBLE conversion story who I blogged about at the beginning of December. I e-mailed him on Friday night to ask him when he thought he'd be around campus. He said he wasn't sure, so I just figured I'd randomly run into him one day. Well, as my friend Jessie and I were walking out of the student center to go to Mass, guess who walks right in front of me...Fr. Calloway. I called his name and he stopped. I walked over to him and introduced myself and he insantly remembered me. He said he was so glad to finally meet me and he asked me how I liked it here so far. We talked for a few minutes and it was a really fruitful conversation. Fr. Calloway's definitely a man of amazing faith.
I'm also overwhelmed because I feel like everyone here is so strong in their faith, and here I am, as someone who's extremely broken and needs a whole lot of healing. My faith has greatly suffered over the last year and a half. It's juts really hard. I'm praying for healing for my heart right now. That's what I need the most.
Today, we had our opening of the semester Mass. It was so amazing. Mass here is so powerful. I love it. Everyone sings and I really can feel the power of God. What's funny is right before Mass, I ran into Fr. Calloway, the priest who has an INCREDIBLE conversion story who I blogged about at the beginning of December. I e-mailed him on Friday night to ask him when he thought he'd be around campus. He said he wasn't sure, so I just figured I'd randomly run into him one day. Well, as my friend Jessie and I were walking out of the student center to go to Mass, guess who walks right in front of me...Fr. Calloway. I called his name and he stopped. I walked over to him and introduced myself and he insantly remembered me. He said he was so glad to finally meet me and he asked me how I liked it here so far. We talked for a few minutes and it was a really fruitful conversation. Fr. Calloway's definitely a man of amazing faith.
I'm also overwhelmed because I feel like everyone here is so strong in their faith, and here I am, as someone who's extremely broken and needs a whole lot of healing. My faith has greatly suffered over the last year and a half. It's juts really hard. I'm praying for healing for my heart right now. That's what I need the most.
Friday, January 8, 2010
I'm Finally Here!
I moved into my dorm yesterday and started orientation last night. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. Franciscan is so freakin' amazing. Everyone here is on fire for God and it's absolutely incredible. During Mass today, I realized that I am, in fact, in the right place. OMG...This place is so holy it's AWESOME!!!!! I finally feel like I've found where I belong. When I used to go to daily Mass at Xavier, a lot of times I'd get looks from people as I walked into the chapel, but here, literally everyone goes to daily Mass. I'm not uncomfortable to admit I'm Catholic and that I'm into my faith. Here, I know there's no way I can't not grow closer to God. This is the change I've needed for the last year and a half. I feel like I belong here. I kind of felt like I belonged at Xavier, but there was something missing. There was something missing in my life and now I've realized that it was God. I was not at a place where my faith was being nurtured. Here, they're main mission is to nurture each student's faith.
The theme for the 2009-2010 school year is Matthew 16:24, which says, "Whoever wished to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me." How crazy is that? That's totally what I've had to do. I had to deny all my fear about leaving Xavier and leaving my comfort zone. I had to take up my cross, which was definitely cutting and follow Him. I followed God's call away from Xavier and now I'm so happy. I know I've only been here for like 24 hours, but it feels right already. I can just tell.
The theme for the 2009-2010 school year is Matthew 16:24, which says, "Whoever wished to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me." How crazy is that? That's totally what I've had to do. I had to deny all my fear about leaving Xavier and leaving my comfort zone. I had to take up my cross, which was definitely cutting and follow Him. I followed God's call away from Xavier and now I'm so happy. I know I've only been here for like 24 hours, but it feels right already. I can just tell.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Secrets and Regrets - Pillar
I heard this song for the first time a little while ago. I was driving home from my last physical therapy appointment (YAY!! lol) and I was about to change the station but something told me not to. I'm glad I didn't.
No matter how hard you try to
You can't make the clock rewind to
The moment that you lied to yourself
It never really mattered how they felt
Your secrets and regrets
Are keeping you from going very far
And you can't let all this get you down
And keep you living in the dark
'Cause all you're looking for is love
You're living in the dark
You just can't get enough
Your secrets and regrets
You're holding on this pain inside you
Can't seem to leave it all behind you
Tomorrow it'll be today soon
Don't wait until it's too late to move
Your secrets and regrets
Are keeping you from going very far
And you can't let all this get you down
And keep you living in the dark
'Cause all you're looking for is love
You're living in the dark
You just can't get enough
Your secrets and regrets
How many times do you need second chances?
Not everybody gets a another second chance
How many times do you need second chances?
Not everybody gets another second chance, second chance
Your secrets and regrets
Are keeping you from going very far
And you can't let all this get you down
And keep you living in the dark
'Cause all you're looking for is love
You're living in the dark
You just can't get enough
Your secrets and regrets
It's no more secrets, no regrets
It's no more secrets, no regrets
No living in the dark, no living in the dark
No living in the dark, no living in the dark
No matter how hard you try to
You can't make the clock rewind to
The moment that you lied to yourself
It never really mattered how they felt
Your secrets and regrets
Are keeping you from going very far
And you can't let all this get you down
And keep you living in the dark
'Cause all you're looking for is love
You're living in the dark
You just can't get enough
Your secrets and regrets
You're holding on this pain inside you
Can't seem to leave it all behind you
Tomorrow it'll be today soon
Don't wait until it's too late to move
Your secrets and regrets
Are keeping you from going very far
And you can't let all this get you down
And keep you living in the dark
'Cause all you're looking for is love
You're living in the dark
You just can't get enough
Your secrets and regrets
How many times do you need second chances?
Not everybody gets a another second chance
How many times do you need second chances?
Not everybody gets another second chance, second chance
Your secrets and regrets
Are keeping you from going very far
And you can't let all this get you down
And keep you living in the dark
'Cause all you're looking for is love
You're living in the dark
You just can't get enough
Your secrets and regrets
It's no more secrets, no regrets
It's no more secrets, no regrets
No living in the dark, no living in the dark
No living in the dark, no living in the dark
Music Speaks What Cannot Be Expressed
So if you couldn't already tell from all my other posts about songs, I'm really into music that expresses how I feel. I have a really hard time putting my feelings into words most of the time, and songs like "Fight Inside" by Red or "Cut" by Plumb really put some of my feelings into words. This quote describes it really well: "Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul." I've always been really into music. It's a rare occasion I'm not listening to music. Even right now, I'm listening to Lady Gaga. Haha. I don't like silence, so I think that's a big reason I've always got noise going on.
I heard a song as I was driving today. It's called "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets. It really got me thinking. I've been asking God to show me that things really are going to be okay. This song was pretty much the sign I was looking for.
Three in the morning
And I'm still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing
Just what I'd say
If we were face to face
I'd tell you just what you mean to me
I'd tell you these simple truths
Be strong in the Lord and
Never give up hope
You're going to do great things
I already know
God's got His hand on you so
Don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say
Last time we spoke
You said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart
I want to tell you
That I keep on praying
Love will find you where you are
I know cause I've already been there
So please hear these simple truths
Be strong in the Lord and
Never give up hope
You're going to do great things
I already know
God's got His hand on you so
Don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say
From one simple life to another
I will say
Come find peace in the Father
Be strong in the Lord and
Never give up hope
You're going to do great things
I already know
God's got His hand on you so
Don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
Thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say
I heard a song as I was driving today. It's called "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets. It really got me thinking. I've been asking God to show me that things really are going to be okay. This song was pretty much the sign I was looking for.
Three in the morning
And I'm still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing
Just what I'd say
If we were face to face
I'd tell you just what you mean to me
I'd tell you these simple truths
Be strong in the Lord and
Never give up hope
You're going to do great things
I already know
God's got His hand on you so
Don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say
Last time we spoke
You said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart
I want to tell you
That I keep on praying
Love will find you where you are
I know cause I've already been there
So please hear these simple truths
Be strong in the Lord and
Never give up hope
You're going to do great things
I already know
God's got His hand on you so
Don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say
From one simple life to another
I will say
Come find peace in the Father
Be strong in the Lord and
Never give up hope
You're going to do great things
I already know
God's got His hand on you so
Don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
Thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say
Sunday, January 3, 2010
The Size Of The Blade Doesn't Matter
Well, I did something REALLY stupid yesterday. I went and bought box cutter blades for the sole purpose of cutting myself with them. It was a huge lapse in judgement. I'm trying to figure out why the hell I did it. I was in a weird state of mind yesterday. It's like it wasn't me. I could have pretty easily killed myself with a box cutter blade. Those things are freakin' dangerous. I cut with them yesterday and got rid of them today. I took them to Fr. Robert a few hours ago. When he saw them, he was like "Are you kidding me? Catherine, these could have done some serious damage. What the hell were you thinking?" I almost showed him my left forearm, but didn't. No matter how big the blade is, serious emotional damage is done every time.
Now that I officially have no more blades in the house, I'm beginning to start freaking out. My coping mechanism is gone...completely gone. I've been cutting for almost 15 months now and all of the sudden, I've got nothing. I'm wondering if I'm really ready for this or not. I'm trying to believe that it's all going to be okay once I get to school. I'm trying to completely rely on God. I've prayed the prayer to St. Michael the Archangel a few times already when I can feel the impulses coming on. I'm praying that the impulses don't get so bad that I resort to a kitchen knife. Talk about doing some damage. I'm just trying to stay calm and not go insane.
I'm really trying to trust in this verse right now: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10
Now that I officially have no more blades in the house, I'm beginning to start freaking out. My coping mechanism is gone...completely gone. I've been cutting for almost 15 months now and all of the sudden, I've got nothing. I'm wondering if I'm really ready for this or not. I'm trying to believe that it's all going to be okay once I get to school. I'm trying to completely rely on God. I've prayed the prayer to St. Michael the Archangel a few times already when I can feel the impulses coming on. I'm praying that the impulses don't get so bad that I resort to a kitchen knife. Talk about doing some damage. I'm just trying to stay calm and not go insane.
I'm really trying to trust in this verse right now: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Why - Rascal Flatts
This is an incredible song by Rascal Flatts about suicide. Whenever I start to think about taking my own life, I put it on my iPod and turn it way up. It reminds me that life IS worth the fight.
It must have been a place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reaching for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd
Oh why, that's what keep I asking
Was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
God only knows what went wrong
and why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song
Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen as a 17-year-old
Rounding third to score the winning run
You always played with passion, no matter what the game
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun
Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh, I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
God only knows what went wrong
and why you would leave the stage in the middle of a song
Now the oak trees are swaying in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
Tangled thoughts I hear the mocking bird sing
This old world really ain't that bad a place
There's no comprehending and who am I to try judge or explain?
But I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasnt worth the fight?
They were wrong
They lied
Now your gone and we cry
It's just not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song
It must have been a place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reaching for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd
Oh why, that's what keep I asking
Was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
God only knows what went wrong
and why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song
Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen as a 17-year-old
Rounding third to score the winning run
You always played with passion, no matter what the game
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun
Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh, I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
God only knows what went wrong
and why you would leave the stage in the middle of a song
Now the oak trees are swaying in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
Tangled thoughts I hear the mocking bird sing
This old world really ain't that bad a place
There's no comprehending and who am I to try judge or explain?
But I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasnt worth the fight?
They were wrong
They lied
Now your gone and we cry
It's just not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song
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