One Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

Well, my "huge" step to recovery didn't last too long...Some crap happened today and I ended up taking apart a razor and cutting with the blades. My forearm is now covered in cuts from 2 inches below my wrist to almost my elbow...It's not a pretty sight. I know I shouldn't have, but I just got so overwhelmed. I'm trying to figure out how to tell Fr. Robert or really even if I want to. Right now, I just feel like a hopeless case. Nothing is giving me enough reason to quit. I know it hurts the people I love and I know it could kill me, but for some reason, that's not enough. I absolutely HATE that I haven't found a reason to quit. It's really, really frustrating. I cannot even describe how frustrated I am with myself right now. I know Fr. Robert's frustrated with me, but I know he knows this isn't something I can really help. But here's the thing...take Fr. Robert's frustration and multiply it by like 10. That's how frustrated I am with myself. For some reason, I'm constantly going back to the blade. It's making me feel like I'm never going to be able to stop.

A HUGE Step Toward Recovery

So today, I took a HUGE step towards stopping my self-injury. I am really good friends with one of the priests at my church, Fr. Robert. He and I had quite a long conversation yesterday. He told me that this has got to stop or this is going to kill me. Of course, I already knew that, but having someone else tell me made me realize how serious this all really is. Fr. Robert is genuinely concerned about me and I could tell when he said that to me yesterday. His tone absolutely broke my heart. I almost started crying. So last night, I decided I was going to get rid of my blades. Before I came to this conclusion, I did end up cutting. There was a lot of drama that occurred last night. It was ridiculous. But when I was done cutting, I decided that I was going to get rid of the blades. I tried so hard to throw them away, but I just couldn't. I just couldn't drop the blades into the trash can, so I e-mailed Fr. Robert and asked him if he'd do me a favor. I asked him if I stopped by his office and gave him the blades, would he get rid of them for me. He gladly accepted and as soon as I walked into his office this afternoon, the first thing he said to me was "Give them to me, NOW!" I hesitated for a second and then handed all 4 blades to him. He took them and put them in a drawer and locked the drawer.

By giving Fr. Robert my blades, I no longer have anything to cut with. It was extremely hard for me to give them to him today, but I knew that it had to be done. I also promised him that I would not cut the rest of the time I am at home. I am not one to break promises, so I know for sure that I will not be cutting for the next week and a half.


And you will know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. They answered Him, "We are Abraham's descendants and have never yet been enslaved to anyone; how is it that You say, 'You will become free'?" Jesus answered them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son does remain forever. So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed."
- John 8:32-36

The Way She Feels - Between The Trees

This song is an incredible one. I cannot even describe how it makes me feel. Between The Trees isn't technically a Christian band, but this song definitely involves God at the end. It also reminds me a lot of my conversations with John. It's just an incredible song. The music video was put together by Between The Trees and the INCREDIBLE organization, To Write Love On Her Arms.



Shes upset
Bad day
Heads for the dresser drawer to
Drive her pain away
Nothing good can come of this.
She opens it theres nothing there
Is only left over tears
Mom and dad had no right she screams
As the anger runs down both of her cheeks.

Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries

All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Bite the lip just forget the bleeding

Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries [x2]

Curled up shes on the floor
Relief left her she had hoped for something more
From it (hoped for something more)
From it
He leans down to comfort her
She is weeping and He
Wraps His arms around
And around and around and...
The deeper you cut
The deeper I hurt
The deeper you cut
It only gets worse

Now shes slowly opening...
New eyes...

Then she opened her eyes
And found relief through His life
And put down her knives

Then she opened her life
And found relief through His eyes
And put down
She put down her life

Forgiveness

My friend sent me this picture today. It almost made me cry. It's now the background of my phone.

I have HUGE issues with forgiveness. It doesn't take me long to forgive others, but when it comes to forgiving myself, yeah right. It took me 2 1/2 years after I stopped cutting in high school for me to forgive myself. I was at a Steubenville youth conference in Atlanta when God finally gave me the grace to forgive myself. I haven't stopped cutting, so right now, me forgiving myself is almost out of the question. I have to quit first. I asked Fr. Greg once why it's so hard for people to forgive themselves and he told me it's because people don't understand God's forgiveness. Then he challenged me to go to Confession weekly for the next year. If you don't know this by now, I trust Fr. Greg more than almost anyone. Therefore, I'm going to do my absolute best to do it. So far, so good. This past summer, he asked me to go to Adoration everyday for 30 days and he promised I'd be changed. He was right. I did it for all 30 days, even though at one point things got REALLY bad. I almost quit going because I was so angry with God. So what I did was I went for like 15 minutes a day and let God hear it. I was so angry that a lot of times I would start to cry. I told God how angry I was at Him, I asked Him how He could let all this crap constantly come back in my life, etc. After 30 days, things did get better. That's why I'm open to weekly Confession for a year. It might sound like a lot, but I really know it's not. Fr. Greg told me I had to be open to God's grace if this weekly Confession is going to work. I'm doing my absolute best to be as open as possible. Forgiving myself is just not something I'm good at. Fr. Greg said that as soon as I feel God's forgiveness, I'll be able to forgive myself. So, I'm giving this a shot. I guess we'll see where it goes.

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." -Lewis B. Smedes

I'm My Own Worst Enemy

Being a self-injurer, I can tell you that I am my own worst enemy. I basically torture myself. It's so weird. No one is a harsher critic of me than myself. I'm always beating myself up when I do something stupid, make a mistake, or cut. There's a song by Red called "Fight Inside" which pretty much describes the internal fight that goes on inside me. One part of me is always saying "Don't cut. You know it only makes things worse." The other part of me says "It's 5 minutes of relief. That's better than nothing." So basically, there's a fight going on inside me.



Enemy, familiar friend
My beginning and my end
Knowing truth
Whispering lies, and it hurts again

What I fear, what I try
The words I say and what I hide
All the pain; I want it to end
But I want it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's still the same
Pursuing pain
Isn't worth the light I've gained
We both know how this will end
But I do it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again
And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without you
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's nothing
(It's everything)
It's nothing
(It's everything)
It's nothing
(It's everything)
It's nothing
It's everything!

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again
And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without you
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's breaking me!
It's breaking me!

I'm falling apart!
I'm falling apart!

New Year Spiritual Resolutions

I helped out with my church's youth group last night. We had a Christmas party that was OFF THE HOOK!! First, we went to Adoration and did a sweet reflection on the Parable of the Sower. It was pretty awesome to have Jesus there as we read His words. After we read the parable, we were given 4 questions to think about. I figured I'd share them and my answers with you.

1) What is my life like right now? The path, the rocky ground, the thorns, or good soil?
-My life is definitely the thorns right now. I'm always having experiences (like tonight) where my faith is strengthened, but then something ALWAYS happens to make me fall away again.

2)What were the ways in which I cultivates a place for God in my life?
-Getting very involved with Life After Sunday, the Catholic group on Xavier's campus (A Catholic group on a Catholic college campus...Weird, I know), going on the Eyes of Faith retreat, where the idea of going to Steubenville was first planted in my head, going on Credo, listening to God and deciding to go to Steubenville.

3) What have been the things in life that have led me further from God this year?
-Cutting, drinking, suicidal thoughts, never taking time to pray

4) What can I do to cultivate my life to receive Jesus more in 2010?
-STOP CUTTING, pray more, get professional help for cutting, quit living my life for myself,m read more Scripture

After the reflection, I went and talked to my friend, Russ, who's about to be ordained a deacon in the spring. He knows about my cutting because he was on the retreat over the summer where I gave my testimony. He and I talked for a while about what's going on. I explained how I wasn't sure if I was going to Steubenville because I wanted to or because God wanted me to. He told me it really didn't matter because I'm going to an INCREDIBLE place and holiness just radiates from every inch of that campus. He told me not to worry, that he has complete faith in me, and that God loves me more than I'll ever know. He then said something that I know is going to stick with me for a long time. He said, "Catherine, you've suffered for a long time with some really rough stuff. But you know what? That means you're like Him." He pointed to the Blessed Sacrament exposed on the altar. I just sat there thinking, "Yeah. He's right. Jesus knows how I'm feeling even when I can't put the feelings into words." Then, Russ prayed over me and it was awesome. I can't even describe it. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I started to cry. I could feel the love of God. Russ reminded me how loved I am. It was incredible.

Cut - Plumb

This song puts some of the feelings of cutting into words better than I can ever explain. The lines in bold are the ones that hit the closest to me.



I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile frame aged
with misery
And when our eyes meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Oh I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

Some Encouraging Words from Fr. Greg

Fr. Greg and I have been texting on and off today. Things have been REALLY rough over the last few days. I ended up cutting pretty bad last night. I was on the verge of telling my parents I needed to go to the hospital. I told him that last night and today he texted me asking how far I was from DC. I told him it's about 8 hours and asked why he wanted to know. He told me that if DC wasn't expecting 20 inches of snow, he was going to take a road trip out here because he was worried about me. That meant a lot. I never thought he'd be willing to do that, but now I know that he really would do anything for me. Here are some of the texts he sent me throughout the day as we were talking that really made me realize I'm loved.

"So you have at least 5 people who love you deeply and want you to quit cutting, and that's not enough to quit?"

"By the way, I love you and think the world of you." I asked him why he thought the world of a boring 19-year-old college kid and here's how he responded: "Because you have a great heart and truly want to grow in holiness...Not every 19-year-old reaches out to a priest as much as you do. It's a sign of you reaching out to Christ. Your question a moment ago reminded me of this and how amazing you are."

"Catherine England, some of the holiest people in the church are those who are trying to get out of serious sin...They keep coming to the church, open to Grace. That's you right now at 19...It impresses me more than you know. Trust me, it's impressive and inspiring."

It meant a lot to hear that from him. Fr. Greg is one of the people I respect most in my life. He saved my life with the blessing he did over me during the March for Life last year. I have never met a man more open to God than Fr. Greg. I completely trust him in every way. He has changed my life and shown me that God can work through people. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for all of his encouragement and faith in me. He thinks way more highly of me than I think of myself. Fr. Greg is one of those few people who it would absolutely devastate me if I let him down. God placed Fr. Greg in my life at the time when I needed someone to lead me to Him, and I can't imagine a better person to do that.

I am the broken among the broken...

Here's a prayer I found today which I absolutely love. It's called "Prayers for Broken People"

Lord, deliver me from my despair.
Give me strength that I might continue to fight.
I am tired, I am lonely and I feel I am alone among the mad.
I know I am not alone but my heart breaks.
Help me, save me… I try so hard, yet I know I should try harder and that there is much I could do but do not…
Have mercy on me, help me be a better instrument, a better servant and a better healer for those that come before me.
Save me from pride, from arrogance, and help me remember that I am broken among the broken.
Give me wisdom to discern what I can and cannot do, and what I must walk to and away from.
Lord, save me.
Amen.

Matthew 6:25-34

Tonight at my church, we did another Ignatian Spiritual Exercise. This time it was with Matthew 6:25-34. The passage says

"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the (H)grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?'For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

The last verse is my favorite. One day, Fr. Greg texted me "Matthew 6:34. Go read it." So I did. I instantly fell in love with the verse. It was on a post-it note on my desk for a while last year and this past year it was posted above my desk at school. I always prayed this verse as soon as I started to get worried about something. Since I'm at home right now, I don't have the verse anywhere, and to be completely honest, I'd totally forgotten about it until tonight. It was like a reminder by God that things are going to be okay and that He's got things taken care of.

No Feeling of a Clean Slate

Well, I broke my promise to God not to cut during Advent. There's been a lot of drama going on lately and it just got to be too much. Well, as soon as I broke that promise on Sunday night, I knew I had to get to Confession ASAP. Luckily, when I was at Mass at my church on Sunday morning, they made an announcement about a Penance Service at another church just down the street. I took advantage of that and went. At my doctor's appointment yesterday, Dr. Cooper told me I could drive again, and you have no idea how much easier that's made my life. Yeah, it was only yesterday, but I pretty much feel like she gave me my freedom back yesterday when she said "Yes, Catherine. You can drive again." Back to the penance service though. I went to Fr. Robert and as soon as I walked in, before he even saw me, he was like "I was wondering when I'd end up hearing those crutches." I was like "Yep...you know me all too well, Father." I confessed that I'd cut and he said that all I can do know is stay strong for the rest of Advent. I said that I'd do my best and he said that's all he asked of me. He absolved me from my sins, and 99.9% of the time, I have this feeling like it's all going to be okay and that I've got a clean slate. Well, tonight, that didn't happen. I don't know why. It's weird. I don't really know why I feel like this. I'm pretty discouraged at the moment, like maybe things aren't going to be okay. I don't know. I'm just trying to remember that now that I've confessed it and I've been absolved, in God's eyes, it's as if it never happened. Me forgiving myself, on the other hand, tends to take much longer. It wasn't until the Steubenville Youth Conference at the end of my senior year of high school that I was able to forgive myself for cutting when I was still at St. Ursula. I'm just hoping that it's not going to take that long this time. Last time I talked to Fr. Greg, he challenged me to go to Confession regularly for a year and then see what happens. This was the beginning. I guess we'll see where it goes from here.

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us." -Psalm 103:12

"Come now and let us reason together," says the Lord, "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow." -Isaiah 1:18

"I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; and I will not remember your sins. Put Me in remembrance; let us contend together; state your case, that you may be acquitted." -Isaiah 43:25-26

St. John of the Cross

December 14th is the feast day of St. John of the Cross. St. John of the Cross, a doctor of the Church, is most known for what's been termed "the dark night of the soul." A dark knight of the soul is when someone goes through spiritual dryness. Having been going through a spiritual dark night for a while, I've turned to St. John of the Cross for a lot of help. I think St. John of the Cross, St. Teresa of Avila, and St. Augustine are my favorite saints. Here's St. John of the Cross' biography.


Founder (with St. Teresa) of the Discalced Carmelites, doctor of mystic theology, b. at Hontoveros, Old Castile, 24 June, 1542; d. at Ubeda, Andalusia, 14 Dec., 1591. John de Yepes, youngest child of Gonzalo de Yepes and Catherine Alvarez, poor silk weavers of Toledo, knew from his earliest years the hardships of life. The father, originally of a good family but disinherited on account of his marriage below his rank, died in the prime of his youth; the widow, assisted by her eldest son, was scarcely able to provide the bare necessities. John was sent to the poor school at Medina del Campo, whither the family had gone to live, and proved an attentive and diligent pupil; but when apprenticed to an artisan, he seemed incapable of learning anything. Thereupon the governor of the hospital of Medina took him into his service, and for seven years John divided his time between waiting on the poorest of the poor, and frequenting a school established by the Jesuits. Already at that early age he treated his body with the utmost rigour; twice he was saved from certain death by the intervention of the Blessed Virgin. Anxious about his future life, he was told in prayer that he was to serve God in an order the ancient perfection of which he was to help bring back again. The Carmelites having founded a house at Medina, he there received the habit on 24 February, 1563, and took the name of John of St. Matthias. After profession he obtained leave from his superiors to follow to the letter the original Carmelite rule without the mitigations granted by various popes. He was sent to Salamanca for the higher studies, and was ordained priest in 1567; at his first Mass he received the assurance that he should preserve his baptismal innocence. But, shrinking from the responsibilities of the priesthood, he determined to join the Carthusians.

However, before taking any further step he made the acquaintance of St. Teresa, who had come to Medina to found a convent of nuns, and who persuaded him to remain in the Carmelite Order and to assist her in the establishment of a monastery of friars carrying out the primitive rule. He accompanied her to Valladolid in order to gain practi cal experience of the manner of life led by the reformed nuns. A small house having been offered, St. John resolved to try at once the new form of life, although St. Teresa did not think anyone, however great his spirituality, could bear the discomforts of that hovel. He was joined by two companions, an ex-prior and a lay brother, with whom he inaugurated the reform among friars, 28 Nov., 1568. St. Teresa has left a classical description of the sort of life led by these first Discalced Carmelites, in chaps. xiii and xiv of her "Book of Foundations". John of the Cross, as he now called himself, became the first master of novices, and laid the foundation of the spiritual edifice which soon was to assume majestic proportions. He filled various posts in different places until St. Teresa called him to Avila as director and confessor to the convent of the Incarnation, of which she had been appointed prioress. He remained there, with a few interruptions, for over five years. Meanwhile, the reform spread rapidly, and, partly through the confusion caused by contradictory orders issued by the general and the general chapter on one hand, and the Apostolic nuncio on the other, and partly through human passion which sometimes ran high, its existence became seriously endangered.
St. John was ordered by his provincial to return to the house of his profession (Medina), and, on his refusing to do so, owing to the fact that he held his office not from the order but from the Apostolic delegate, he was taken prisoner in the night of 3 December, 1577, and carried off to Toledo, where he suffered for more than nine months close imprisonment in a narrow, stifling cell, together with such additional punishment as might have been called for in the case of one guilty of the most serious crimes. In the midst of his sufferings he was visited with heavenly consolations, and some of his exquisite poetry dates from that period. He made good his escape in a miraculous manner, August, 1578. During the next years he was chiefly occupied with the foundation and government of monasteries at Baeza, Granada, Cordova, Segovia, and elsewhere, but took no prominent part in the negotiations which led to the establishment of a separate government for the Discalced Carmelites. After the death of St. Teresa (4 Oct., 1582), when the two parties of the Moderates under Jerome Gratian, and the Zelanti under Nicholas Doria struggled for the upper hand, St. John supported the former and shared his fate. For some time he filled the post of vicar provincial of Andalusia, but when Doria changed the government of the order, concentrating all power in the hands of a permanent committee, St. John resisted and, supporting the nuns in their endeavour to secure the papal approbation of their constitutions, drew upon himself the displeasure of the superior, who deprived him of his offices and relegated him to one of the poorest monasteries, where he fell seriously ill. One of his opponents went so far as to go from monastery to monastery gathering materials in order to bring grave charges against him, hoping for his expulsion from the order which he had helped to found.

As his illness increased he was removed to the monastery of Ubeda, where he at first was treated very unkindly, his constant prayer, "to suffer and to be despised", being thus literally fulfilled almost to the end of his life. But at last even his adversaries came to acknowledge his sanctity, and his funeral was the occasion of a great outburst of enthusiasm. The body, still incorrupt, as has been ascertained within the last few years, was removed to Segovia, only a small portion remaining at Ubeda; there was some litigation about its possession. A strange phenomenon, for which no satisfactory explanation has been given, has frequently been observed in connexion with the relics of St. John of the Cross: Francis de Yepes, the brother of the saint, and after him many other persons have noticed the appearance in his relics of images of Christ on the Cross, the Blessed Virgin, St. Elias, St. Francis Xavier, or other saints, according to the devotion of the beholder. The beatification took place on 25 Jan., 1675, the translation of his body on 21 May of the same year, and the canonization on 27 Dec., 1726.

He left the following works, which for the first time appeared at Barcelona in 1619.

"The Ascent of Mount Carmel", an explanation of some verses beginning: "In a dark night with anxious love inflamed". This work was to have comprised four books, but breaks off in the middle of the third.
"The Dark Night of the Soul", another explanation of the same verses, breaking off in the second book. Both these works were written soon after his escape from prison, and, though incomplete, supplement each other, forming a full treatise on mystic theology.
An explanation of the "Spiritual Canticle", (a paraphrase of the Canticle of Canticles) beginning "Where hast Thou hidden Thyself?" composed part during his imprisonment, and completed and commented upon some years later at the request of Venerable Anne of Jesus.
An explanation of a poem beginning: "O Living Flame of Love", written about 1584 at the bidding of Doña Ana de Penalosa.
Some instructions and precautions on matters spiritual.
Some twenty letters, chiefly to his penitents. Unfortunately the bulk of his correspondence, including numerous letters to and from St. Teresa, was destroyed, partly by himself, partly during the persecutions to which he fell a victim.
"Poems", of which twenty-six have been hitherto published, viz., twenty in the older editions, and recently six more, discovered partly at the National Library at Madrid, and partly at the convent of Carmelite nuns at Pamplona.
"A Collection of Spiritual Maxims" (in some editions to the number of one hundred, and in others three hundred and sixty-five) can scarcely count as an independent work, as they are culled from his writings.
It has been recorded that during his studies St. John particularly relished psychology; this is amply borne out by his writings. He was not what one would term a scholar, but he was intimately acquainted with the "Summa" of St. Thomas Aquinas, as almost every page of his works proves. Holy Scripture he seems to have known by heart, yet he evidently obtained his knowledge more by meditation than in the lecture room. But there is no vestige of influence on him of the mystical teaching of the Fathers, the Areopagite, Augustine, Gregory, Bernard, Bonaventure, etc., Hugh of St. Victor, or the German Dominican school. The few quotations from patristic works are easily traced to the Breviary or the "Summa". In the absence of any conscious or unconscious influence of earlier mystical schools, his own system, like that of St. Teresa, whose influence is obvious throughout, might be termed empirical mysticism. They both start from their own experience, St. Teresa avowedly so, while St. John, who hardly ever speaks of himself, "invents nothing" (to quote Cardinal Wiseman), "borrows nothing from others, but gives us clearly the results of his own experience in himself and others. He presents you with a portrait, not with a fancy picture. He represents the ideal of one who has passed, as he had done, through the career of the spiritual life, through its struggles and its victories".
His axiom is that the soul must empty itself of self in order to be filled with God, that it must be purified of the last traces of earthly dross before it is fit to become united with God. In the application of this simple maxim he shows the most uncompromising logic. Supposing the soul with which he deals to be habitually in the state of grace and pushing forward to better things, he overtakes it on the very road leading it, in its opinion to God, and lays open before its eyes a number of sores of which it was altogether ignorant, viz. what he terms the spiritual capital sins. Not until these are removed (a most formidable task) is it fit to be admitted to what he calls the "Dark Night", which consists in the passive purgation, where God by heavy trials, particularly interior ones, perfects and completes what the soul had begun of its own accord. It is now passive, but not inert, for by submitting to the Divine operation it co-operates in the measure of its power. Here lies one of the essential differences between St. John's mysticism and a false quietism. The perfect purgation of the soul in the present life leaves it free to act with wonderful energy: in fact it might almost be said to obtain a share in God's omnipotence, as is shown in the marvelous deeds of so many saints. As the soul emerges from the Dark Night it enters into the full noonlight described in the "Spiritual Canticle" and the "Living Flame of Love". St. John leads it to the highest heights, in fact to the point where it becomes a "partaker of the Divine Nature". It is here that the necessity of the previous cleansing is clearly perceived the pain of the mortification of all the senses and the powers and faculties of the soul being amply repaid by the glory which is now being revealed in it.

St. John has often been represented as a grim character; nothing could be more untrue. He was indeed austere in the extreme with himself, and, to some extent, also with others, but both from his writings and from the depositions of those who knew him, we see in him a man overflowing with charity and kindness, a poetical mind deeply influenced by all that is beautiful and attractive.

Fr. Donald Calloway, MIC

Fr. Don Calloway is a priest from Steubenville who has an amazing story. When he was younger, he used to be really into drugs. He has an awful past. He spoke at a church in northern Kentucky last night, so my church's youth group went. I can't tell you how incredible it was to hear his story. It shows me that there's hope for me. A lot of his help came from the Blessed Virgin Mary, and as he spoke, something deep inside told me that the Blessed Mother was the solution to all my problems. I've never been more hopeful about anything in my life. Whenever I want to cut, I pick up the Rosary instead of the blade. I cannot even explain how much easier that's making things. I've got a new mentality about everything and it's awesome.

As corny as it sounds, I've made a promise to God. I've decided that as a "gift" to Jesus for Christmas, I'm not going to cut the rest of Advent. It's just kind of my way of showing God that I'm determined to change, and with the Blessed Mother's help, it's going to happen.

Oh, ONE MONTH UNTIL STEUBENVILLE :) :)

Psalm 51

So I had a long chat with Fr. Greg tonight about how I get so sick of sinning in the EXACT SAME WAY everytime. It's frustrating beyond belief. I can't even explain it. He told me to read Psalm 51 tonight. I cannot tell you how good at Fr. Greg is at finding Scripture passages that are perfect for what I've got going on. Psalm 51 hit the nail on the head.

1Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.
5Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
6Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being,
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.
7Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8Make me to hear joy and gladness,
Let the bones which You have broken rejoice.
9Hide Your face from my sins
And blot out all my iniquities.
10Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
12Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.
13Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners will be converted to You.
14Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, the God of my salvation;
Then my tongue will joyfully sing of Your righteousness.
15O Lord, open my lips,
That my mouth may declare Your praise.
16For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it;
You are not pleased with burnt offering.
17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
18By Your favor do good to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
19Then You will delight in righteous sacrifices,
In burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then young bulls will be offered on Your altar.

Ignatian Meditation

At my church last night, some high school and college students got together to do an Ignatian meditation based on Jeremiah 18: 1-6, which says "The word which came to Jeremiah from the LORD saying,'Arise and go down to the potter's house, and there I will announce My words to you.' Then I went down to the potter's house, and there he was, making something on the wheel. But the vessel that he was making of clay was spoiled in the hand of the potter; so he remade it into another vessel, as it pleased the potter to make. Then the word of the LORD came to me saying, 'Can I not, O house of Israel, deal with you as this potter does?' declares the LORD. 'Behold, like the clay in the potter's hand, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel.'"

I can't tell you how bad I needed to hear that. Lately, I've really been questioning my ability to start over after cutting. Sometimes I just want to give up and accept that this is my way of dealing with things and it always will be. But I know I can't do that. It's the wrong way of dealing with the crap that life throws at me. When someone confesses their sins in Reconciliation, it is said that it's like the sin never happened. God completely forgets it. The fourth verse showed me how God's forgiveness is like Him reshaping me after Confession and that I can start over after I fall.

This entire Scripture passage showed me how something bad can be turned into something good. The bad "object" is turned into something good and it is as though the bad never existed.

It was great to hear that stuff and have what people like Fr. Greg, my friend Chris who's a seminarian, and Fr. Robert have been telling me affirmed by Scripture. It makes it more true. It's like I CAN start over and God's got it covered.I tend not to trust God sometimes and think I've got it covered when I don't.

There's a verse from Brandon Heath's song called "Wait and See" that describes this perfectly. "There is hope for me yet because God won’t forget all the plans he’s made for me. I have to wait and see. He’s not finished with me yet."

God's still shaping me into the woman He wants me to be. I can't wait to see what He's got in store for me in the future.