Relapses and Getting Back Up

Since giving up my blades in February, I've only relapsed a few times. The relapses usually last a couple days and then somehow, I guess only by the grace of God, I pick myself back up and keep going. I'm doing my best. It's still tough, but Fr. Adam's been by my side helping me get back up. I'm trying to avoid a major relapse. I do not want to be cutting again everyday, multiple times a day. I know it's bad that I'm still struggling with cutting and very few people know (only one), but I think I'm getting stronger. I think.

Please keep praying for me.

A Big Step and Update

Wow. I haven't blogged in 4 months. Sorry about that.

I never blogged about meeting Fr. Stephen. It's a long story, but I met him in Confession in Medj and he's been my rock since I met him in August. He continues to be an amazing blessing.

I came home from Romania a month early because things were so bad. All at the recommendation of Fr. Stephen while I was visiting him in Rome in October.

The cutting has been out of control since like July. It got really bad since Christmas. But, I've decided I have to do something. I had a bad experience with counseling since I've been home, so I have to do this on my own with a few good priests and a couple friends fighting alongside me.

Today, I took a huge step. I got rid of all of my blades. I took them to Fr. Adam, my spiritual director, about an hour ago. I really have got to get my life together. And I'm hoping this was the correct first step.

Please keep me in prayer as these next few days will be very tough.

People Need Other People

This was just posted on TWLOHA's blog. It's a post written by Jamie Tworkowski and it is the reminder that I can't keep pushing people away. Maybe one day I will actually believe what people tell me about myself. Maybe not. I don't know. All I know is that I can't keep doing this alone.

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TWLOHA exists to move people—to move people to believe that it's OK to be honest, and to move people to believe that it's OK to ask for help.

TWLOHA is an invitation to believe better things.
You matter very much.
Your life is priceless.
Your story is important.
No one else can play your part.

We have connected with so many amazing resources over the years, people and places in the business of helping folks become unstuck, become unhaunted. They do the patient work of recovery, based on years and years of wisdom and experience. They do this work with truth and with compassion.

We are in the unique position of encouraging people to get help, and we get to point them to places where that help can happen. We also love the fact that we're able to invest in the important work of treatment and counseling.

At the heart of all of this lies a common thread, one that has become more and more apparent as the years go by, one that is part of the foundation of TWLOHA. These words sum up so much of what we're trying to say. When it comes to depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide, we believe this message is the game-changer. It's the first step. It's the candle lit in the darkness.

The message is this: People need other people.

With this comes a second truth: You are not alone. You are not alone in your problems, not alone in your pain, not alone in your questions, in your heartache and heartbreak. You are not alone.

Other people feel how you feel. Other people are where you are and even more have been where you are. They have known the darkness, too. They have felt alone.

And it's not enough to simply know you're not alone. The journey forward will require other people. It will require friends and family. It may require professional help, and that's entirely OK. If you broke your arm, you wouldn't try to hide it or fake it. Getting help for depression or addiction should be no different. If you need help, it's OK to ask for it.

The journey forward will also require conversations, the ones where honest questions are met with honest answers, and somehow understanding happens. Somehow healing happens.

The journey forward will be a mix of crying, laughing, quiet, hoping—and also dreaming. You will get to dream again.

You are not alone, and you will not have to go alone. You will go with others. They will carry you, and you will carry them, and that's how this dance is done. That's how's this life is meant to be lived, leaning on that magic of love, and trust, and friendship.

You are a person in need, and so are all the ones around you. It's OK to say it. It's OK to ask. It's OK to be honest about it. You are a person, which means you feel things, and you lose things, and it happens to all of us. You are not a robot, not a machine, not simply a student, or an employee, or an athlete, or a performer. You are not only what you're good at, and you're not only what you're bad at. You are a person, and people need other people. 

You are a person, and you deserve whatever help you need.

You are a person, and you deserve to be known and loved by others. 

You are a person—and people need other people.

"Demons" by Imagine Dragons

This song is amazing. Rings so true with me.

"Don't get too close, it's dark inside. It's where my demons hide."

Middle of the Night Thoughts

It's after 1am and I can't sleep because I've got 8 billion things on my mind, so I decided I'd blog about it.

I'm so incredibly depressed. Depression just plain sucks. So much. The hopelessness, despair, darkness, the void in my soul. Even though nothing is really going wrong at the moment, I'm still feeling like complete shit. That's depression for you. And I feel so alone here, which is really tough too. And the cutting...that stupid thing that has controlled me for so long. I've done it a lot since my relapse in May. Haven't been able to shake it. Longest I've gone is about 10 days.

I feel like nothing has really changed since I was 18. I was telling Fr. Greg that last time I talked to him. I feel like sure, I'm 5 years older, but I'm still having the same conversations with him now as I had when I first met him. And that is incredibly frustrating.

I tried Skype counseling with a guy back in the States and that was a bust...That makes it 7 counselors in 5 years - only having progress with one. I told my psychiatrist and he said he's got an idea of a guy he thinks I'd like. Decided that #8 is the last shot. If this last guy doesn't work, I'm taking a break from actively looking for help.

Started a new medication a couple weeks ago. It's actually made things worse. That's the thing about anti-depressants: they either work, don't work, or make things worse. So, I have no idea what I'm gonna do about that at the moment.

I feel like right now all I wanna do is stop. I just want everything to stop for like 5 minutes so I can get my thoughts together. But, life keeps coming at me full speed and I'm dealing with it the best that I know how to. It may not be in the healthiest of ways, but I am surviving, so I guess that's a good thing.

It's getting harder and harder to get up in the morning and take on the day. That's one way I know things are getting worse.

This isn't even half of what's going on, but I can't seem to get my brain together enough to even get it all written down at the moment. I'm a wreck and I feel like my life is a wreck. Please pray for me extra hard. Things are really tough and each day gets tougher.

Confessions of a Depressed Comic

This is a TED talk by Kevin Breel, 19-year-old a stand up comedian who suffers from depression. This is just amazing. This brought me so many tears. Please watch it, whether you suffer from depression or not. Please, I'm begging you. Spend 10 minutes watching this.

"Now will you trust me?"

This was written by my friend Emily recently. It really resonates with me.

I sit quietly and wait for the Lord to speak to me. I try to hand over my struggle and my pain to Him with all my little and weak heart. I say to Him Lord make me new, make me clean. He answers with a pointed but unexpected question that almost seems irrelevant to me.
"Do you trust me?" 
I pause and think. I wish. I want to. But the answer is no.
The wind picks up slightly blowing in the trees around me. I've always felt the Holy Spirit in the wind. Especially in the dark moments before a storm. Like now, the sky is overcast.
Suddenly the leaves on the tree in front of me stop blowing. But I feel the wind continue behind me, touching the back of my neck. I glance over my shoulder and see the leaves of the dark green willow sway ever so slightly.
"See," He says, "I am still there."
A whispered word comes into my head.
'Always'
He has proven to me with this example in the wind that He is never gone, and never has been gone. Even when I can't see Him, can't feel Him, in my darkest moment, He was never gone.
He delivers me from death every day.
He says to me "See...now will you trust me?"
The wind continues.

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Going to Medjugorje tomorrow. Please pray for me and our group. I really need this trip. I've been struggling terribly lately. I need to get things right with God.