Thank God For Friends

Three posts in one day...Yeah, it's just been one of those crazy days. I just cut and I'm feeling better, yet worse. I'm crying my eyes out right now because I've been talking to my amazing friend John. I admitted to him that I just cut and he gave me some massive tough love. Here's what he said, "Right now you need to choose. I'm making you choose...me or the blade...your friends or the blade...life or the blade...the decision is yours. I'll always be here for you, but I'm not going to hurt you." At that point, I started crying because I know he's right. I can't keep doing this: turning to the blade every time something goes wrong. Accidents happen, he reminded me. I don't want to accidentally slip and cut too deep. I don't want to die. I've got too much to live for...I could NEVER to that to my family, especially my little sister, or my friends, and I have so much to look forward to at Franciscan (that is if I get in). I'm done. No more. John was right. I've made my choice. I responded to John's tough love with this: "You, John. I want you, my friends, family, and LIFE. Fuck the blade. It's only ever hurt me. It's never done anything for me except make my life fucking miserable." So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do everything I can to stop cutting.

A priest once told me that if you ask God to do anything in His name it will happen, so tonight, I'm praying that in God's name, I get the strength and perseverance I need to stop cutting for good.

Whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. -John 14:13

When She Cries - Britt Nicole

I found this when I was messing around on YouTube today and WOW...It made me cry.



Little girl terrified
She'd leave her room if only bruises would heal
A home is no place to hide
Her heart is breaking from the pain that she feels

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She wonders why, does anyone ever hear her when she cries

Today she's turning sixteen
Everyone singing, but she can't seem to smile
They never get past arms length
How could they act like everything is alright?
She's pulling down her long sleeves
To cover all the memories that scars leave
She says, "Maybe making me bleed
will be the answer that could wash the slate clean."

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She wonders why, does anyone ever hear her when she cries

This is the dark before the dawn
The storm before the peace
Don't be afraid 'cause seasons change and
God is watching over you
He hears you

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries
She'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries

Drama, Drama, Drama

Wow...I can't even explain how CRAZY yesterday was. Everything came crashing down. I haven't cried that much in a long time...Surprisingly enough, I didn't cut. I didn't because I promised my best friend I wouldn't. Right now, I'm just praying that I NEVER have a day like yesterday ever again. Fr. Graham, the president of Xavier, said during a homily once that he says a 4 word prayer multiple times a day: Keep me going, Lord. I seriously think I've said this prayer 20 times already today and it's only 10:30am. I'm sure I'll get to 100 by physics lab this afternoon. Haha. I realized yesterday that I can't wait to leave Xavier. I'm SO ready to go to Franciscan. I know there's a lot less drama there. I wish I was there now, but the next 9 weeks will go fast enough, I'm sure.

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. -Matthew 6:34

I Cut Last Night

Well, my happiness came to a quick halt last night. I have what I like to call an "OH SHIT!" moment. I applied to Franciscan last night and then I thought "Oh shit! What am I doing?" I know I'm going to continue to have those moments. Because of everything that was going on last night, I cut. It was a relief of all the stress. I didn't know what else to do. I called Fr. Robert and he got me calmed down enough to go to Mass but after Mass, everything came crashing down.

I'm on the verge of cutting right now. I'm just really stressed because if this and now I've got other drama in my life. Chances are, no matter what, I'll probably cut again tonight. I'm having trouble getting my homework done because of the impulses. I guess we'll see...

It's been a while...

Sorry. I know it's been a while. Well, last Sunday I talked to my parents about transferring and my dad said something I NEVER expected to hear. I said to him "Dad...I think I need to leave Xavier" and he goes "Yeah..I've been waiting for this conversation." I realized that dads know EVERYTHING, even when you haven't seen him in weeks.

Well, I visited Franciscan University of Steubenville yesterday and absolutely fell in love with it. It's UBER Catholic, my kinda place. Haha. I will be applying soon. Steubenville is such a holy place, it's AMAZING!!!!! I cannot wait. I'm pretty sure I won't have any trouble getting in. The head of the Catechetics Department, who I met yesterday, seemed to think it'll just be a few weeks until I find out. If I did get in, I'll be starting there next semester. While visiting campus, I ran into my friend Sam who transferred to Franciscan from Xavier at the beginning of this year. She knew I was coming to campus, but my dad and I ran into her when we were walking into the library. It was hilarious. We were like "WAIT!!! IT'S YOU!!!!" It made me smile. On my way home yesterday, I texted her and told her thanks for showing me around and letting me see her dorm room. She sent me a text back that I will never forget. She said "Girl, thanks for following your heart even though it's hard! You'll love it here!!" I'm so excited and I can't wait to be a Baron!!! :)

Oh, and I haven't cut in 8 days and I don't plan on cutting again anytime soon :)

Falling, yet again

Even though this weekend was amazing, I've gotten extremely overwhelmed and, as much as I regret it, I've cut and REALLY bad. Now that it's cold and I can wear long sleeves, my forearm is all slashed up. I even went to the point of carving the word "failure" into my wrist. This to me is a sign that I can't wait much longer to talk to my parents about transferring schools. I'm scared because I know that if something doesn't change, I'm not going to live to graduate college. Last night, I did everything I know to do to keep myself distracted. I said the St. Michael the Archangel Prayer like 10 times. It's a totally kick-ass prayer. It goes like this: St. Michael the Archangel,defend us in battle. Be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the Devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do thou, O Prince of the heavenly hosts, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan, and all the evil spirits, who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.

So yeah, it's been a shitty last few days, but I'm moving on. I cut so now it's time to start over again.

Storm - Lifehouse

I stumbled upon this song when I was screwing around on YouTube today. It's AMAZING. It's called "Storm" by Lifehouse.



How long have I
Been in this storm
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything will be alright
If I'd see you
The storminess will turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright
And everything will be alright

I know you didn't
Bring me out here to drown
So why am I 10 feet under and upside down?
Barely surviving has become my purpose
'Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything will be alright
If I see you
The storminess will turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
You will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
Everything's alright.