The retreat was absolutely amazing, let me tell you. God showed up and did some crazy stuff in my heart. It was AWESOME!! It really was one of those "you had to be there" moments. Here's the biggest thing I got out of the retreat...I think God's calling me away from Xavier. I feel like He's calling me to Franciscan University of Stuebenville. I first felt like God was telling me to change back in April when I went on a retreat with the Catholic group I'm in here on campus. I thought a lot about it over the summer and decided that I'd give XU one more year. Well, at the retreat this weekend, I pretty much got confirmation from God that I shouldn't be here. I cried a lot because I'm going to be leaving some amazing people. I just feel like I'm not at the best school for a theology degree. Xavier's theology department has one helluva reputation and it's not a good one. I am scarred for life after having a PRIEST tell me that the Resurrection may not have physically happened. If he was right, then the whole foundation of Christianity is built on a bunch of bullshit, and I know it's not. I've experienced God in ways that if Jesus wasn't God, well, then these things wouldn't have happened. The Pope approves of Franciscan and he doesn't approve of Xavier's. My faith is the most important thing to me and that's why I'm working so hard to try to come out of this spiritual dark night I've been going through. There is absolutely zero Catholic identity here at Xavier and I want to be at a place that has one, and a strong one. No where else can compare to Franciscan.
I'm going home over fall break and I plan on bringing it up with my parents then. The biggest indicator that something was wrong with the first high school I went to was because I was cutting and I think this is the exact same thing. I was trying to convince myself I loved it here when I don't.
God changed me this past weekend. Credo: I Believe!!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Credo: I Believe
Well, here's the good news. I haven't cut in 8 days and I've only had 1 impulse. That makes me really happy because a lot of times, the impulses get so bad that I can't function unless I cut. The one impulse wasn't that bad and I got through it by distracting myself. Life is good right now!
I'm going on a retreat this weekend called "Credo" and I'm SOOOOOO excited :) I went on the same retreat 4 years ago and that's what changed my life. I was raised Catholic and have gone to Catholic school since 1st grade, but my sophomore year of high school was the first time I ever felt that God was truly real and loved me. I'm praying God changes my heart this year like He did 4 years ago when I went on it for the first time. This is part of my testimony from a retreat I led over the summer to kind of give you a small idea of what went on:
During Adoration on Saturday night, I truly felt God’s presence. After Adoration began, I took the opportunity to go to Reconciliation. I told the priest about my cutting and how even though I was at a new school, I still just wanted to give up on life. Then he said something I will never forget: “God loves you so much and He doesn’t want you to quit. The world needs you and please, don’t give up.” I had already been crying because I was so ashamed of what I had done to myself, but when the priest said that to me, I began to cry even more because I knew he was right. Now as I look back on that night, I realize that God was physically sitting across from me and speaking to me through a man. It was absolutely incredible. After Confession, I went back to Adoration and just prayed. I asked God why He wanted a stupid teenager like me. I’d never done anything for Him and felt so unworthy. After a while, the retreat directors let us know that Benediction was going to take place. I will never forget what happened after that. As Fr. Luke, a Franciscan priest from the Bronx, walked around with the Blessed Sacrament, we were allowed to touch the garment touching the Eucharist. As Fr. Luke passed by and I touched the garment, I felt this warm feeling, like a hug and my tears just stopped. There is a song called “When God Ran” and there is a line that describes exactly the way I felt: “He lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes / with forgiveness in His voice He said, ‘Son, do you know I still love you?’” After that night, I was never the same.
I'm going on a retreat this weekend called "Credo" and I'm SOOOOOO excited :) I went on the same retreat 4 years ago and that's what changed my life. I was raised Catholic and have gone to Catholic school since 1st grade, but my sophomore year of high school was the first time I ever felt that God was truly real and loved me. I'm praying God changes my heart this year like He did 4 years ago when I went on it for the first time. This is part of my testimony from a retreat I led over the summer to kind of give you a small idea of what went on:
During Adoration on Saturday night, I truly felt God’s presence. After Adoration began, I took the opportunity to go to Reconciliation. I told the priest about my cutting and how even though I was at a new school, I still just wanted to give up on life. Then he said something I will never forget: “God loves you so much and He doesn’t want you to quit. The world needs you and please, don’t give up.” I had already been crying because I was so ashamed of what I had done to myself, but when the priest said that to me, I began to cry even more because I knew he was right. Now as I look back on that night, I realize that God was physically sitting across from me and speaking to me through a man. It was absolutely incredible. After Confession, I went back to Adoration and just prayed. I asked God why He wanted a stupid teenager like me. I’d never done anything for Him and felt so unworthy. After a while, the retreat directors let us know that Benediction was going to take place. I will never forget what happened after that. As Fr. Luke, a Franciscan priest from the Bronx, walked around with the Blessed Sacrament, we were allowed to touch the garment touching the Eucharist. As Fr. Luke passed by and I touched the garment, I felt this warm feeling, like a hug and my tears just stopped. There is a song called “When God Ran” and there is a line that describes exactly the way I felt: “He lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes / with forgiveness in His voice He said, ‘Son, do you know I still love you?’” After that night, I was never the same.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Why?
So as I sit here waiting for my laundry, I started thinking about a lot of stuff. I wonder why I do this to myself. The whole concept of self-injury is really messed up. It's a sick way of coping with things. I wonder a lot why self-injury actually works as my way of dealing with the shit that life throws at me. I have yet to figure out why. We can get into the scientific crap and talk about endorphins, and yeah, I'm sure that's part of it, but there's still something about it...I can't describe what it is, but I get a rush when I do it. It makes the emotional pain go away. It just makes things better.
Now we're gonna get into the graphic stuff, so if you don't wanna hear the nasty side, I'd quit reading now. When I cut, I usually use a razor blade, but since coming to school, I've resorted to breaking 2 shot glasses and then cutting with those shards. It showed me how bad it really was when I resorted to breaking the shot glasses. I bought a set of 6 shot glasses when I went to Texas over the summer. It showed me how desperate I was when that was all I had in my dorm room to cut with. To make it less obvious that I've been cutting, I cut on my left upper arm, where it would be covered by my shirt sleeve. I have scars on my left forearm, but I haven't cut there since the summer. What sucks is that I don't get the same relief from cutting my upper arm than I do cutting my forearm. I don't know why. A lot of times when I cut, I cut until it starts to hurt. Usually when I cut, I do it because I'm numb from something shitty that has happened. I guess I get more sensation on my forearm, but I don't really know. I quit hiding my scars with long sleeve shirts. I've gotten really good at making sure I don't show my forearm. It's hard sometimes, but I always manage to do it. I've only ever had one person ask me about my scars and that was at a doctors office...
Sorry this was so all over the place. I just wanted to get the gruesome details down as I thought about them. Time to get on homework!
Now we're gonna get into the graphic stuff, so if you don't wanna hear the nasty side, I'd quit reading now. When I cut, I usually use a razor blade, but since coming to school, I've resorted to breaking 2 shot glasses and then cutting with those shards. It showed me how bad it really was when I resorted to breaking the shot glasses. I bought a set of 6 shot glasses when I went to Texas over the summer. It showed me how desperate I was when that was all I had in my dorm room to cut with. To make it less obvious that I've been cutting, I cut on my left upper arm, where it would be covered by my shirt sleeve. I have scars on my left forearm, but I haven't cut there since the summer. What sucks is that I don't get the same relief from cutting my upper arm than I do cutting my forearm. I don't know why. A lot of times when I cut, I cut until it starts to hurt. Usually when I cut, I do it because I'm numb from something shitty that has happened. I guess I get more sensation on my forearm, but I don't really know. I quit hiding my scars with long sleeve shirts. I've gotten really good at making sure I don't show my forearm. It's hard sometimes, but I always manage to do it. I've only ever had one person ask me about my scars and that was at a doctors office...
Sorry this was so all over the place. I just wanted to get the gruesome details down as I thought about them. Time to get on homework!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Hey Everyone
So I don't really know why I started this blog...Maybe as a journal for when the late nights get rough and I just need to get things out in the open.
Well, I'll tell you a little about myself. I'm Catherine. I'm a theology major at Xavier University in Cincinnati, Ohio. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a self-injurer. I first started self-injuring when I was a sophomore in high school. I cut twice, switched high schools and didn't cut again. Then, in November 2008, my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer. I was having issues with friends, being away from home, school work-related stress, and everything just came crashing down at once. I went back to cutting. I'm trying really, really, really hard to stop. I've been cutting for almost a year now and it's been getting worse and worse. I know that if I don't stop soon, I won't live to graduate college.
This is my life as a recovering self-injurer.
Well, I'll tell you a little about myself. I'm Catherine. I'm a theology major at Xavier University in Cincinnati, Ohio. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a self-injurer. I first started self-injuring when I was a sophomore in high school. I cut twice, switched high schools and didn't cut again. Then, in November 2008, my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer. I was having issues with friends, being away from home, school work-related stress, and everything just came crashing down at once. I went back to cutting. I'm trying really, really, really hard to stop. I've been cutting for almost a year now and it's been getting worse and worse. I know that if I don't stop soon, I won't live to graduate college.
This is my life as a recovering self-injurer.
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